Chapter 4: Of Love and Hate - The Origin and Aftermath

Before we start, I just want to be clear of something with you: Because I am pathetic, my romantic side is not much different either.

And another: My first relationship is not even worthy to be called romantic. It is really that pathetic. I really do not want to recall on or to elaborate in it any further. It is that pathetic.

But God still wants me to redeem that broken relationship. He has clearly told me so no matter how much I have chose to deny it and shove it under that old rag of mine, but it does not really matter anymore how much I would be feeling afraid or scarred each time this topic is brought before me - for I have finally did have the courage to mend it. The procedure was not as proper as I expected, but I can see that it is the best I am able to do.

And also, I really would like to thank the FES staffs and everyone else who have made Camp Cameron 2009 a success for the things I have learnt and issues in my life that I am made to face, because this is one of the issues which God has brought before me again during the camp. I may have struggled hard with Him regarding to this issue, but by grace He has helped me and gave me the opportunity to do so.

Still, I am aware that this will not change the fact that my first (and last so far) relationship is pathetic, and it is not even worthy to be even called romantic. I have now begun to realize that because I am pathetically raised up, I have become a pathetic person, and every aspect of my life will have the presence of one or more pathetic elements. Again, my relationships with others are what I see as the most problematic issue here… and if I am already unable or find myself struggling to cope even with a single and simple friend, just imagine how pathetic my romantic relationship will be. Again, my first one is not even worthy to be called romantic. I just find it too pathetic to classify it as that.

I really thank God for what dignity I am left with, because I am really pathetic as a human being. I would have been nothing without Him, and I doubt that I would have survived this long in this cruel world without His purpose, hope and love either.

Another thing about myself: I am a coward when it comes to making decisions or important life issues. The fear of the unknown alone would have made me indecisive and sometimes, blank. I rather act stupid and shove everything under the old rug or run away and passing the mess to another people than handling my problems myself. And for a coward like me, it is obvious that I would find Death’s offer for a quick solution for all the mess I have done in my life rather attractive - and I dare to predict that I might have taken that dumb offer somewhere during this period of my life if I have yet to know the God whom I know today.

I do not blame myself for how I am brought up and how I am deprived of the things I needed in establishing good human relations with the people around me.

I know it is not my fault. But do you know what is so sad and depressing about this fact? It is because of the dirty work of these stupid important and significant people in my life that has ruined me, but I am the one who has to bear the consequences of the damages I have done because of my ruined self. They told me to be someone and when I became otherwise, they would do everything else but to realize their own faults and admit that they have placed their own stupid self - ego over me. I do not care whether you are my father, my aunt, my friend, influential politicians, world leaders, religious leaders or anybody else who is bigger than me in life; I do not care - because I know that even your authority can never deny the fact that it is your fault that I am screwed, and I have every reason to hate you for all the things you forced me to bear today for what you have done for me. The power that you hold against me will never deny the truth that even though I am forced to submit to your lousy authority, you only care about yourself and but yourself. You know nothing about me, and what have become of me in your wretched hands, and I know clearly that all of you will not be bothered to care either.

The authority that you exercise on me to force me to submit to you even if it is through fear will only make me rebel and hate you more, because I do not see any other reason to submit to out apart of out of pathetic reasons such as material needs and fear. I will not love you nor will I not respect you either. Never. Do not be surprised if I do not come to your funeral, but am found celebrating over your long awaited death, even if I am to do it with but only myself.

The typical Asian tradition of respecting parents, elders and people in authority never seemed to apply to me any longer after seeing what all these people have done to me; and after that hiding behind their own authority by forcing me to deny all the damages they have done because I am still forced to submit to them even after they have abused their powers to such extent. These people are cowards and do not deserve respect as how I have viewed myself for being a coward - I do not care even if you are my father. Again, I do not care. To care is to just hate you even more.

I am aware that there are some of these people who did not do this intentionally to me. These people are easy for me to forgive. But to those pigs out there who rather become blind pigs than to admit the pigs in their own souls… If I ever ended up as a murderer today because of these pigs, it would be because I have found delight in slaughtering each and every one of these people like pigs; and when I am done with all of them, I would commit suicide in a way that I would die smiling. If God is not in my life today, this would have been what I really wanted to do with my life. I know myself, and I know and I now admit that this would be what I would want to do most if I remained as guideless and abandoned as I was in the past without the salvation of Jesus Christ.

All those are the words of my flesh. For those who have never thought that I am this wretched, this is how wretched I truly am. This is the flesh that I am forced to be made of, and it will be my flesh till the day of my death. Again, in here - all that I am to say about my life is going to be uncensored, unexplainable, but totally original, and honesty is priority even if it is brutal.

My flesh is not just evil and sinful in nature - but it is also filled with all the evil that is used towards me in the past. If not for God, it would have erupted from within me long ago, and I would have been gone for good in condemnation.

But if there is any love… Any kind of love that I still choose to show to these pigs, it will never be from me - for I did it for the sake of my God who has shown me agape love. I love because I believe in the hope God sees, and that He loves everyone regardless of what sins they have committed. Anything I have is God - sustained, and no more than that.

