Chapter 6: Limping... But Still Fighting!

No one likes to feel defeated. The feeling sucks, but face the facts: everyone will have to face it at least once in their lives, and I am no different.

I must have set myself an impression of a sore loser by typing such a lousy introduction for this blog post, but what the heck; do not expect me to be a super - spiritual human just for the simple reason that I am a Christian.

That is the biggest rubbish I think that have ever circulated in the skulls of us naïve and shallow-minded people of this entire planet.

I admit, that to fall back to my old addiction again (even if it is just for a single night) is indeed a crushing defeat for my side. Guilt was panging within me, and I have never felt any worse than what I have felt exactly a week ago.

It was a very hard fall; and even though I have got over it, the scars of my defeat remained for days. I felt so ashamed to seek Him - a feeling which I have almost forgotten after my three weeks’ time in Camp Cameron, and to fall again after thinking that I have gotten over my past for good; has dragged me further into the quicksand.

The experience of temporary spiritual paralysis was really depressing. Of course, I tried to rise up and move on… But I fall again to temptation on the next night.

I fell into a temporary spiritual darkness just half a day after I thought I have recovered and moved on.

For those who have never thought this is how tight my flesh was once bound to my past bondages, I hope this sharing of my experience here has given you all a rough illustration on how corrupted my flesh is. Temptation hounds me every time I began losing focus of God; usually before I am even given the chance to realize my own carelessness…

I hope you all will not be surprised if I tell you now that I have fallen three times into the same temptation within the span of less than a week. Since I have already told you that I have fallen twice, to tell that I have fallen for the third time will not make much of a difference anyway.

Again, feel free to think that I am a very pathetic person - because I really am.

Sometimes, I cannot really help but to think and doubt God whether He will be able to save me from my past shame and bondage, and of Him making me into a whole new creation. I know that they are true, but as what a human being will learn in his or her life, it is really clear that to know and to believe are totally two different stories. It is very depressing to learn this, but it is a reality that our race has been made with imperfection and limitations within our genes.

Even if we know that it is true, everything will still be useless if we still fail to believe and grasp in the truth. Again, I cannot help it, for I am a human, and as long as I am confined within my limitations, I will always continue to doubt even if what that is given to me is the plain truth - whether I have done it consciously or subconsciously is again, a totally different story.

But despite how shameful I am before the one and true God who is holy and perfect whom I still sin against even when I know that He is real and living, and that He knows perfectly of my sins and wrongdoings even if I would try my whole life to hide it away… One thing which I have realized from my relationship with my Heavenly Father is that no matter how bad our relationship have become, I will still have to move on and seek Him no matter what.

I may be limping, I may be experiencing a catastrophic spiritual eclipse for committing such a terrible sin, but I will still have to turn to Him no matter how pathetic I may have felt towards myself for being such a failure. He is the reason why I lived, no matter how many times I have chosen to stray away from Him, and without Him I would have lost the reason for me to live in this wretched world. I know that very well.

Without God, my life would be hopeless, and without the blood of Jesus, I would have been left aimless as I slowly drift towards my own damnation.

True, I admit that I may not find the prophecies of the coming days especially in the book of Revelations fancy, nor I have shown much interested to be concerned of what really lies in the future for me yet, but I still value the relationship I have with my dearest Heavenly Father in the present, and I really want to last for the days to come, or I might as well choose to cease to exist.

I know how God would hate it if I choose to kill myself - I wouldn’t, for His sake, but it is clear that my life will be as good as dead if I choose to disown Him for again, that kind of life will be meaningless for me.

I have grown so much in Him to know very well that God have seen my present state, with my scars and my limping and all. I am very well aware that He knew that I have lost the wrestle, and that I have been hiding from Him because of my shame. Yet, He has never left me despite how pathetic and useless I am - not even a moment.

And He still never fails to restore me again when I finally gathered the courage to seek Him back even after bringing Him so much disgrace.

I do not know how will He judge me later on when we meet before His throne, but I know well that I am better off in that condition than to be at anywhere else. After knowing Jesus, and who He really is, His Son who has died for me and lived again… Where can I really go?

And thank Him that I could still experience His amazing grace and mercy so abundant… Again, I am nothing without Him. This is one truth that I can never deny as a human being who has tasted before His agape love, and this is also the one thing which I dare to boast as a Christian: that I have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven, who is real and living; and that there is no other God comparable to Him, if there is really any.

Indeed, I am limping and struggling in my walk with God lately, but I am still fighting, refusing to surrender… Because where else can I go if not to Him?

I do not have any other options. I knew that very well indeed.

To be, or not to be: that is the question - William Shakespeare

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (Seymour Nightweaver)

17^th July 2009

Chapter 5: To Be Dragged Along The Road - In Loneliness

The new semester’s about to begin… But strangely I am feeling dry and lethargic deep within. The depressing feeling is back, and I really have to do something to keep myself up so that I will not fall or slip again just like in the past…

I know what’s wrong with me, God, but somehow I am always stuck with the feeling that I actually know nothing of the problems which I am facing right now -and now seems to be the perfect time for me to admit that I am actually a very disobedient and rebellious person before you, Father.

Again, I am pathetic.

