Life can be very funny at times: at one point you will be drenched in depression and sorrow, and at another... you will be lifted back up to experience something that would bring you great joy. Life is full of surprises. Life is full of expectations. But above all, life is not to be lived alone - and I’m not just talking about friends, family or just merely the people who forms our circle or society... but God, who is always there, who provides everything which amusingly, includes all the surprises, trials and provisions which has prepared unfailingly for us in our daily courses of life.
Indeed, I praise Him for His presence, because that alone, has summed up to everything - but from one point to another, I personally have to admit that I can’t help but to be left wondering this simple repetitive but profound question: what now?
I really have to say that God has been very amusing lately - especially when I discovered that He has put someone special within the midst of my inner circle, whom I am rather close with right now, and whom though is now a distant away, is always and constantly with me in my daily life in a very special way; of course not as special as the relationship I have with my beloved Father, but it is still nevertheless special... and I am praising God everyday for her presence. =)
Until this very moment, I could still find it hard to believe that my own life have become just like Silas Marner’s; just like how the way Eppie came into Silas’ doorstep in that novel - where in that single but unexpected twist of event, great joy, happiness, and companionship follow for the many years to come in his life... But knowing God, and also at the same time because that I do not know much about God... I stopped, I wondered, and I pondered... and I paused, for I know too well that this God always gives me something His own reasons, and until I know why, I just can’t help but to think… What now?
I really do not know what lies ahead of me and her and I indeed am not in the position to even speculate, for I know better that the Lord’s ways are higher, and that He surely has other things in mind that would change the course of this friendship.
I know that some of you who are reading this might find this as something that is very hard to understand, but you have to see that from my perspective, this God whom I have accepted as the Lord of my life whom I trust and rely on is my priority, and the only thing I want to accomplish is to do what He wants me to do rather than what I want to do in this matter; for the only way of life that I want to live out is to live in obedience to Him as in what He wants out of my life rather than what I want for myself.
For those who has been reading this blog right from the beginning, I am sure that you know better that I am one who believes that God has an awesome purpose for myself in my life which I am meant to fulfil (and same to everyone else), and it is one which I truly believe is far much better than any other that I can imagine for my own. He has set me off to a wonderful adventure with Him that I have know too well that I can rely on no one but Himself for this journey, for He has declared that He alone is more than sufficient, and He indeed is more than sufficient - and anyone else who claims that he has even half of what He has is nothing but a liar.
I have seen so many things and have gone through many experiences in my adventure so far - though certainly what I have gained are mostly for sure nothing compared to the many others who are more intimate with the Lord. But as little are what I have so far, I believe that they are sufficient for me to know too well not to risk preventing God from doing His will on this friendship; because I know what God has in mind is not just the best for me, but also for her as well on the other end - and to interfere is not only an act of disobedience, but will also only result to jeopardising His perfect plan meant for the good of both of us (for I truly treasure this friendship, and I really want the best for it).
Knowing how thick the mist is before me, sometimes I just have to be honest that I do not know what to do. It is not that God does not care - He does, but sometimes, it is me who is at fault, for failing to hear, for being too distracted, and for sometimes, thinking that He has not when He has already prepared everything before me. Again, His ways are higher than mine, and most of the time higher than my own understanding; and since He is my Lord, His ways I shall obey, and only His ways I shall desire, because I already know too well that He knows what is best, and that He is faithful, He is unfailing, and He always loves.
Bottom line is: I just want to know what God really wants me to do for both of us, for I really want to make the best of the time and opportunities we have, knowing that whatever God has in mind is always the best, and also because that she is that special and dear to me, that I really want her to get the best out of whatever He has in mind for her as well.
But sometimes, I know too well that I should not linger too much in thinking upon this question - and I should just learn to surrender and commit it all into the Lord. Less of me, but more of You, my Lord. I know. =)
Lord, my Father in Heaven,
Again, over and over I praise You for bringing her into my life, and along with her, laughter, happiness, joy, and companionship. Indeed, I acknowledge and I praise You as my Provider, as Jehovah Jireh, and as El - Shaddai, as God Almighty, for her and for the time and joy we both shared together.
I humbly admit before You that there are moments of indecision and fear, for I do not know Your will regarding to us, but I know now that perhaps, what I needed to do is just to commit everything into Your hands - and the rest will be revealed afterwards. Forgive me Lord, for my faith which sometimes wavers, and for my understanding which sometimes crumbles (especially when I wanted something to be done with perfection and without fault), but I praise You, and I lift Your name, for Your grace and love is above all my imperfections; and knowing that with You by my side, I have nothing to worry, and nothing to fear, for everything will be done the way You will it to be.
Beloved Father, I pray that You will continue to be with us for the days to come. Continue to guide us, and continue to protect and bless us I pray - for Your love is unconditional, for Your grace knows no limit as it has already been given to all whom You loved so dear; and also because that I know that to have You with us is also for the best of her which is what I too really wanted, knowing that You love and care for her as much as I do (though I know too well that mine can never match Yours, but even so… I know that it still matters).