For those who are afraid of me or filled with judgemental thoughts against me right now; let me be clear with you that if you are so, you should have been feeling that since we first met because this is who I am right from the start - I just have not reach that level of self - realization which I have achieved in Camp Cameron regarding to myself.

The reflection before me in the mirror is still the same one; I just know it much better compared to when I looked at it in the past.

The flesh that made me in the past and today is no different. The hate, the anger and yearning for vengeance that are deeply rooted within me is the same: the only difference I have today is that I know why I have such corruptions within me.

But here is another thing which I believe, to feel and to act is two different things. I may anger, hate or be vengeful, but it is still my choice whether I wish to take action or not. I am a human with imperfections and whose flesh has been corrupted by this world’s abundant hate, so it is therefore, normal to be feeling that way at times… But I also have something else within me, which is the spirit, and also the power and freedom of choice. I cannot help but feeling hatred in times when I should be feeling so, but it is still my choice whether to follow the flesh or the spirit, and to decide whether my next action will be inclined towards hatred or love. This is the struggle Christian often face in their daily lives. I am just the same as the rest of you who believes in the Lord, as horrifying as the truth I have revealed about me to you just now.

And if this is how I see my emotions and actions towards the people I hate, this is also the way I see them towards the people I love and care for - especially in looking for intimate relationships.

Again, I am a human - and it is normal for me also to be in a state of infatuation or sometimes feeling emotionally attached to certain people around me. But at the same time, I have also realized lately that these feelings I have towards others may bring them harm instead when I recognized that my feelings and emotions may have been more amplified compared to other people - all because of the void of human relationships which I have within me.

Just as I have mentioned, I have lived my life deprived and denied of proper relationships - even within my family circle, and unbeknownst to me, I have been left to hunger for something which I have never realized that it exists. I have always been left abandoned and desolate thinking why would I find myself wanting to be involved with certain people when all they could give is broken relationships and the only thing I get out of them is being hurt and manipulated and me hurting and manipulating them in recoil. I have never really experienced a proper relationship before in my life until I received Christ into my life. That is one truth. Either people are not able to understand me fully, or people only care for but their own selfish selves.

I have been raised as a monster and I have become one; and now people are avoiding me because they realized that I am one. They made me into this, and they tried to deny me from realizing who I really am whom they have made out of their hands, but these hypocrites are also keeping themselves away from me because the truth is that I am indeed one and nothing will change that fact. Worse, they never show remorse or guilt for what they have done.

And for those who have done this to me and tell me to turn away from Christ, I will be clear that any harsh force that you would use against me regarding to this matter will turn you into an enemy - regardless of who you are. You have turned me into who I am, you placed the blame on me when I was but the victim, and you are now trying to force to deny the only hope for me to be saved and healed - because you want to me to remain as a helpless toy for you and your own pig - kind to play and victimize on! If I have no respect for God whom I love, I would have used all the four lettered F word I want right here to vent out all my anger I have harboured for 20 long years, because I hate people like you. I really do - and again; it is only for God’s sake that I have chosen and struggles to still love you, and if you want to make Him your enemy, you will have to make me one first for I refuse to submit to you any longer.

I rebel. I will not obey to your authority because to me there is no authority from you for me to obey. I will deny you the same way you denied me. That is what I will do if you push me to my limits.

I hate you bastards, and I hate the way you have made me into - because I am now a reject before everyone today because of what you have made me into. Only God accepts me and only He whom I acknowledge, so don’t you dare tell me to disown Him.

Now that you have seen how deprived I am in my relationships, what will you think of me when I have to face my need for friendships and fellowships as well as intimate romantic relationships? I never even knew how to keep these things intact since I have never been given the chance to have them in the first place! The only thing that I have in my heart about relationships when I first knew Christ is but hatred, deprivation and hunger! People only knows how to judge, condemn and reject me when I behave like an angry beast or demon, but they never bothered to listen nor to find out why because they only see things on the surface not willing to dwell into what is beneath my ugliness.

And to my friends, especially those who has been with me through both sweet and bitter times… I hope that you all can see and understand how much you all meant to me and how precious each and every of you are even just for listening to my wails and screams of pain; and I hope that all of you can see for the very first time, who is really the friend whom you all have extended your hands, attention, and love to, and how much I truly needed and appreciate these things from all of you.

I am a monster; but to those who are now my closest brothers and sisters… I want you to know how much your presence in my life is appreciated, though I have nothing valuable in my hands to repay you. I only can give you as much as I can, whether it is a simple prayer (I have to admit that I still could not find the discipline to really intercede regularly, consistently or for long hours), or a letter or poem of encouragement, or anything that I am able to make or give. Usually those are the best I could give, knowing that you all have better people to help you out or to provide you support you needed, and they are the ones who have better things for you. I may not be your best helper or closest person, but I still want to tell you that I still care, and you all can always call me when you need me. I am a reject who admits is drenched in hatred but still sees hope in love, all because I know that people like you all exists. I am the wind that blows in the night. This is who I am~

But for now, I will pray that all that I have placed into mending my relationship with my ex - girlfriend will work, and that all the wounds that we have inflicted upon each other would heal and recover. It is nothing much, but at least a brand new chance is the only thing I can give - but it is a chance that will come with a promise and new beginnings. Even if I do not trust her, I still trust God.

