Wednesday, April 6, 2011

This blog is closing.

Everyone,

Just went to tell you that I am about to close this blog. I won't be deleting it, but I won't update it neither.

I've started a new blog called Ripples with a bunch of my friends, which also comes with a slightly different concept. Why don't you go and check it out? =)

www.rippling-ripples.blogspot.com

See you there.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

If there is something that I wish to pray for at this moment... It would be for God to teach me how to guard my heart, and for Him to teach me as well... how to trust on Him and to believe that He will provide everything in due time...

I know my heart has been left longing for too long already... but Lord, as hard as it seems - I want to trust you more.

I want to.

L'Chaim.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Chapter 11: Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love

Often I know what to do… often I know what is right… but I realize now what it meant by things are “much easier said than done”….

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up…. I know this very well. This can be found it in the Bible (though I can’t remember which verse already) and to a certain extent, I know what it means… but I admit that it is still something that I am still struggling with - especially with important things which I find reluctant to do.

Till this very day, even though I have gone this far in my journey with God, I feel that I am still unable to bring much impact unto my family and the people around me... and not just that, I am also still finding myself rather inconsistent with my devotions and my time with God. I’m losing focus again, and I begin to see that my spiritual walk was a fluctuating one rather than one that will keep on rising and progressing…

Looking back… I begin to ponder, have I ever been putting God first in my life? Have I ever been considering Him as my priority? Has the life I have been living has been one that is truly pleasing before Him?

I know dear Father, I know Your grace. I know how much You loved me without expecting anything from me for all comes from none other than Your abundant and overflowing grace… But Lord, I am one who is full with incapability, and I am one who I find myself often straying away…

Father, sometimes I have to be honest that I can’t tell anymore at times whether I am indeed sincere in admitting my mistakes, or whether I am just finding an excuse for the things that I am not doing or accomplishing in my life as a Christian. Many times I have resolved to revive the old flames, but the resolutions are often broken even before I begin them… and for those that did not, they often did not last long either…

Yet, as much I found myself laying my back and being too comfortable in Your grace, half - wishing that You would give me a push to get things done… I am grateful that You are as who You are today, for it is Your grace that You still remained with me today, that You are still not giving up on me, and that You are still being patient with my incompetence…

But deep inside, I know that I must do something about this…. because as reluctant and laid - back I can see I am right now, this is still not an excuse for me to continue lazing around knowing how much my Father has done for me. I can’t, because I do not want to, for this is how much I love my God - my Father, my Provider, and the Saviour of my soul.

As lazy as I am, I still must; for as the real living God requires real offerings to please Him, I must offer Him the real efforts of my heart. I have to do this for this is how much He means to me…

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” - Matthew 16:24-25

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love - John 15:10

That was some of the many verses which Mr. Lian touches in one of his messages during this year’s PKA Family Camp in Highlands Christian Centre, Tanah Rata in Cameron Highlands. The message here is very clear: to be a Christian is to give up one’s life for God, follow Christ and obey Him. But the question is, am I really doing this? Am I really putting my heart in following Him and His ways?

And sometimes I do think that it is absolutely not necessary for me to be struggling in this problem in the first place… For if I indeed loved Him with my whole, for if I have indeed committed my life to Him… I would not even be left marooning in such a situation… I would have served Him and gave up everything for Him right away and follow Him without any problems…

But this goes back to why I needed grace in the beginning right?

The story of how Peter denied Jesus three times and how he was reconciled by Jesus Himself after His resurrection came back ringing in my ear... Three denials replaced with three confessions of love, one that comes out of grace and is accepted in the same way.

Jesus died for me as well as for everyone else because He loves me and you unconditionally; and most importantly, He loves us all despite our flaws and our imperfection. Being born into flesh, He has seen the imperfection of us humans, and of the wickedness and falsehoods that we have committed, and He Himself has been hated, disappointed, persecuted and betrayed by the people He came to save. Yet, He still choose to take away all of our sins and die a shameful death on the cross for everyone - no matter how hopeless, corrupted and evil we are.