Again, I really do not have the slightest idea on what is going to happen next… but Father, I will commit it all to You, and I will trust You, and I will walk by faith - because that is all I needed. As for her, I will just see what You bring next… for that is not for me to question, but certainly I will treasure her and I will care for her as much as I am able and as much as You allow it - for she is that precious to me, and that she deserves it; and I know that You feels the same way as well and that this is also what You wanted me to do. =)
And like every time, Father… Bless her, guide her, and protect her… and continue to love her as You always do just like everyday in every single moment she is alive on this earth.
Again, and again, I thank You for her presence in my life, and I thank You for Your love, grace, mercy, and everything else that You have made in sufficiency and in abundance. Thank You for everything.
In Jesus’ name I pray and give my praise. Amen.
(Looks like the mist is clearing off even before I even realized it…)
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Seymour Nightweaver (16th November 2009)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Another Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 2)
Night…
The wind is calling me again today… and this time, to lure me out to bathe myself under the shining full moon.
I wonder what you have in mind tonight.
Of course, Eraser heard the calls as well… but as usual, she keeps herself silent - a friend with very few words, knowing me so well that I would end up figuring out or doing what she wants to tell me to.
She only has to follow me silently from behind as soon as I made up my mind to leave my room and step into the illuminated darkness outside the building.
Night…
My name was called again, but it was a different voice.
Different… but very familiar - and it is already too late for me to turn away by the time I realise who it was.
From the shadows, a figure appeared before my eyes. I knew well that it is no more than an illusion, but it seems so real, from her hair to her feet, and also from the way she breathes and smiles knowing that I am before her.
But the lips which previously revealed a smile a few second ago slowly arch downwards as she stare deeply into my eyes with piercing sorrow.
Whatever that has happened in the past and has been forgotten can never be brought back to life again - at least when it is concerning the love which both of us once had together. She should know better than me that it has died ages past, and there is no meaning to hold onto this lifeless carcass of a love any longer with the hope that it would come into life again… But still, she would not choose to listen.
Knowing what is going on, I raised my left arm and pointed the edge of my black katar towards the direction of her face. My eyes pierce the darkness as I lock mine into hers, and my voice was low and cold as I make my demand:
What do you want from me?
But there was no reply from the forlorn image of the person who was once my lover. The relationship ended pathetically, with both of us hurt from the separation - but the only regret I had is only that I should have severed our ties earlier and not to be persuaded by her. There is no love in between us apart from what that is only one - sided, and it is already too late for her to seek for the love which has long withered within me. She has rejected me a little too long, and when she has decided to change her mind and came back for me… She found it hard to realize that she was already too late.
Back in the younger days when I yearn and hunger greatly for passionate love, I was denied of one by herself to a point where I almost lost everything including my own soul in the turmoils and the turbulence of my heart… but now, even though I am still yearning and waiting and ever searching for the one I would eventually decide that I would share the rest of my life with her, I have know too well to reject her. I could accept almost any other person who comes before me, but not her, not the person who she is right now.
In the past, I would have found myself easily misguided by my own desire to be loved and desired by another, and I would have fallen into her trap with no difficulty at all… but now, I knew better that there is more than just the mere desire of having someone whom I can call my lover. The character and personality that once attracted me no longer have any more charm, and I know too well now that she would only be a binding chain to my wings and a burden rather than a companion whom I can always have by my side. She does not see the world the way I see it, and I know too that there are many things about me which she despises, especially on things which make me who I really am.
From a poor naïve soul who would submit to anything just to be desired, I have outgrown my old cocoon into the person who I am today. Instead of being just confining myself to the earth, I have long learned how to run with the wind and learned how to spread my wings wide as I explore the endless skies… I have tasted freedom during the period of her abandonment, and I now know too well to refuse going back being confined or to be bound by anyone any longer - for I deserve to have my own individuality. From the moment I realize I am free, I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. I decide my own preferences; and if there is anyone whom I will submit and obey, there is only one dear friend whom I will gladly do so. I am not going to turn back.
How hard is it for her to understand that the person whom she once knew is already long dead?
Indeed, there are many things as well which I have done which hurt her in return; not to mention those mistakes which I have indeed regretted doing which I know would have scarred her… But still, the damage has been done - and with the relationship broken, I have to bear the consequences for my actions… but I can never give her what she wanted from me.
As much as I do not like doing this for I am forced to reject her not because of what she has done, but for who she is… I also on the other hand am feeling revolted by her actions - ceaselessly trying to win by back through pleading, cajoling, manipulating and the likes. I fell for her snare once, and she got me back for a short moment, but I knew too well that it is already impossible…
One - sided love yesterday; and still one - sided love today. The only difference is just that we have switch sides. Again, I can’t help but feeling remorseful, regretful and somewhat sorry that she has to go through this together with me, but sadly… my heart is no longer hers to keep.
I know well that this is cruel and that, I do not have any other choice; but no matter how hurtful this will be to her, Eraser will now stand between her and me if she ever dares to come close - especially if she tries to force or pressure me into accepting her again which she has done several times past.
Aware that none of us has anything to say to each other any longer, the illusion fades away and dissipates into nothing. The song which previously filled the air with a soft melancholic tune has also vanished with the singers as I felt Eraser’s hand resting upon my shoulder, meant to provide emotional support.