As for me friends, remember: I love you, both as a friend and brother. For those who never thought that your presence ever means this much to me, may this truth become an encouragement to you. Again, call me whenever you needed me.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (21^st June 2009)

Chapter 3: Me and Everybody Else (Part 2)

This is the continuation from the previous chapter.

I have almost forgotten in my depression of how sleep can make miracles out of me especially during times like this. Not only I felt much fresher, but I am also finding myself being able to focus much better.

And obviously, I am feeling less and less depressed with every moment because again, I only told you half the story last night. If I am not recovering, all that I have learnt since I met Christ would have been for naught.

But from the situation which I am in now as I am trying to type out this chapter, this is bad - because I cannot write on my depression if the feeling is no longer there; or does God wants me to write this when my mind is much clearer as it is now? God works in so many ways that are still a mystery before us.

Still, rest assured. Even when I was typing out the first part of the story, God has already begun His healing on me. It is me who did not mention it - because that was just one half of the story, and this is the other and the final part. I left the gloomy ones in the previous chapter, and I will now reveal to you the light behind this darkness that is surrounding my current condition.

Remember how much I have repeated on how pathetic I am? Again, I hope you are reminded that I am not beating myself; but I am just reinforcing the truth, that in flesh and without God, I am pathetic. To admit this is to accept the need I have for God in my life. To acknowledge my own brokenness is the first step to learn how to be humble and daring to present myself as I really am. As mentioned in my title, I am presenting my life uncensored here.

I am pathetic. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found my strength.

I cannot do anything good. That is why I needed God. Through Him I can be fruitful.

I am a reject. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found love and acceptance.

I am who I am, and I accepted it. That is why I needed God. Through Him I believe that I will find myself provided.

For those who still have not noticed this - this is the Wilson you know, down to the deepest core.

This is one of the most important things which I have learnt from Camp Cameron, and this will be how I choose to live my life from now on.

I do not believe in withholding things especially my feeling towards the people whom I feel close with. When I care, I care. When I grieve, I grieve. And when I anger, I anger. I go full throttle. Things may go awry at times especially when my emotions have gone unstable, but if given proper empathy and trust, I know I will be able to deliver my message across - because I know of a handful of people out there who are willing to listen and be emphatic to me, and most of the time these people will always get what I am trying to convey to them. And these people, they have become my closest and most trusted brothers and sisters - people whom I can always lean on in times of need and helplessness.

Also, these people are also the ones whom I find not as withholding compared to the others. Maybe it is because they are trusting in nature, but even on my side, I am only take what that is offered to me. I am not one who makes demands, and I never feel that I ever have the position to do so. Even if I dare to ask and make demands, who could fulfil them? I know myself that I lack the ability to earn them from people, and whatever I tried, it just won’t work. I am not the type who mingles with everyone the way everyone does it. My jokes are cold and occasionally sarcastic. I am not good with current trends and issues, but am inclined with deep, boring and complicated philosophical stuff which people will not talk about in daily practical lives. I am poor in paying attention for what others are trying to tell me through their body languages and most of the time, people just find me a very lousy socialiser trying to fit in.

Besides, if I would really make demands for the things I needed in my relationships, I would have been left but with myself by now. Again, I am a reject.

People only know how to tell me to try to get over things without even caring to find out what is going on beneath the surface. Correction, because I should not be just talking about the people - but the world as a whole. In a realm where all everybody cares is the results and not how things are done, my background and past is meaningless. No one is bothered to show empathy. I know I am sounding like a loser right now, because I admit that I am one. That is why I am one of you today, my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am nothing without God, and I am not ashamed to admit this. In fact, right now I am proud that I am but good - for - nothing; for this is how I learn to appreciate God in life. Anything that is good out of me, I give praise to God - for I clearly know that all that is good comes from Him, and that my flesh only brings imperfection and lack. But yet, despite the fact that I am nothing but a pathetic and a good - for - nothing loser, I still have the confidence and boldness to do things especially those which I know He has inspired me to do so, because I know that with God, I am unstoppable, an unquenchable fire that will never stop burning until all that is to be burned are nothing but ashes. I know to what extent I can do things with His anointing, and I definitely know what He can do to certain people when God called me to reach out for them. He is awesome, and He is beyond comparison. This is the God I, you, and everyone know.

Again, He may be one who will never stop and will never compromise until we do things the way He wants us to do it, but He is tender, and He is so loving that we will certainly find comfort in His presence. Of course I will be spiritually depressed and weary at times - this is normal, especially to me. But it is not natural for me to linger around in such a state more than a day or two. God heals, and God reconstructs.

And if I who am nothing good at all can accomplish what I have accomplished today with God, so can you.

I do not know what all of you will have in mind for me by the point you reads this, but I do not care - simply because all this is the truth, and if this is what you would feel or think towards me after knowing all this, then it is something which I find inevitable because I believe that all that is true will stand true no matter how much I would want to deny it.