Face the truth: That the fact that He needs to come to Earth alone is the proof that all of us are unable to save ourselves - He would not need to die, or even to come for us if there are hope in the human race to be good as certain people claim to be able to become, that we are able to save our pitiful selves from sin.

For those who are still too proud to admit your own faults, and who might be insulted with my claims that you are just as no good as everyone else; from this point onwards I will only evaluate myself for your sake - for even by pointing on one man alone, me, is sufficient. For those who has read my past blog posts, you guys should already be familiar with my past faults - like how I suck in personal relationships, how I hurt certain peoples, how easy I forget things and disappoint people, and even how hard it is for me to change my ways and life (even that is so visible in my life). I just looked back at my previous posts in this blog, and I seen certain issues rising up again chapter after chapter even though I have resolved them as the end of those chapters. Things are found repeating themselves, and to a certain extent, I am found repeating some of the same mistakes over and over again.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

But again, that’s why I needed grace; and that’s why I needed Jesus Christ. Rebuke me if you want. I know who you are, and I know you wanted to. Just rebuke and insult me straight in from my face next time you see me. I’m saving you bastards your breaths so that you won’t spend them cursing me behind my back - but I am not going to budge, and you are not going to take my saviour away from me. If you want to condemn yourself that’s your business, but just because I am no different than you does not mean that you have every right to drag me away from my salvation by grace, nor you can prevent me from choosing who I want to worship - because I can see that He has came for hopeless people like you and me, and it is through Him that I believe lies the only way to salvation and freedom from sin, nowhere else.

Again… you do not want to accept Him - that’s your business. You want to hurl insults at Him - that’s your business. But I am going to follow him, no matter how wretched and crippled I have become today, and no matter how many times I fall and struggle with things I do not see I can overcome, as foolhardy my efforts have been seen by myself, to a certain extent I am still willing to stand up again and continue struggling.

Lord,

Right now I admit that I found myself wondering, to a point that I find that this is rather humorous; for Lord, do You still remember that I once promised You that I would repent from my dreaming and live a more fulfilling life? I have read my own blog post right from the very first chapter, and as I look back at my life, it can really be a comedy (hope you do not mind my sarcasm) that I can still be one heck of a dreamer till this very day. There are changes of course, but not much improvement (from the way I see it)…

Lord, are You sure I am one of those people that You have promised salvation to?

Lord, are You sure that You have set me free from the deadly bondages of sin?

Lord, are You sure that I am meant to go all the way with You for all my life?

Lord, are You very sure that You want such a lousy and sloppy person like me?

Lord, are You sure?

Thank You, Lord.

(For even before I finished asking these questions, the answer has already been given to me:

But he said to me “My grace is made sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me - 2 Corinthians 12:9)

Epilogue:

In the end I am still one heck of a dreamer and a sloth. Nothing much have changed; and I am still one lousy person who is quite stubborn to the core like a donkey.

Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love… I am aware that I have yet resolved this matter, and you all can see clearly that I myself do not have the answer either… but one thing I know: it is because that I am that hopeless that Christ came for me in the first place, and it is because God knows how shitty I am that I needed grace. =)

I just need to respond - and I am doing it at every moment, just that I need to try a little bit more.

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN @ SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER (13th December 2009)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Chapter 10: Clearing The Mists

Life can be very funny at times: at one point you will be drenched in depression and sorrow, and at another... you will be lifted back up to experience something that would bring you great joy. Life is full of surprises. Life is full of expectations. But above all, life is not to be lived alone - and I’m not just talking about friends, family or just merely the people who forms our circle or society... but God, who is always there, who provides everything which amusingly, includes all the surprises, trials and provisions which has prepared unfailingly for us in our daily courses of life.

Indeed, I praise Him for His presence, because that alone, has summed up to everything - but from one point to another, I personally have to admit that I can’t help but to be left wondering this simple repetitive but profound question: what now?