Both of us were silent for a moment, knowing how useless words will be in situations like this - but the wind still keep blowing, constantly whispering…
I heard you, my friend. You have been left waiting for too long - but I am sure that your wait has been one which you have prepared well for, assuming that you have already foreseen this to happen. Now, for the time we both have been waiting for…
I look back at Eraser’s beautiful but mysterious dark eyes which are almost camouflaged by the darkness if not for the vague illumination of the full moon, only to realize that she is staring back at me. Her black wings, slightly reflecting the gleam of the silver rays, seemed enthusiastic to take off at any moment. She did not really smile, but she will do soon enough, knowing too well that deep inside, she has been waiting all this while for this very moment.
Shall we dance, Eraser?
(A rhetorical question asked out of courtesy which both of us will not mind asking and being asked for)Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Chapter 9: Love and Pain / A New Chapter
To love is to prepare oneself to feel both hurt and sorrow. Especially for a pathetic being like me, this rings true every time I choose to offer myself to share the burdens of another.
I will never deny that people will occasionally present you with a pile of shit, but I have to admit that I still cannot stand those moments when I cared for another person so much only to be presented with a pile of shit from them.
This is totally shit, the biggest shit of all times.
Shit with all the manners and courtesy for the moment! Tell me, how long will you want me to wait until you can finally understand that I am sincerely caring for you as your friend and brother!? Can’t you see that I am concerned and saddened by your troubled look? Can’t you see that I am willing to hear you out? Do not treat me like an outsider. I know that I myself do not worth much nor I am able to give much. I know. I’m not stupid… But I STILL CARE!
Is my love and care a degree lower than anybody else’s? Is my presence and existence that insignificant that I am really not that needed? All this is not true of course, I know well that both you and me does not and will not condone to these fallacies, but this is what you are making me feeling right now - and I cannot tolerate such degrading of myself.
I speak, but I am not heard. I do, but I am not noticed. I come, but my presence is not felt. I am the wind that blows in the night. I come, I go; but none will know of it - except the One who knew me, who made me.
Sigh.
**********************************************************************************
Hmm… it has been exactly 46 days since I typed that out.
I could still remember how much I cried when I typed out the first part. How much my heart wrenched just by typing those words. How depressed I was, how pathetic I felt I was at that moment…
But right now, as I found myself ending up looking through again this almost - forgotten text which tells of this part of my life (thank You so much, Father for bringing me back here again)… I find it rather funny that I had gone through those painful moments before. I am aware that I’m still going through moments of temporary loneliness from time to time… but as far as I could remember, that was the last and final time when I am struck with such pain in my relationships.
So much has changed since then, to a point that even I myself is finding it hard to believe that I have undergone so much transformation.
What’s more - the change does not just happen inwardly, but God has also brought in new changes and challenges in my outside world as well; especially now that I am a senior, and that I am now constantly surrounded by so many lovely and potential juniors. =)
At first, not all of them were really involved within my daily circle… only some, especially those who are my direct juniors in ELLS - PKA, but eventually I get to know them more about themselves one by one, and I was not surprised to find a few of them earning their place within my inner circle even though we only know each other for only a short period of time.
Of course, no one told me that whatever I am doing now is easy - with all the getting to know the juniors and their needs and stuff, and thank God, for He pulled me through… knowing also that He was the One who placed me here in this situation in the first place.
And to see how much I have changed as I adapt myself with my new role as a senior and a brother to some (brother as in “elder” brother, not the “younger” one)… It surprises me as well with what God can do in just a short period of time.
…
Good. Now it’s just You and me. No more SMS alerts, no more conversations with my other friends… Again, just You and me. It has been so long since I last expressed my feelings to You here.
…
I have to admit that I am really not the model Christian that anyone would like to follow, and I have to admit too that I have grieved my Lord for not too few many times already in my life…
But yet, I am still alive. I am not struck dead, and if indeed I am supposed to die for what I have done… I assumed that He would have done it a long time ago. Most people would have thought that if God is indeed gracious in forgiving my sins, He would have showed me a sign or a miracle, to really prove that He has done so. I admitted that I have thought of the same thing too for a certain period of time - but when I truly realize what it means to be embraced by God’s loving grace: To know how small and insignificant I really am in reality, and how disposable I really am in the situation I am in right now if He really wants to get rid of me for every time He is grieved and sometimes angered by my own ineptitude… but He still treasures me, and He is still giving me chances upon chances each passing day; continuing to use me for His purpose and glory.
There are so many things which I can think of that He can use against me. I was once addicted of pornography. I am not really a virgin either - I have somehow lost it along the way. There’s even a period of time in my life when thoughts of hatred and of killing off those people whom I do not want to have around my life prevailed. I am one whose life is controlled by anger during my younger days, and if the law would permit, I would have been happily killing off a few idiots alive and rip their carcasses with their innards apart back then for all the bloody hurt they have inflicted on me.
I once believed that I was a boy with a monster residing deep within the caverns of his heart - so much for Naruto (just a small joke to lighten things up); and I still have included those many small but stupid things that I still did even though I knew that He would hate me doing them all, out of my own stupidity.