This is me, and I am definitely made me for a reason. I really believe that. That is why I am still breathing, and that is why I am still a friend to each and every one of you. I may not be anything good, but I believe that I am here for many reasons, and the reasons are good - because all this comes from God whom I love. And to know that God can and will work through me to accomplish what He wants me to do despite my lacks and inadequacies, I am always eager to adventure with God towards what lies ahead of my journey - despite the fact that the world can be very depressing at times. He is a miracle worker, and I am truly privileged to be able to let His miracles work through me though small these miracles may seem.

In the previous part you have seen me reopening back my old and hideous wounds… and right here I want you to show you that I reopened them not because I want to beat myself up in showing how pitiful I am nor to ask for any form of sympathy, but it is because I know that it is only by reopening my wounds and admit my own hurts that God will be able to heal what that is injured beneath my temporary self - wrapped bandages.

If you have previously judged me for letting myself fall in such depression, here is the time for me to clarify my own actions, and also for you to reconsider whether you are correct in your previous judgements; because again, I never felt that I was wrong to express my feelings and emotions freely even if it is depression, for I know I should be doing so. God wants it that way so that I can be open for mending and healing. I believe that God can do real work in me because He is now working with the real me. Yes - the real deal. No jokes.

I am not going to be bound by man’s self image that keeps telling me to look good, for this kind of good looks are nothing but cover makeup and puny lies. Self - image does not bring any healing; it only covers the surface so that others cannot see our hidden and shameful scars. I will choose to be me, to portray myself as who I really am. Uncensored and unexplainable, but totally original.

See me as shit if this is how anyone chooses to see me, but I will still boast because God has seen something valuable in me whom he or she has called shit. That is all that matters to me. It is only between me and God, and all the shit that others have flung in their stupid attempt to hit my face is definitely out of the topic.

Besides, even if it is really shit that is tossed towards my face, I just need to wipe it away and clean myself. No idiots are going to stop me anymore in my affairs with God Almighty. Even if all the bread has been fed to the children, I as the dog will still get to eat the crumbs that fall from my master’s table.

I am fragile, but I am also tough in my very own ways. As I have mentioned before, toughness if not measures by how good are you in avoiding from getting hurt, but it is about how good are you in recovering from every hurt that you have gone through.

And from the way I see things now… The more fragile I realize I am, the tougher I have become - all because I have come as who I really am.

From here onwards is something which I have typed out for a specific someone whom I know. If this message if for you, you will find that out yourself when you read this:

I know that you have told me before that you hoped to see me to write beautifully and gracefully especially in my poems, and I am here to tell you (just in case if I have not made it clear to you, and also as a reminder if I already had) that I will make sure with my own left hand that you will see that your hopes will be fulfilled.

I admit that there are some of my works what are purely poignant and fuelled by darkness and hatred, but most are written out of my self - consciousness as a person who sees and admits my own lacks and shortcomings. I let my emotions flow freely and unrestricted, because I want to be that way - free to feel, free to give, and free to receive; even in my walk with God.

Darkness is around me, because I am honest enough to admit that I am living in a world of darkness, and that every corner of my flesh is also filled with it. But you will have my word that I will always try my best to give away both beauty and radiant light to both myself and the people who needs it no matter how fallen this world can ever be, because God is with me, and He will ever be - like the wind that blows all around.

I will never let you down. I promise you; not because that you are anyone significant, nor because that you are a friend, but it is simply because you have hopes for me, and that you have made an effort to give me a reason to hang on unto those hopes of yours. I hope that I am very clear with this. I am being cautious here.

Again, you have my thanks, and I will remember to harvest my gratitude and make it into bottles of sweet, fragrant wine - just as promised. Do not forget to bring your cup when you see me again in summer - a barrel (or barrels) if you wanted to. =P

The harvest will be abundant.

[End of Personal Message]

With the end of this message, so will be for this chapter and the final part of the whole story. I hope that all of you will be clarified of all the questions you all were having in the first and gloomier part. Peace to you for the days to come. It is time for me to soar again.

Part Two: Completed. =)

The wind passes by, refreshed and renewed~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19^th June 2009)

Chapter 2: Me and Everybody Else (Part 1)

It has been a while since I last experienced a spiritual strain as bad as this.

I have almost forgotten how hard it is to live my life for the people around me when I am constantly battered and hurt by them.

And to be surrounded by unbelievers again just made life tougher as I yearn more and more with each passing day for fellowship and spiritual encouragement. This is straining me to my breaking point. I really cannot survive without keeping in touch with my brothers and sisters, and the blackout which happened near my residence today made everything worse - because all the cyber cafes are down so I could not make any form of contact whether through Facebook, Yahoo! or MSN.

It is not just boring, but it is also dry - both physically and spiritually. Just imagine me spending the past 9 hours playing computer games. I know that games are not good for me either, but I am just simply too discouraged to do anything else.

All in one simple word: Sigh.

At least I have managed to pick myself up enough to pour out what I have been feeling since two nights ago here despite that it is already one in the morning. I hope this will not strain me physically later as I am planning to accompany someone to town in the afternoon perhaps.

