Chapter 8: Onward!

“Christianity is not for wimps” - a friend of mine told me this last night.

I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.

Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.

Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.

Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.

But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.

Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.

But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.

Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.

I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.

Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.

I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.

I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.

I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.

I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.

And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.

I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.

And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.

I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.

And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.

Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.

Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)

I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.

And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.

Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.

I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.

Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.

I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.

This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.

I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.

Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.

Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.

Onward!

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s