Yet, He is still here, and He still chose me.
I really do not know what God has installed for me for the days to come, but from the way things are positioned right now, I have been given the responsibility to be a senior, friend and brother to my juniors (a “mentor” to Cain and an indirect one to Yee Kwan), and also to my seniors and batch mates whenever needed. Another new chapter has been opened in my life before I could even realize what has happened, and with it comes great healing and a grand metamorphosis.
No one knows into what I will become after this, or how much I would change in the next unknown period of time…But one thing for sure: I have chosen to trust everything into God’s loving hands and grace. I have seen so much, I have gone through so much… and He too, on the other side has done so much for me that I know well enough that there no one else better than Himself regarding to this case - in fact, He is not just merely better, but is the ONLY ONE person I can go to.
Not to mention that He has also given me a new possible beginning for my heart to yearn for another. ;)
For this new chapter of life:-
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (13th October 2009)
I will never deny that people will occasionally present you with a pile of shit, but I have to admit that I still cannot stand those moments when I cared for another person so much only to be presented with a pile of shit from them.
This is totally shit, the biggest shit of all times.
Shit with all the manners and courtesy for the moment! Tell me, how long will you want me to wait until you can finally understand that I am sincerely caring for you as your friend and brother!? Can’t you see that I am concerned and saddened by your troubled look? Can’t you see that I am willing to hear you out? Do not treat me like an outsider. I know that I myself do not worth much nor I am able to give much. I know. I’m not stupid… But I STILL CARE!
Is my love and care a degree lower than anybody else’s? Is my presence and existence that insignificant that I am really not that needed? All this is not true of course, I know well that both you and me does not and will not condone to these fallacies, but this is what you are making me feeling right now - and I cannot tolerate such degrading of myself.
I speak, but I am not heard. I do, but I am not noticed. I come, but my presence is not felt. I am the wind that blows in the night. I come, I go; but none will know of it - except the One who knew me, who made me.
Sigh.
**********************************************************************************
Hmm… it has been exactly 46 days since I typed that out.
I could still remember how much I cried when I typed out the first part. How much my heart wrenched just by typing those words. How depressed I was, how pathetic I felt I was at that moment…
But right now, as I found myself ending up looking through again this almost - forgotten text which tells of this part of my life (thank You so much, Father for bringing me back here again)… I find it rather funny that I had gone through those painful moments before. I am aware that I’m still going through moments of temporary loneliness from time to time… but as far as I could remember, that was the last and final time when I am struck with such pain in my relationships.
So much has changed since then, to a point that even I myself is finding it hard to believe that I have undergone so much transformation.
What’s more - the change does not just happen inwardly, but God has also brought in new changes and challenges in my outside world as well; especially now that I am a senior, and that I am now constantly surrounded by so many lovely and potential juniors. =)
At first, not all of them were really involved within my daily circle… only some, especially those who are my direct juniors in ELLS - PKA, but eventually I get to know them more about themselves one by one, and I was not surprised to find a few of them earning their place within my inner circle even though we only know each other for only a short period of time.
Of course, no one told me that whatever I am doing now is easy - with all the getting to know the juniors and their needs and stuff, and thank God, for He pulled me through… knowing also that He was the One who placed me here in this situation in the first place.
And to see how much I have changed as I adapt myself with my new role as a senior and a brother to some (brother as in “elder” brother, not the “younger” one)… It surprises me as well with what God can do in just a short period of time.
…
Good. Now it’s just You and me. No more SMS alerts, no more conversations with my other friends… Again, just You and me. It has been so long since I last expressed my feelings to You here.
…
I have to admit that I am really not the model Christian that anyone would like to follow, and I have to admit too that I have grieved my Lord for not too few many times already in my life…
But yet, I am still alive. I am not struck dead, and if indeed I am supposed to die for what I have done… I assumed that He would have done it a long time ago. Most people would have thought that if God is indeed gracious in forgiving my sins, He would have showed me a sign or a miracle, to really prove that He has done so. I admitted that I have thought of the same thing too for a certain period of time - but when I truly realize what it means to be embraced by God’s loving grace: To know how small and insignificant I really am in reality, and how disposable I really am in the situation I am in right now if He really wants to get rid of me for every time He is grieved and sometimes angered by my own ineptitude… but He still treasures me, and He is still giving me chances upon chances each passing day; continuing to use me for His purpose and glory.
There are so many things which I can think of that He can use against me. I was once addicted of pornography. I am not really a virgin either - I have somehow lost it along the way. There’s even a period of time in my life when thoughts of hatred and of killing off those people whom I do not want to have around my life prevailed. I am one whose life is controlled by anger during my younger days, and if the law would permit, I would have been happily killing off a few idiots alive and rip their carcasses with their innards apart back then for all the bloody hurt they have inflicted on me.
I once believed that I was a boy with a monster residing deep within the caverns of his heart - so much for Naruto (just a small joke to lighten things up); and I still have included those many small but stupid things that I still did even though I knew that He would hate me doing them all, out of my own stupidity.