But to be honest, I am really feeling like I am being dragged on the road which I am on right now. Everything seemed so fast, and often I found myself not being able to cope with everything around me. The burdens I carry on my back is already exhausting me enough - but I have to admit that I myself is also actually not free of blame as I myself have failed to make good use of my own resting period… I should have known too well by now of all the distractions which I am surrounded with, but why did I still allowed myself to be ensnared again?

I am really too tired of my daily life already. Camp Cameron has almost made me forget how sickening I once felt of my daily routine and it further sickens me to realize that this is what I am confined with. I am always feeling constricted in every way, whether it is financially, socially or even spiritually in my everyday life. Life is simply too demanding with all the required classes, assignments and tasks - and no one cares a damn on whatever problems you may have in our life. Again, everyone just expects for results and nothing else. Life as a reject alone is already too depressing for me at times. I have done enough grieving over my current lonesome state, and these are the times when I feel constricted and being pulled along the road that I really have to tell you, God, that I am really sick of my life right now.

Seriously, I have never thought that I have done anything right ever since I returned to campus. I am always carrying unbearable burdens which I am forced to drag around and everyone is always adding more and more luggage with each new day. Everything’s in a mess right now, and I’m also feeling financially tight at the moment considering that I have just spent Rm100 ringgit within two days… Life is really constricting me. I just do not know what to do…

And as usual, everyone else has better friends to hang out with as usual - and I’m feeling left out again. I know that there is no one to blame or to be angry with, but I am even more upset knowing this, because I know that I am not supposed to feel so when I actually wanted to because again, I clearly know that there is no one at fault. My emotions are suppressed by my own rationale, and I find this really suffocating.

I am back, with only God as my listening ears… Who saw everything that happened, who is the only one there for me in an hour like this. When everyone turned away from me, only you remained. He knows better that I have always longed for human companions but I will always end up with Him almost every time.

I know well that to have God would be far much better than anybody else, but again, to have this desire is to indicate that I am still human. Often, I would just shake off the feeling of loneliness and turn my attention to God, but sometimes, I just could not bear it anymore.

I am sure that God knows me well enough to say that I am one of those sons of His who is feeble and weak, and always beaten down in life. As much as I try to recover and find ways to cheer myself up, there will always be a point where I will hit my limit, when I cannot keep up with the pace any longer. I cannot choose to ignore that dark swirling void in me like it has never existed.

But because of this, I have the reason to turn to Him in times like this - and He has always been the one who pulled me through of all my mess.

I do not know why, I am really feeling sapped at this moment. Looks like I better stop for now. Rest and a short reflection seemed to be the best option for me for now.

*****

I have rested, and I am back again on this pleasant morning. I am much refreshed physically, but the strain on my spiritual side is still present, and my head is all jumbled up.

What am I actually missing? What have I left out to be in such a state of unrest mind?

My focus is all over, and my thinking seemed to be scattered and disillusioned. I am losing the purpose of my living, and the purpose why am I here right now in campus - perhaps that is what the problem is.

Looks like I have slipped from my original path already. I have taken a detour by mistake, and no wonder I am taking the toll for the extra distance.

Again, this is a blog written by a normal Christian with normal everyday problems. My Lord certainly have redeemed me, I have been set free from all my bondages and I truly believe that eternal life awaits me; but flesh-wise, I am the same as anyone else.

I have been made perfect before God, but my flesh still remained with its original limitations. The flesh and the spirit is always in a conflict and truly I find it a dilemma for me as I struggle to obey my spirit rather than my own flesh. There will be times when I disobey and rebel, for I am no different than anyone else in flesh. It is the relationship I have with dearest God that makes me different, as well as the response I try to give in respond to His agape love.

To be a Christian does not make us “super” humans with superpowers, though it may allow God to work His awesome powers through us for us and the people around us. Christians are still normal people with their own problems and struggles, but the only thing that make the difference is that at the end of the day, they always have a God they can turn to - and living God who they can always seek and come as who they really are, and who will always accept them out of His awesome Grace; a God who is also their friend and Father.

To be a Christian is to accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings, to admit that you are never perfect, and that you are not able to save yourself from the sins that you have committed.

Often I found myself lost in the strong currents of my life, and certainly this is not the first time I am feeling so suffocating in the journey of my life (and this will certainly never be the last) - but I will always turn to Him at the end of the day, and when I do and when I am done, my seeking will always end with songs of praise. Even when I do not get any answers from my seeking, I will still sing in joy anyway - because I know that whether He answers or not, He is God, and He is living and of course, He hears everything. I have felt His presence many times over to be convinced of this, and though I may not be able to hear God’s voice as audible as the prophets, to be able to feel His presence in my life alone and to know that I am on the right path which He has given me are usually sufficient enough to keep me going.

Again, Christianity is never a religion, but it is a relationship.

I do not know whether you all have understood what I have posted here… I do not care either, since this is between me and God, and also because I have found what I wanted - to be reminded of what God means to me, and to recommit myself to Him after being left astray for so long in the coming days. Guess He really wakes me up two hours earlier then usual for good reasons. It is time for me to seek His presence.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim. =)

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER)

6^th July 2009