I know that this is what you are thinking: At one point I was so fired up for God and at another, I looked so glum and dispirited. As far as I am concerned, you are looking at a real person here and not one whom you made with your perfect - like ideology of what a decent Christian should be.

Face the facts. We are all living in a fallen world. Life is tough, especially if you have chosen to live a Christian life. The question now is just whether you are willing to accept the truth that there will be times when you will fall; and whether you dare to stand up again after you do, knowing that you will fall again some other day. Again, being tough is not about keeping yourself from getting hurt, but it is about persevering and enduring through all the hurt you have gone through.

I am aware that this sounds depressing, and by now I would not be surprised to find some of you rebuking me deep inside your hearts - but again, I am just being honest here. This might be hard to swallow for some, but face the facts.

Again, God sees this world as filled with evil and wickedness for very strong and obvious reasons, and if you can truly see the reasons why it is so, you too will be as depressed as me.

I am not talking about what I think God has seen the sins us humans have done in the 21^st Century. There’s no need for that. If you have not noticed this verse, flip to Genesis 6:5, and be surprised.

The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. - Genesis 6:5

No kidding. The verse is not even talking about us. It is only touching at the wickedness our ancestors have once done long in the past. If God could be so grieved that He has made man on the earth, and He wished to wipe man out from this earth because man has caused Him great pain at that time… Just imagine what would He feel and do when He look at what we are doing today. We would have been toast - worse than that most probably.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the fact that I really have the reason to feel depressed right now - especially if you also agree that what we are doing now are far worse than what our ancestors have done. I cannot help but to admit that I am really disappointed with human race, and that there are some wretches out there who would rather keep everything for themselves to the point that they would deny what is supposed to belong to another.

Humans are so pathetic, yet they still have the nerve and ego to look down upon people who admit their own imperfections through their awareness of how pathetic they are. Great. I have found another reason on why am I so depressed at this moment - and what a pathetic reason to be so.

But that is the truth. As I have been repeatedly mentioned here… I am pathetic. As a human flesh, I really do not have any capacity to make any difference in this world. I do not have the power. I do not have the money. I do not have any charisma either. I do not have anything which I can use against the rest of the community who makes the whole world. Flesh wise, I am trapped in the world currents, and I have no choice but to be drifted away to where the rest of the world wants me to go - even if it would mean my own demise. Isn’t this pathetic, as what even the dictionary has defined?

Again, I am not beating myself. I am just merely telling the truth.

And guess what? I am not just depressed, but I am also upset and angry over everything that is revolving around my life.

I do not even feel the need to tell you the reason. Just look around you and you will know it yourself! Life sucks, and worse, if I am to really exercise the purpose and reason for why am I here on earth, I am very certain that I would have to be one of those people who have to clean up the mess which the rest of us humans have done out of our own self - imposed for - display - only intelligence (or in other words, stupidity which we failed to admit even to ourselves). To make things worse, those idiots who have dumped all these crap into our hands will not even be thankful to us. They rather label us as being stupid because we are willing to do their dirty work when all others would not. Hey, don’t you know that it is actually because of you idiots that the world is falling apart today~! You blind??

But what pains me the most is that I have not yet begun looking things in my own personal level of importance; I am just seeing things in general.

I am a very complicated person, and you know better that a complicated person is really hard to please because his needs will also be complicated in certain.

Firstly, I love being around people. I really do, but social wise; I am nothing but a reject. Secondly, I always want people to understand especially when I began to do things differently, but even if I explain, none will understand, because they won’t listen. Thirdly, I am not as capable as everybody else at times, but people expect me to fulfill their own expectations without even stopping to consider my feelings.

I know not all of you are like this, and I hope that I do not sound like I am blaming you all for what I am going through now; for I know I cannot start blaming and hating anyone regarding to this matter. But the point is: it hurts, and I really do not want to bottle up the pain anymore.

For those whom I have warned that deep inside, I am a very emotionally fragile person, I would like to remind you again that I am really that kind of person. As much as I do not want to affect others just because I can really turn ugly at times, people will still try to exact pressure and pain on me every single day and time. I am a person who relies a lot on my emotions, and I know that none of you will like it if you realized that my emotions have been distorted or knocked unstable by someone or something. No one likes me when I am in this condition, and during these periods when I would need my friends the most to be with me and to help me recover from my breakdowns, most of them would be found conveniently avoiding me instead. That sadly, is another truth - and it is really a depressing one for me.

As much as people always try to force me to knock this out of my mind, I would still hold firm to the fact that life sucks - because that is the truth, at least for my life.

And really to be against what most people would have been thinking of me and my actions, I never really demanded anything from anyone in any relationship. I never did. I know what I wanted; I know what my needs are as a person on one end of the relationship… But I believe that I have never really asked the other person to provide what I needed, and I only took what is graciously offered to me - mainly because I know that my demands will never be met; either because he or she could not afford to give, or because he or she have other people and better people whom he or she find more deserving or needy of. I have tried asking, but I would just end up with nothing and I would even risk spoiling the current relationship I have with the other person. 100% probability. There is no need for me to even calculate. I cannot ask for anyone to fulfill my needs, nor can I expect anyone to be able to guess that I have such a need either. Again, I am a born reject, and I am forced to admit this whether I like it or not.