Yet, He is still here, and He still chose me.
I really do not know what God has installed for me for the days to come, but from the way things are positioned right now, I have been given the responsibility to be a senior, friend and brother to my juniors (a “mentor” to Cain and an indirect one to Yee Kwan), and also to my seniors and batch mates whenever needed. Another new chapter has been opened in my life before I could even realize what has happened, and with it comes great healing and a grand metamorphosis.
No one knows into what I will become after this, or how much I would change in the next unknown period of time…But one thing for sure: I have chosen to trust everything into God’s loving hands and grace. I have seen so much, I have gone through so much… and He too, on the other side has done so much for me that I know well enough that there no one else better than Himself regarding to this case - in fact, He is not just merely better, but is the ONLY ONE person I can go to.
Not to mention that He has also given me a new possible beginning for my heart to yearn for another. ;)
For this new chapter of life:-
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (13th October 2009)
Friday, September 25, 2009
A Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 1)
I am Night.
I have never recalled setting my foot along this narrow corridor before in my life, yet when I looked around me: at the old arches and the cobwebs that reside there, at the strange cracks which can be hard to see in poor lighting along the two dark walls facing each other in an eternal stare, and even at the old mysterious lamps which left me wondering for a while how, who and what have kept all these lamps lit at all times…
There was a feeling of mystery and strangeness in the air, and my mind was racing with anxiety and nervousness - afraid of what would be lying in wait for me at the end of this corridor. But somehow I still picked up the courage to move on and making sure that I am not left behind by Eraser. It was not just because that I was aware of the strange feeling of familiarity that came along with all these other emotions within me; but also knowing that I can always trust her in situations like this - and also because that this is the path that I am meant to take and finish.
Eraser knew what is lingering in my mind but I knew well that she has chosen to keep herself quiet; allowing me to discover the answer for our coming here later, which she knows in return that I would be able to.
I would expect the answer to be rather revolutionary, but never surprising - for I have already expected it to appear to me in such form, in a way when the past seems to repeat itself in the present.
Knowing that Eraser will never stop to wait for me whenever I stop to ponder, I have to keep on moving so that I will not be left behind. Her steps were not fast, thus providing my eyes the needed time to explore the gloomy surroundings, but they were not slow enough either for me to stop pondering for a long time. I need to get moving or it would take me forever to reach the end of this seemingly unending pathway.
Eventually we came to a point where I could see light at the end of the corridor. The corridor ends at a small chamber, and across the room is a pair of huge double metal doors which have been waiting to be opened.
The chamber was a spectacular sight; with lamps resembling glowing crystals illuminate the whole area and the four greyish walls. Judging from the decorations and the furniture around me (with a rather large cross visibly hung on one of the walls), it seemed to me that this place was once a small chapel - worn out assumedly of lack of use and maintenance.
“This pair of double doors, when entered, will lead you to the place where you desired to be at the most.”
Indeed?
Her nod was the confirmation that what she has spoken are the truth.
“But… There is still something you need to do before you will be able to open the double doors.”
Indeed as she finished speaking, I heard and felt strange powerful gusts of wind suddenly rushing from behind - from the corridor into the chamber. The whole chamber slightly roared for a moment with a strange but echoing voice, and both of us covered our eyes as the dust which once filled the place was blown all over by the wind. But as fast as it started, everything came into an abrupt stop, and right in front of where both of us stood, formed a spirit - like entity which slowly manifests itself into a man wearing medieval armour plates armed with a huge two - handed claymore.
“Thou shalt not pass tis door.”
She was no longer by my side, only to give me a reason more why I should not falter nor fear him. A pair of deadly black bladed katar now readily fasted on my arms, longing to lock blades with my adversary’s.
There is only one person I know whom I can never beat, and because he is not that person whom I mentioned, this is going to be a match I can never lose - and he was indeed far from being my match.
He was strong, but his blade never touched me. He did not even attack, and was only fending off each of my swift attacks until his blade shattered from the continuous impacts of the dancing shadowy fangs. Rejoicing song of triumph filled the air as the edges fixed themselves just a hair away from his throat, but both hesitated to draw blood and were slowly lowered.
I have won; and besides, I should have known better than to kill a person whom I can never kill. I could not tell who it was at first. He was a familiar stranger to me, and it was only through fighting him when I learn who he really was.
Moreover, it is no fun beating up a friend who would purposely lose to you every time you fought with him - and it is never worth the life of a friend so dear to see what lies ahead of those double doors.
“I assumed that you have found the exercise worthwhile.”
I have to agree with Eraser who has returned to accompany me back to where we came from; and as I turned back after both of us left the entrance of that gloomy corridor, the entrance vanished.
But I swore that I heard the creaking sound of doors opening echoing in the wind, but since I can never go back there - there is no point pondering about that.
Maybe I was not meant to go through those doors after all… Or is it that by turning back, I have done so…?
She only kept quiet as she led me back to where we both started, and vanished.