I really have to say that God has been very amusing lately - especially when I discovered that He has put someone special within the midst of my inner circle, whom I am rather close with right now, and whom though is now a distant away, is always and constantly with me in my daily life in a very special way; of course not as special as the relationship I have with my beloved Father, but it is still nevertheless special... and I am praising God everyday for her presence. =)

Until this very moment, I could still find it hard to believe that my own life have become just like Silas Marner’s; just like how the way Eppie came into Silas’ doorstep in that novel - where in that single but unexpected twist of event, great joy, happiness, and companionship follow for the many years to come in his life... But knowing God, and also at the same time because that I do not know much about God... I stopped, I wondered, and I pondered... and I paused, for I know too well that this God always gives me something His own reasons, and until I know why, I just can’t help but to think… What now?

I really do not know what lies ahead of me and her and I indeed am not in the position to even speculate, for I know better that the Lord’s ways are higher, and that He surely has other things in mind that would change the course of this friendship.

I know that some of you who are reading this might find this as something that is very hard to understand, but you have to see that from my perspective, this God whom I have accepted as the Lord of my life whom I trust and rely on is my priority, and the only thing I want to accomplish is to do what He wants me to do rather than what I want to do in this matter; for the only way of life that I want to live out is to live in obedience to Him as in what He wants out of my life rather than what I want for myself.

For those who has been reading this blog right from the beginning, I am sure that you know better that I am one who believes that God has an awesome purpose for myself in my life which I am meant to fulfil (and same to everyone else), and it is one which I truly believe is far much better than any other that I can imagine for my own. He has set me off to a wonderful adventure with Him that I have know too well that I can rely on no one but Himself for this journey, for He has declared that He alone is more than sufficient, and He indeed is more than sufficient - and anyone else who claims that he has even half of what He has is nothing but a liar.

I have seen so many things and have gone through many experiences in my adventure so far - though certainly what I have gained are mostly for sure nothing compared to the many others who are more intimate with the Lord. But as little are what I have so far, I believe that they are sufficient for me to know too well not to risk preventing God from doing His will on this friendship; because I know what God has in mind is not just the best for me, but also for her as well on the other end - and to interfere is not only an act of disobedience, but will also only result to jeopardising His perfect plan meant for the good of both of us (for I truly treasure this friendship, and I really want the best for it).

Knowing how thick the mist is before me, sometimes I just have to be honest that I do not know what to do. It is not that God does not care - He does, but sometimes, it is me who is at fault, for failing to hear, for being too distracted, and for sometimes, thinking that He has not when He has already prepared everything before me. Again, His ways are higher than mine, and most of the time higher than my own understanding; and since He is my Lord, His ways I shall obey, and only His ways I shall desire, because I already know too well that He knows what is best, and that He is faithful, He is unfailing, and He always loves.

Bottom line is: I just want to know what God really wants me to do for both of us, for I really want to make the best of the time and opportunities we have, knowing that whatever God has in mind is always the best, and also because that she is that special and dear to me, that I really want her to get the best out of whatever He has in mind for her as well.

But sometimes, I know too well that I should not linger too much in thinking upon this question - and I should just learn to surrender and commit it all into the Lord. Less of me, but more of You, my Lord. I know. =)

Lord, my Father in Heaven,

Again, over and over I praise You for bringing her into my life, and along with her, laughter, happiness, joy, and companionship. Indeed, I acknowledge and I praise You as my Provider, as Jehovah Jireh, and as El - Shaddai, as God Almighty, for her and for the time and joy we both shared together.

I humbly admit before You that there are moments of indecision and fear, for I do not know Your will regarding to us, but I know now that perhaps, what I needed to do is just to commit everything into Your hands - and the rest will be revealed afterwards. Forgive me Lord, for my faith which sometimes wavers, and for my understanding which sometimes crumbles (especially when I wanted something to be done with perfection and without fault), but I praise You, and I lift Your name, for Your grace and love is above all my imperfections; and knowing that with You by my side, I have nothing to worry, and nothing to fear, for everything will be done the way You will it to be.