It is really tough to accept the fact that I am really this fragile, and to know that the people around me will always break and scratch me because they do not realize my fragile state, pains me even more. But at the same time, I know I cannot live without these people, so I cannot have them leave or abandon me either because I am this fragile. I would have been totally smashed into smithereens if this really happens to me.

To gain a friend is to embrace the possibility that they would hurt me over and over again for the days to come, but the pain of losing a friend is a torment far worse.

As a person who has been brought up deprived of real relationships, attention and self - value, I really cannot blame them for my depression. I hunger, yet I cannot expect them to fill me, and I cannot have them leave me either. I really do not want to open up anymore stories of my past right here. What I am typing down now is painful enough for me for now.

I am really tired and sleepy right now, but I know well that I cannot stop here yet. Now is not the time, though it is already 3.20 in the morning. I am really sapped of strength, but at the same time, I am restless. I must go on. I cannot afford to stop. At least not now…

But for most of you, I hope you have learned something about me here which you have not known before. And by this point if there is anyone of you who are feeling guilty because of anything which you have done to me in the past, just swallow it down and forget it. I am not a debt collector, and I definitely did not write all this just to shoot you all down. Again, I never expected you to do anything after reading this, and I only want to pour everything out. I am also obviously not trying to manipulate anyone here so please do not feel threatened or scared, or angry or anything relevant. I have received before such a feedback from someone, and I really do not like to receive another feedback such like that again - mainly because that it was not my intention to do so, and also because that the feedback has also reminded me of something from my past which I have been trying to forget. I JUST WANT TO POUR OUT~! NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! Am I clear here???

Boy, am I tired right now… Frustration and further depression is another matter. Looks like I better rest, despite the fact that I really do not like to leave my writing hanging like this… But again, this is just half the story. You still do not know what is actually going on beneath the surface.

To be continued…

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19^th June 2009)

Chapter 1: Reshaping Life (A Writer's Version)

From the way I see things, my life and my dreams coexist and entangle with each other. Life is to be maximized by putting our dreams into life motion.

As the useless dreams and illusions are shattered and smashed, I will live out what that is left of those that has value - so that my life will have value.

This is how it will be from now on, for this is the life this wind will embark from today onwards.

Seriously, if I really have the time to daydream useless things, I might as well spend the time instead on making dreams which has value into reality. Living out my dreams is definitely different and far much better than to live in my dreams. And besides, life is also much more fun this way.

A writer like me is not going to be discouraged because he is scrutinized by people who underestimate what impact writing can do to the world, nor he is going to stop writing just because people does not appreciate his work of expression. I am aware that most of the things which I write are rather introspective which concerns mostly on my self, but again, the power of choice is in my hands. If this is what I have chosen to write, this is what that shall be written. I have my reasons for doing things, and I have my reason whether to share them or not with you. This is how I will do things from now onwards, for this is the way I should be doing things right from the start.

My dream may be small compared to what most of you may be dreaming for in your lives, but I believe that my dreams are what I ought to be dreaming for, and I trust God to provide me everything else. I dream my dream knowing and trusting the gifts God has given me, and I am sure that this is what He wants me to do with it. Some people are entrusted with big jobs, while some people are given small works and errands. I am the one who I believe has been given the task to write. Yes, to write - and God has made me in a way that I will certainly find joy in the works He has given me.

I have seen with my own eyes how other people’s writings have made an impact on me, and I believe that I too will impact others through my own writing as well. Those who do not appreciate the art of writing, so be it. I do not care. But to those who do, and to those who have the ability to manipulate such art, pay attention to what I will write.

What is written on a piece of paper may seem to remain on paper, but a writer knows well that words can be contagious to the heart and soul.

I may not have money, I may not have power, and definitely I do no have these to shake the world with my own hands as certain people has done recently in history, but if I am given a chance to dream big… I will dream that one day, I will shake the world with my left hand alone, and I will boast that I could do it using neither money nor the power of this world. If I am to gain them later on in life, it will be through the gifts and talents which God has first given me. I may be nobody before the eyes of the world, but as long as I am underestimated, I have the upper hand. I just need to polish up to really make a difference.

I may not be one of those writers who are vanguards in the battlefield. I may not have the writing charisma nor the inspiration, but I believe that my writing is still of some use, and as little as my talents can me, it is not ought to be wasted. I might become one of those who lead and make the first impact someday - God willing; but for now, I just want to believe that whatever little I can contribute to God and His Kingdom, I will contribute because everything counts. Big or small is just a whole different matter.

And when I say big or small contributions, I am not just talking about writing. Whether it is your tithes and offerings, your servings in your church or Christian fellowship, or anything else which you have given to God in helping to build up His Kingdom down to a small glass of cold water, it counts. No one is to comment or judge another based on what he or she has chose to contribute to the Kingdom but God Himself. Give what God wants you to give, do not care a damn about anything else because this is just between you and God - all other meddlers keep away! Personally, I really find it very sickening to see people compare things - especially on things which we are not supposed and do not have the relevance or the right to do so. I hate how the world has corrupted people to turn to its corrupted ways. I hate to see this happening around me.