I have never recalled setting my foot along this narrow corridor before in my life, yet when I looked around me: at the old arches and the cobwebs that reside there, at the strange cracks which can be hard to see in poor lighting along the two dark walls facing each other in an eternal stare, and even at the old mysterious lamps which left me wondering for a while how, who and what have kept all these lamps lit at all times…
There was a feeling of mystery and strangeness in the air, and my mind was racing with anxiety and nervousness - afraid of what would be lying in wait for me at the end of this corridor. But somehow I still picked up the courage to move on and making sure that I am not left behind by Eraser. It was not just because that I was aware of the strange feeling of familiarity that came along with all these other emotions within me; but also knowing that I can always trust her in situations like this - and also because that this is the path that I am meant to take and finish.
Eraser knew what is lingering in my mind but I knew well that she has chosen to keep herself quiet; allowing me to discover the answer for our coming here later, which she knows in return that I would be able to.
I would expect the answer to be rather revolutionary, but never surprising - for I have already expected it to appear to me in such form, in a way when the past seems to repeat itself in the present.
Knowing that Eraser will never stop to wait for me whenever I stop to ponder, I have to keep on moving so that I will not be left behind. Her steps were not fast, thus providing my eyes the needed time to explore the gloomy surroundings, but they were not slow enough either for me to stop pondering for a long time. I need to get moving or it would take me forever to reach the end of this seemingly unending pathway.
Eventually we came to a point where I could see light at the end of the corridor. The corridor ends at a small chamber, and across the room is a pair of huge double metal doors which have been waiting to be opened.
The chamber was a spectacular sight; with lamps resembling glowing crystals illuminate the whole area and the four greyish walls. Judging from the decorations and the furniture around me (with a rather large cross visibly hung on one of the walls), it seemed to me that this place was once a small chapel - worn out assumedly of lack of use and maintenance.
“This pair of double doors, when entered, will lead you to the place where you desired to be at the most.”
Indeed?
Her nod was the confirmation that what she has spoken are the truth.
“But… There is still something you need to do before you will be able to open the double doors.”
Indeed as she finished speaking, I heard and felt strange powerful gusts of wind suddenly rushing from behind - from the corridor into the chamber. The whole chamber slightly roared for a moment with a strange but echoing voice, and both of us covered our eyes as the dust which once filled the place was blown all over by the wind. But as fast as it started, everything came into an abrupt stop, and right in front of where both of us stood, formed a spirit - like entity which slowly manifests itself into a man wearing medieval armour plates armed with a huge two - handed claymore.
“Thou shalt not pass tis door.”
She was no longer by my side, only to give me a reason more why I should not falter nor fear him. A pair of deadly black bladed katar now readily fasted on my arms, longing to lock blades with my adversary’s.
There is only one person I know whom I can never beat, and because he is not that person whom I mentioned, this is going to be a match I can never lose - and he was indeed far from being my match.
He was strong, but his blade never touched me. He did not even attack, and was only fending off each of my swift attacks until his blade shattered from the continuous impacts of the dancing shadowy fangs. Rejoicing song of triumph filled the air as the edges fixed themselves just a hair away from his throat, but both hesitated to draw blood and were slowly lowered.
I have won; and besides, I should have known better than to kill a person whom I can never kill. I could not tell who it was at first. He was a familiar stranger to me, and it was only through fighting him when I learn who he really was.
Moreover, it is no fun beating up a friend who would purposely lose to you every time you fought with him - and it is never worth the life of a friend so dear to see what lies ahead of those double doors.
“I assumed that you have found the exercise worthwhile.”
I have to agree with Eraser who has returned to accompany me back to where we came from; and as I turned back after both of us left the entrance of that gloomy corridor, the entrance vanished.
But I swore that I heard the creaking sound of doors opening echoing in the wind, but since I can never go back there - there is no point pondering about that.
Maybe I was not meant to go through those doors after all… Or is it that by turning back, I have done so…?
She only kept quiet as she led me back to where we both started, and vanished.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Chapter 8: Onward!
“Christianity is not for wimps” - a friend of mine told me this last night.
I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.
Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.
Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.
Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.
But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.
Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.
But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.
Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.
I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.
Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.
I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.
I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.
I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.
I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.
And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.
I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.
And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.
I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.
And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.
Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.
Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)
I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.
And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.
Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.
I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.
Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.
I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.
This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.
I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.
Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.
Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.
Onward!
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s
I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.
Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.
Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.
Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.
But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.
Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.
But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.
Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.
I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.
Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.
I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.
I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.
I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.
I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.
And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.
I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.
And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.
I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.
And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.
Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.
Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)
I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.
And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.
Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.
I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.
Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.
I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.
This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.
I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.
Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.
Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.
Onward!
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s
Chapter 7: The Servant of The Wind, No More
Sometimes in my life, I personally felt that I am nothing but a servant… No more than that. Honest.
Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.
Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.
I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.
There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.
But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.
I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.
But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.
Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.
It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…
I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.
And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.
Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.
Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.
But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.
And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.
Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.
There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.
Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.
I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.
And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.
Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)
Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.
Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.
I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.
There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.
But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.
I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.
But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.
Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.
It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…
I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.
And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.
Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.
Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.
But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.
And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.
Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.
There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.
Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.
I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.
And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.
Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)
Monday, July 20, 2009
Chapter 6: Limping... But Still Fighting!