Beloved Father, I pray that You will continue to be with us for the days to come. Continue to guide us, and continue to protect and bless us I pray - for Your love is unconditional, for Your grace knows no limit as it has already been given to all whom You loved so dear; and also because that I know that to have You with us is also for the best of her which is what I too really wanted, knowing that You love and care for her as much as I do (though I know too well that mine can never match Yours, but even so… I know that it still matters).

Again, I really do not have the slightest idea on what is going to happen next… but Father, I will commit it all to You, and I will trust You, and I will walk by faith - because that is all I needed. As for her, I will just see what You bring next… for that is not for me to question, but certainly I will treasure her and I will care for her as much as I am able and as much as You allow it - for she is that precious to me, and that she deserves it; and I know that You feels the same way as well and that this is also what You wanted me to do. =)

And like every time, Father… Bless her, guide her, and protect her… and continue to love her as You always do just like everyday in every single moment she is alive on this earth.
Again, and again, I thank You for her presence in my life, and I thank You for Your love, grace, mercy, and everything else that You have made in sufficiency and in abundance. Thank You for everything.

In Jesus’ name I pray and give my praise. Amen.

(Looks like the mist is clearing off even before I even realized it…)


L’Chaim.



The wind passes by~




Seymour Nightweaver (16th November 2009)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Another Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 2)

Night

The wind is calling me again today… and this time, to lure me out to bathe myself under the shining full moon.

I wonder what you have in mind tonight.

Of course, Eraser heard the calls as well… but as usual, she keeps herself silent - a friend with very few words, knowing me so well that I would end up figuring out or doing what she wants to tell me to.

She only has to follow me silently from behind as soon as I made up my mind to leave my room and step into the illuminated darkness outside the building.

Night

My name was called again, but it was a different voice.

Different… but very familiar - and it is already too late for me to turn away by the time I realise who it was.

From the shadows, a figure appeared before my eyes. I knew well that it is no more than an illusion, but it seems so real, from her hair to her feet, and also from the way she breathes and smiles knowing that I am before her.

But the lips which previously revealed a smile a few second ago slowly arch downwards as she stare deeply into my eyes with piercing sorrow.

Whatever that has happened in the past and has been forgotten can never be brought back to life again - at least when it is concerning the love which both of us once had together. She should know better than me that it has died ages past, and there is no meaning to hold onto this lifeless carcass of a love any longer with the hope that it would come into life again… But still, she would not choose to listen.

Knowing what is going on, I raised my left arm and pointed the edge of my black katar towards the direction of her face. My eyes pierce the darkness as I lock mine into hers, and my voice was low and cold as I make my demand:

What do you want from me?

But there was no reply from the forlorn image of the person who was once my lover. The relationship ended pathetically, with both of us hurt from the separation - but the only regret I had is only that I should have severed our ties earlier and not to be persuaded by her. There is no love in between us apart from what that is only one - sided, and it is already too late for her to seek for the love which has long withered within me. She has rejected me a little too long, and when she has decided to change her mind and came back for me… She found it hard to realize that she was already too late.

Back in the younger days when I yearn and hunger greatly for passionate love, I was denied of one by herself to a point where I almost lost everything including my own soul in the turmoils and the turbulence of my heart… but now, even though I am still yearning and waiting and ever searching for the one I would eventually decide that I would share the rest of my life with her, I have know too well to reject her. I could accept almost any other person who comes before me, but not her, not the person who she is right now.

In the past, I would have found myself easily misguided by my own desire to be loved and desired by another, and I would have fallen into her trap with no difficulty at all… but now, I knew better that there is more than just the mere desire of having someone whom I can call my lover. The character and personality that once attracted me no longer have any more charm, and I know too well now that she would only be a binding chain to my wings and a burden rather than a companion whom I can always have by my side. She does not see the world the way I see it, and I know too that there are many things about me which she despises, especially on things which make me who I really am.