It is really not us to determine whether someone has not given enough or given what God has told him or her to give. Let God be the judge! It is really not us to force people to give all they have as offerings, and it is not for us to criticize either when we see people not putting anything in the offering bag. I am really angry seeing how much of these negative influences has been circulating around as I watch people either boasting in pride for how much they could contribute, or feeling degraded and incompetent because they could not contribute as much as everyone else have expected him to do so.

This is totally rubbish!

I always believe that the bricks that are used to build God’s Kingdom are not just made of money alone. I never believe that it is such a way, as much as men see it as so thanks to their materialistic senses. I am aware that I have nothing good in me, but God recognized me as the same as everyone else and He accepts everything I gave on behalf of His Kingdom, knowing that this is what He wants me to do with the things He entrusted me with. Isn’t that alone is enough? It is the same for everyone. Don’t you dare give me any more excuses so that you could continue to judge others on their personal affairs with God. Again, meddlers are supposed to be off limits but there are just so many nosy people out there who do not understand human language. Idiots.

Again, what I have may be nothing much, but the question is not about how much I am willing to give, but it is whether I am giving what I am ought to give before God and not men. I may just be a writer, and I know I could not contribute as much as others can contribute, but God accepts my work just the same as everyone else - because I know that even though my load may be lighter and different compared to others, my load that is given to me is still my load, and that I have delivered it all the way to my master just the same way everyone does it. That is the only things I need to care about, and leave the rest to God whom I trust.

Just as a hammer does its work by hitting down the nails, so will a screwdriver does its work by driving down the screws. Different work, but work is still work.

Both are just the same, and God knows that even better.

And if my work is to write for God, it is the same for a multi - millionaire who is given the work to donate his wealth for God. Big or small does not really matter. What matters, is that we do the work we are given and we complete it.

…Looks like my work is almost done. My dream to inspire and make an impact through my writing is set. My promise that I will write and be remembered for beautiful and graceful poetry will always be remembered. Now, I would like to bring up another question. How about you? Are you going to live up your dreams; or do you even have one?

I believe that my dream and the task which God has given me is the same, though I am aware that it may be a whole different case for you; but still, it is always good for our lives to be driven by something and to be given a purpose. Think and reflect about this before the new semester begins. Best, ask God for the answers you seek. He is the One who first assigned us to live on this planet and to be given reason to live anyway. Ask Him! What God and His wisdom are for if you do not seek from Him?

But as for me, my work has begun. Time to break down the disillusionment and start working live in reality. God’s work will never end until He says so.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (17^th June 2009)

Introduction: Dreams to Shatter

From my eyes, a part of my own life is but a dream.

I lived a portion of my life each day like the way I lived in my dreams, so every morning when I woke up from my slumber… I lost a portion of yesterday - as I wake up from one dream into another.

Such is the life of one who is stuck in the middle of the current, but too reluctant to get out of the dilemma. What patheticism. This word may not be found in the dictionary, but this the word I will use. Let me be clear with you that if you are going to read anything here… you will be reading what I want you to read at my own terms, not yours.

Welcome to my world, a world which I myself sometimes do not understand - maybe because I keep losing a portion of my understanding of it every time I wake up from my slumber. Again, a part of my life is a dream, and I will lose it every time I wake up the day after.

This is very weird, even to me, but this is what I am experiencing each passing day. Often I wondered… do other people experience what I have been going through in my life? If they do not, then why am I the only one who is going through this? But I do know one truth:

I rather dwell in my dreams and imaginations that rather to live out my life in this world.

Am I being too artistic here? I do not think so. I still feel that I still have a sense for practicality, and thinking back, I began to agree with myself that it is actually my practical attitude which has lead me to this state of life.

What other form of escapism from this world would be better than this? I do not need drugs, I do not need computer games, nor do I have any need to waste money to get anything to crave on - though I still sometimes find it convenient for others to “make” the dreams for us before I dwell into it, though I myself too must realize that what others made for us might not be the way we want it to be.

Imaginations as everyone know, is free, and best of all… it is ours to create, ours to have, and ours to keep and dwell in. That is what that makes our own imaginations contagious to respective selves, and when it is contagious, it is addictive.

Dreams and imaginations is said to be the ignition towards creation in reality. Human inventions are always originated first as a dream or an imagination within the mental realm of their inventors. But when I look around at the world today, I have began to see that as the world are getting more and more corrupted each passing day, our dreams and imaginations are also getting distorted because the world itself has subconsciously shaped our way of thinking - and the way and purpose of why we dream and imagine things. And from that, comes the escapism syndrome which I now realize I am suffering from now.

Most of you by now should have realized that to live such a life is really pathetic, but guess what? I am pathetic, and people who think that they are pathetic live pathetic lives. Everything about me is pathetic, and it has always been that way. I am a reject today because this is how I am raised to be: either I am rejected without being given even a single consideration, or people just could not figure out how to accept me. I know that most of those culprits who did this to me do not know what they are doing - and deep inside I myself know that I have already long forgiven them. But for those who either did it on purpose for this purpose, those who did very terrible harm to me whether they did it deliberately or not, and those who did it only because they only care about themselves, what they feel and what they think and not a damn about me (and especially to those people who have done all these three different kinds of shit to me), give me one bloody reason why I should even be thinking of you pigs.