No one likes to feel defeated. The feeling sucks, but face the facts: everyone will have to face it at least once in their lives, and I am no different.
I must have set myself an impression of a sore loser by typing such a lousy introduction for this blog post, but what the heck; do not expect me to be a super - spiritual human just for the simple reason that I am a Christian.
That is the biggest rubbish I think that have ever circulated in the skulls of us naïve and shallow-minded people of this entire planet.
I admit, that to fall back to my old addiction again (even if it is just for a single night) is indeed a crushing defeat for my side. Guilt was panging within me, and I have never felt any worse than what I have felt exactly a week ago.
It was a very hard fall; and even though I have got over it, the scars of my defeat remained for days. I felt so ashamed to seek Him - a feeling which I have almost forgotten after my three weeks’ time in Camp Cameron, and to fall again after thinking that I have gotten over my past for good; has dragged me further into the quicksand.
The experience of temporary spiritual paralysis was really depressing. Of course, I tried to rise up and move on… But I fall again to temptation on the next night.
I fell into a temporary spiritual darkness just half a day after I thought I have recovered and moved on.
For those who have never thought this is how tight my flesh was once bound to my past bondages, I hope this sharing of my experience here has given you all a rough illustration on how corrupted my flesh is. Temptation hounds me every time I began losing focus of God; usually before I am even given the chance to realize my own carelessness…
I hope you all will not be surprised if I tell you now that I have fallen three times into the same temptation within the span of less than a week. Since I have already told you that I have fallen twice, to tell that I have fallen for the third time will not make much of a difference anyway.
Again, feel free to think that I am a very pathetic person - because I really am.
Sometimes, I cannot really help but to think and doubt God whether He will be able to save me from my past shame and bondage, and of Him making me into a whole new creation. I know that they are true, but as what a human being will learn in his or her life, it is really clear that to know and to believe are totally two different stories. It is very depressing to learn this, but it is a reality that our race has been made with imperfection and limitations within our genes.
Even if we know that it is true, everything will still be useless if we still fail to believe and grasp in the truth. Again, I cannot help it, for I am a human, and as long as I am confined within my limitations, I will always continue to doubt even if what that is given to me is the plain truth - whether I have done it consciously or subconsciously is again, a totally different story.
But despite how shameful I am before the one and true God who is holy and perfect whom I still sin against even when I know that He is real and living, and that He knows perfectly of my sins and wrongdoings even if I would try my whole life to hide it away… One thing which I have realized from my relationship with my Heavenly Father is that no matter how bad our relationship have become, I will still have to move on and seek Him no matter what.
I may be limping, I may be experiencing a catastrophic spiritual eclipse for committing such a terrible sin, but I will still have to turn to Him no matter how pathetic I may have felt towards myself for being such a failure. He is the reason why I lived, no matter how many times I have chosen to stray away from Him, and without Him I would have lost the reason for me to live in this wretched world. I know that very well.
Without God, my life would be hopeless, and without the blood of Jesus, I would have been left aimless as I slowly drift towards my own damnation.
True, I admit that I may not find the prophecies of the coming days especially in the book of Revelations fancy, nor I have shown much interested to be concerned of what really lies in the future for me yet, but I still value the relationship I have with my dearest Heavenly Father in the present, and I really want to last for the days to come, or I might as well choose to cease to exist.
I know how God would hate it if I choose to kill myself - I wouldn’t, for His sake, but it is clear that my life will be as good as dead if I choose to disown Him for again, that kind of life will be meaningless for me.
I have grown so much in Him to know very well that God have seen my present state, with my scars and my limping and all. I am very well aware that He knew that I have lost the wrestle, and that I have been hiding from Him because of my shame. Yet, He has never left me despite how pathetic and useless I am - not even a moment.
And He still never fails to restore me again when I finally gathered the courage to seek Him back even after bringing Him so much disgrace.
I do not know how will He judge me later on when we meet before His throne, but I know well that I am better off in that condition than to be at anywhere else. After knowing Jesus, and who He really is, His Son who has died for me and lived again… Where can I really go?
And thank Him that I could still experience His amazing grace and mercy so abundant… Again, I am nothing without Him. This is one truth that I can never deny as a human being who has tasted before His agape love, and this is also the one thing which I dare to boast as a Christian: that I have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven, who is real and living; and that there is no other God comparable to Him, if there is really any.
Indeed, I am limping and struggling in my walk with God lately, but I am still fighting, refusing to surrender… Because where else can I go if not to Him?
I do not have any other options. I knew that very well indeed.
To be, or not to be: that is the question - William Shakespeare
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han (Seymour Nightweaver)
17th July 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Chapter 5: To Be Dragged Along The Road - In Loneliness
The new semester’s about to begin… But strangely I am feeling dry and lethargic deep within. The depressing feeling is back, and I really have to do something to keep myself up so that I will not fall or slip again just like in the past…
I know what’s wrong with me, God, but somehow I am always stuck with the feeling that I actually know nothing of the problems which I am facing right now -and now seems to be the perfect time for me to admit that I am actually a very disobedient and rebellious person before you, Father.
Again, I am pathetic.