From a poor na├»ve soul who would submit to anything just to be desired, I have outgrown my old cocoon into the person who I am today. Instead of being just confining myself to the earth, I have long learned how to run with the wind and learned how to spread my wings wide as I explore the endless skies… I have tasted freedom during the period of her abandonment, and I now know too well to refuse going back being confined or to be bound by anyone any longer - for I deserve to have my own individuality. From the moment I realize I am free, I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. I decide my own preferences; and if there is anyone whom I will submit and obey, there is only one dear friend whom I will gladly do so. I am not going to turn back.

How hard is it for her to understand that the person whom she once knew is already long dead?

Indeed, there are many things as well which I have done which hurt her in return; not to mention those mistakes which I have indeed regretted doing which I know would have scarred her… But still, the damage has been done - and with the relationship broken, I have to bear the consequences for my actions… but I can never give her what she wanted from me.

As much as I do not like doing this for I am forced to reject her not because of what she has done, but for who she is… I also on the other hand am feeling revolted by her actions - ceaselessly trying to win by back through pleading, cajoling, manipulating and the likes. I fell for her snare once, and she got me back for a short moment, but I knew too well that it is already impossible…

One - sided love yesterday; and still one - sided love today. The only difference is just that we have switch sides. Again, I can’t help but feeling remorseful, regretful and somewhat sorry that she has to go through this together with me, but sadly… my heart is no longer hers to keep.

I know well that this is cruel and that, I do not have any other choice; but no matter how hurtful this will be to her, Eraser will now stand between her and me if she ever dares to come close - especially if she tries to force or pressure me into accepting her again which she has done several times past.

Aware that none of us has anything to say to each other any longer, the illusion fades away and dissipates into nothing. The song which previously filled the air with a soft melancholic tune has also vanished with the singers as I felt Eraser’s hand resting upon my shoulder, meant to provide emotional support.

Both of us were silent for a moment, knowing how useless words will be in situations like this - but the wind still keep blowing, constantly whispering…

I heard you, my friend. You have been left waiting for too long - but I am sure that your wait has been one which you have prepared well for, assuming that you have already foreseen this to happen. Now, for the time we both have been waiting for…

I look back at Eraser’s beautiful but mysterious dark eyes which are almost camouflaged by the darkness if not for the vague illumination of the full moon, only to realize that she is staring back at me. Her black wings, slightly reflecting the gleam of the silver rays, seemed enthusiastic to take off at any moment. She did not really smile, but she will do soon enough, knowing too well that deep inside, she has been waiting all this while for this very moment.

Shall we dance, Eraser?

(A rhetorical question asked out of courtesy which both of us will not mind asking and being asked for)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Chapter 9: Love and Pain / A New Chapter

To love is to prepare oneself to feel both hurt and sorrow. Especially for a pathetic being like me, this rings true every time I choose to offer myself to share the burdens of another.

I will never deny that people will occasionally present you with a pile of shit, but I have to admit that I still cannot stand those moments when I cared for another person so much only to be presented with a pile of shit from them.

This is totally shit, the biggest shit of all times.

Shit with all the manners and courtesy for the moment! Tell me, how long will you want me to wait until you can finally understand that I am sincerely caring for you as your friend and brother!? Can’t you see that I am concerned and saddened by your troubled look? Can’t you see that I am willing to hear you out? Do not treat me like an outsider. I know that I myself do not worth much nor I am able to give much. I know. I’m not stupid… But I STILL CARE!

Is my love and care a degree lower than anybody else’s? Is my presence and existence that insignificant that I am really not that needed? All this is not true of course, I know well that both you and me does not and will not condone to these fallacies, but this is what you are making me feeling right now - and I cannot tolerate such degrading of myself.

I speak, but I am not heard. I do, but I am not noticed. I come, but my presence is not felt. I am the wind that blows in the night. I come, I go; but none will know of it - except the One who knew me, who made me.

Sigh.

**********************************************************************************

Hmm… it has been exactly 46 days since I typed that out.