For those who have seen before this dark side of me, and have told me how scary I am when I am in this state of mind, let me be clear to you that I have tried and I am still trying my best to handle myself. I am still human, and I cannot help but filling myself with hatred whenever I look at myself full of scars done by inhumane humans. I am a victim of this paradoxical world, and my enemy is hypocrisy (and from the way I see it, my battle has always been a losing one).

But friends - especially my brothers and sisters, be rest assured for that is one of the many reasons why I turn to and am now saved by Christ; and that I definitely will not think of killing anyone or myself (or try to invent a mass destructive weapon to annihilate the whole world). I find these actions plain dumb, even for myself. I am not that stupid, though I realize that I myself have given you a reason to worry about me, if you are right now.

Now going back to my topic, I will not ask you to put on my shoe and try to understand me - because as I read what I myself have typed down so far, I can already tell myself that I can never expect all those who reads this will be willing understand me or what I am trying to say here. I dare to say that most of you will automatically correct, judge, and criticize me before I could even explain. Some would even accuse me right now in my face that I am just giving myself excuses to continue dreaming and to continue to live my life as pathetic as I wanted it to be. And for these people, I can only tell you this: stop reading right this instance because you are not the person I am typing this out for - for I can only say nothing apart from that until you have tasted what I have tasted, you will never want to understand what I wrote here.

But the bottom line is: For me, life in reality sucks. Seriously, I do not see anything good in my life that does not come from God. It is all from Him and apart from those, the rest are nothing but shit (What can I say? The world is a fallen world).

Yes, God is the only one I can rely on right now, and if I in any way choose to go against Him, I can frankly tell you that my life will be temporarily screwed until I totally mend the relationship - and when I say screwed, I mean my words. I do not know how I could have ended up relying on Him so much, but one thing’s for sure… I need Him, and He is the only One who is standing in between my sanity and my inner bestial instinct telling me to start roaring, grab the nearest machete I can get hold on and swing it to end another person’s life. In other words, if there is one person I can thank for keeping me sane after going through what I have gone through, He would be God (or should I say three people…?).

I am very clear with all those things that are taught to me: Love your neighbour, but again… I am human with my own imperfections. Do not expect me to simply love my enemies just like that especially after all the pain and hurt they have caused me, with some done without even a single regret by some of these rascals. Just like Jacob, I have my own struggles, and I definitely have my own things to wrestle on. Don’t you dare judge me with unrealistic expectations. I am a human, and I deserve to be looked at as a human! I am mine to decide, I am mine to lead, and I am mine to live; and if there is anything above me and is given the right to govern over my life, that would be God alone.

I have learned and realized that I am now a Christian not because that I admit that I am good or holy, but it is because of otherwise. It is because that I am pathetic, good - for - nothing… that I have now surrendered myself to Christ. I seek His mending because I dare to admit and I dare to show that I am broken and needed mending. You may not look up to me nor you will ever give me the respect I need again after reading this, but I am not ashamed of myself and of what I lacked, because this is why I am who I am today, and this is why I can experience God’s grace, love and forgiveness in my life. God is all I needed. I do not need any extra unemphatic idiots to ruin my life and my relationship with God, and obviously I do not need comments, criticisms and suggestions from these numbskulls either.

Boy, I am feeling sleepy right now. It’s already 3am in the morning, but I know I must finish this before going to bed later. I do not want to risk missing a portion of what I wanted to type down later on when I wake up. But I do not think I have anything else to type down either. In fact, I already lost the purpose of why I wanted to type this out in the first place. Typing this out will not change my life. Typing this out will not change the hearts of those who have hurt me. Typing this out will definitely not help me to do anything at all. But at least through typing this out, I get to gain an insight of how my life has been so far, and giving me a good opportunity to think about the certain things which I have overlooked in my life since the past few years when I first began “dreaming”.

Are dreams really that worth living in? Is it really worth to dream and imagine myself flying over the blue yonder, when I can try to soar in the life I am living in right now? I am the wind that blows in the night, and I am the breeze that blows during sunrise - and this is who I really want to be. Looks like I already found the answer, but obviously the answer alone would be useless if no work is involved on my part. For those who understood what I am trying to tell you, by now you would know that I will need your constant prayer to move on and to continue growing in Christ. For those who still do not understand, again - this is not for you to read. Get lost!

Dreams provide an escape from the harsh reality I am living it, but how long will I run away? Now is the time for me to determine the answer. Time is here to start working: To shatter my daydreams, and to rebuild my life as a whole… Life is never easy to live, but I believe that God has allowed me to live so far for a reason - and the reason will definitely be good. I trust Him, though it is mainly because that I have to. There is no other way.

I really cannot wait to know that the sun has risen, though I know that I would still be sleeping by the time it really does. The new day is ahead of me - a brand new exciting day…

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (17^th June 2009)