But to be honest, I am really feeling like I am being dragged on the road which I am on right now. Everything seemed so fast, and often I found myself not being able to cope with everything around me. The burdens I carry on my back is already exhausting me enough - but I have to admit that I myself is also actually not free of blame as I myself have failed to make good use of my own resting period… I should have known too well by now of all the distractions which I am surrounded with, but why did I still allowed myself to be ensnared again?
I am really too tired of my daily life already. Camp Cameron has almost made me forget how sickening I once felt of my daily routine and it further sickens me to realize that this is what I am confined with. I am always feeling constricted in every way, whether it is financially, socially or even spiritually in my everyday life. Life is simply too demanding with all the required classes, assignments and tasks - and no one cares a damn on whatever problems you may have in our life. Again, everyone just expects for results and nothing else. Life as a reject alone is already too depressing for me at times. I have done enough grieving over my current lonesome state, and these are the times when I feel constricted and being pulled along the road that I really have to tell you, God, that I am really sick of my life right now.
Seriously, I have never thought that I have done anything right ever since I returned to campus. I am always carrying unbearable burdens which I am forced to drag around and everyone is always adding more and more luggage with each new day. Everything’s in a mess right now, and I’m also feeling financially tight at the moment considering that I have just spent Rm100 ringgit within two days… Life is really constricting me. I just do not know what to do…
And as usual, everyone else has better friends to hang out with as usual - and I’m feeling left out again. I know that there is no one to blame or to be angry with, but I am even more upset knowing this, because I know that I am not supposed to feel so when I actually wanted to because again, I clearly know that there is no one at fault. My emotions are suppressed by my own rationale, and I find this really suffocating.
I am back, with only God as my listening ears… Who saw everything that happened, who is the only one there for me in an hour like this. When everyone turned away from me, only you remained. He knows better that I have always longed for human companions but I will always end up with Him almost every time.
I know well that to have God would be far much better than anybody else, but again, to have this desire is to indicate that I am still human. Often, I would just shake off the feeling of loneliness and turn my attention to God, but sometimes, I just could not bear it anymore.
I am sure that God knows me well enough to say that I am one of those sons of His who is feeble and weak, and always beaten down in life. As much as I try to recover and find ways to cheer myself up, there will always be a point where I will hit my limit, when I cannot keep up with the pace any longer. I cannot choose to ignore that dark swirling void in me like it has never existed.
But because of this, I have the reason to turn to Him in times like this - and He has always been the one who pulled me through of all my mess.
I do not know why, I am really feeling sapped at this moment. Looks like I better stop for now. Rest and a short reflection seemed to be the best option for me for now.
*****
I have rested, and I am back again on this pleasant morning. I am much refreshed physically, but the strain on my spiritual side is still present, and my head is all jumbled up.
What am I actually missing? What have I left out to be in such a state of unrest mind?
My focus is all over, and my thinking seemed to be scattered and disillusioned. I am losing the purpose of my living, and the purpose why am I here right now in campus - perhaps that is what the problem is.
Looks like I have slipped from my original path already. I have taken a detour by mistake, and no wonder I am taking the toll for the extra distance.
Again, this is a blog written by a normal Christian with normal everyday problems. My Lord certainly have redeemed me, I have been set free from all my bondages and I truly believe that eternal life awaits me; but flesh-wise, I am the same as anyone else.
I have been made perfect before God, but my flesh still remained with its original limitations. The flesh and the spirit is always in a conflict and truly I find it a dilemma for me as I struggle to obey my spirit rather than my own flesh. There will be times when I disobey and rebel, for I am no different than anyone else in flesh. It is the relationship I have with dearest God that makes me different, as well as the response I try to give in respond to His agape love.
To be a Christian does not make us “super” humans with superpowers, though it may allow God to work His awesome powers through us for us and the people around us. Christians are still normal people with their own problems and struggles, but the only thing that make the difference is that at the end of the day, they always have a God they can turn to - and living God who they can always seek and come as who they really are, and who will always accept them out of His awesome Grace; a God who is also their friend and Father.
To be a Christian is to accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings, to admit that you are never perfect, and that you are not able to save yourself from the sins that you have committed.
Often I found myself lost in the strong currents of my life, and certainly this is not the first time I am feeling so suffocating in the journey of my life (and this will certainly never be the last) - but I will always turn to Him at the end of the day, and when I do and when I am done, my seeking will always end with songs of praise. Even when I do not get any answers from my seeking, I will still sing in joy anyway - because I know that whether He answers or not, He is God, and He is living and of course, He hears everything. I have felt His presence many times over to be convinced of this, and though I may not be able to hear God’s voice as audible as the prophets, to be able to feel His presence in my life alone and to know that I am on the right path which He has given me are usually sufficient enough to keep me going.
Again, Christianity is never a religion, but it is a relationship.
I do not know whether you all have understood what I have posted here… I do not care either, since this is between me and God, and also because I have found what I wanted - to be reminded of what God means to me, and to recommit myself to Him after being left astray for so long in the coming days. Guess He really wakes me up two hours earlier then usual for good reasons. It is time for me to seek His presence.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim. =)
WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER)
6th July 2009
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