I could still remember how much I cried when I typed out the first part. How much my heart wrenched just by typing those words. How depressed I was, how pathetic I felt I was at that moment…

But right now, as I found myself ending up looking through again this almost - forgotten text which tells of this part of my life (thank You so much, Father for bringing me back here again)… I find it rather funny that I had gone through those painful moments before. I am aware that I’m still going through moments of temporary loneliness from time to time… but as far as I could remember, that was the last and final time when I am struck with such pain in my relationships.

So much has changed since then, to a point that even I myself is finding it hard to believe that I have undergone so much transformation.

What’s more - the change does not just happen inwardly, but God has also brought in new changes and challenges in my outside world as well; especially now that I am a senior, and that I am now constantly surrounded by so many lovely and potential juniors. =)

At first, not all of them were really involved within my daily circle… only some, especially those who are my direct juniors in ELLS - PKA, but eventually I get to know them more about themselves one by one, and I was not surprised to find a few of them earning their place within my inner circle even though we only know each other for only a short period of time.

Of course, no one told me that whatever I am doing now is easy - with all the getting to know the juniors and their needs and stuff, and thank God, for He pulled me through… knowing also that He was the One who placed me here in this situation in the first place.

And to see how much I have changed as I adapt myself with my new role as a senior and a brother to some (brother as in “elder” brother, not the “younger” one)… It surprises me as well with what God can do in just a short period of time.



Good. Now it’s just You and me. No more SMS alerts, no more conversations with my other friends… Again, just You and me. It has been so long since I last expressed my feelings to You here.



I have to admit that I am really not the model Christian that anyone would like to follow, and I have to admit too that I have grieved my Lord for not too few many times already in my life…

But yet, I am still alive. I am not struck dead, and if indeed I am supposed to die for what I have done… I assumed that He would have done it a long time ago. Most people would have thought that if God is indeed gracious in forgiving my sins, He would have showed me a sign or a miracle, to really prove that He has done so. I admitted that I have thought of the same thing too for a certain period of time - but when I truly realize what it means to be embraced by God’s loving grace: To know how small and insignificant I really am in reality, and how disposable I really am in the situation I am in right now if He really wants to get rid of me for every time He is grieved and sometimes angered by my own ineptitude… but He still treasures me, and He is still giving me chances upon chances each passing day; continuing to use me for His purpose and glory.

There are so many things which I can think of that He can use against me. I was once addicted of pornography. I am not really a virgin either - I have somehow lost it along the way. There’s even a period of time in my life when thoughts of hatred and of killing off those people whom I do not want to have around my life prevailed. I am one whose life is controlled by anger during my younger days, and if the law would permit, I would have been happily killing off a few idiots alive and rip their carcasses with their innards apart back then for all the bloody hurt they have inflicted on me.

I once believed that I was a boy with a monster residing deep within the caverns of his heart - so much for Naruto (just a small joke to lighten things up); and I still have included those many small but stupid things that I still did even though I knew that He would hate me doing them all, out of my own stupidity.

Yet, He is still here, and He still chose me.

I really do not know what God has installed for me for the days to come, but from the way things are positioned right now, I have been given the responsibility to be a senior, friend and brother to my juniors (a “mentor” to Cain and an indirect one to Yee Kwan), and also to my seniors and batch mates whenever needed. Another new chapter has been opened in my life before I could even realize what has happened, and with it comes great healing and a grand metamorphosis.

No one knows into what I will become after this, or how much I would change in the next unknown period of time…But one thing for sure: I have chosen to trust everything into God’s loving hands and grace. I have seen so much, I have gone through so much… and He too, on the other side has done so much for me that I know well enough that there no one else better than Himself regarding to this case - in fact, He is not just merely better, but is the ONLY ONE person I can go to.

Not to mention that He has also given me a new possible beginning for my heart to yearn for another. ;)

For this new chapter of life:-

L’Chaim.


The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (13th October 2009)

Friday, September 25, 2009

A Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 1)

I am Night.

I have never recalled setting my foot along this narrow corridor before in my life, yet when I looked around me: at the old arches and the cobwebs that reside there, at the strange cracks which can be hard to see in poor lighting along the two dark walls facing each other in an eternal stare, and even at the old mysterious lamps which left me wondering for a while how, who and what have kept all these lamps lit at all times…

There was a feeling of mystery and strangeness in the air, and my mind was racing with anxiety and nervousness - afraid of what would be lying in wait for me at the end of this corridor. But somehow I still picked up the courage to move on and making sure that I am not left behind by Eraser. It was not just because that I was aware of the strange feeling of familiarity that came along with all these other emotions within me; but also knowing that I can always trust her in situations like this - and also because that this is the path that I am meant to take and finish.

Eraser knew what is lingering in my mind but I knew well that she has chosen to keep herself quiet; allowing me to discover the answer for our coming here later, which she knows in return that I would be able to.

I would expect the answer to be rather revolutionary, but never surprising - for I have already expected it to appear to me in such form, in a way when the past seems to repeat itself in the present.

Knowing that Eraser will never stop to wait for me whenever I stop to ponder, I have to keep on moving so that I will not be left behind. Her steps were not fast, thus providing my eyes the needed time to explore the gloomy surroundings, but they were not slow enough either for me to stop pondering for a long time. I need to get moving or it would take me forever to reach the end of this seemingly unending pathway.

Eventually we came to a point where I could see light at the end of the corridor. The corridor ends at a small chamber, and across the room is a pair of huge double metal doors which have been waiting to be opened.

The chamber was a spectacular sight; with lamps resembling glowing crystals illuminate the whole area and the four greyish walls. Judging from the decorations and the furniture around me (with a rather large cross visibly hung on one of the walls), it seemed to me that this place was once a small chapel - worn out assumedly of lack of use and maintenance.

“This pair of double doors, when entered, will lead you to the place where you desired to be at the most.”

Indeed?

Her nod was the confirmation that what she has spoken are the truth.

“But… There is still something you need to do before you will be able to open the double doors.”

Indeed as she finished speaking, I heard and felt strange powerful gusts of wind suddenly rushing from behind - from the corridor into the chamber. The whole chamber slightly roared for a moment with a strange but echoing voice, and both of us covered our eyes as the dust which once filled the place was blown all over by the wind. But as fast as it started, everything came into an abrupt stop, and right in front of where both of us stood, formed a spirit - like entity which slowly manifests itself into a man wearing medieval armour plates armed with a huge two - handed claymore.

“Thou shalt not pass tis door.”

She was no longer by my side, only to give me a reason more why I should not falter nor fear him. A pair of deadly black bladed katar now readily fasted on my arms, longing to lock blades with my adversary’s.

There is only one person I know whom I can never beat, and because he is not that person whom I mentioned, this is going to be a match I can never lose - and he was indeed far from being my match.

He was strong, but his blade never touched me. He did not even attack, and was only fending off each of my swift attacks until his blade shattered from the continuous impacts of the dancing shadowy fangs. Rejoicing song of triumph filled the air as the edges fixed themselves just a hair away from his throat, but both hesitated to draw blood and were slowly lowered.

I have won; and besides, I should have known better than to kill a person whom I can never kill. I could not tell who it was at first. He was a familiar stranger to me, and it was only through fighting him when I learn who he really was.

Moreover, it is no fun beating up a friend who would purposely lose to you every time you fought with him - and it is never worth the life of a friend so dear to see what lies ahead of those double doors.

“I assumed that you have found the exercise worthwhile.”

I have to agree with Eraser who has returned to accompany me back to where we came from; and as I turned back after both of us left the entrance of that gloomy corridor, the entrance vanished.

But I swore that I heard the creaking sound of doors opening echoing in the wind, but since I can never go back there - there is no point pondering about that.

Maybe I was not meant to go through those doors after all… Or is it that by turning back, I have done so…?

She only kept quiet as she led me back to where we both started, and vanished.