Chapter 10: Clearing The Mists

Life can be very funny at times: at one point you will be drenched in depression and sorrow, and at another... you will be lifted back up to experience something that would bring you great joy. Life is full of surprises. Life is full of expectations. But above all, life is not to be lived alone - and I’m not just talking about friends, family or just merely the people who forms our circle or society... but God, who is always there, who provides everything which amusingly, includes all the surprises, trials and provisions which has prepared unfailingly for us in our daily courses of life.

Indeed, I praise Him for His presence, because that alone, has summed up to everything - but from one point to another, I personally have to admit that I can’t help but to be left wondering this simple repetitive but profound question: what now?

I really have to say that God has been very amusing lately - especially when I discovered that He has put someone special within the midst of my inner circle, whom I am rather close with right now, and whom though is now a distant away, is always and constantly with me in my daily life in a very special way; of course not as special as the relationship I have with my beloved Father, but it is still nevertheless special... and I am praising God everyday for her presence. =)

Until this very moment, I could still find it hard to believe that my own life have become just like Silas Marner’s; just like how the way Eppie came into Silas’ doorstep in that novel - where in that single but unexpected twist of event, great joy, happiness, and companionship follow for the many years to come in his life... But knowing God, and also at the same time because that I do not know much about God... I stopped, I wondered, and I pondered... and I paused, for I know too well that this God always gives me something His own reasons, and until I know why, I just can’t help but to think… What now?

I really do not know what lies ahead of me and her and I indeed am not in the position to even speculate, for I know better that the Lord’s ways are higher, and that He surely has other things in mind that would change the course of this friendship.

I know that some of you who are reading this might find this as something that is very hard to understand, but you have to see that from my perspective, this God whom I have accepted as the Lord of my life whom I trust and rely on is my priority, and the only thing I want to accomplish is to do what He wants me to do rather than what I want to do in this matter; for the only way of life that I want to live out is to live in obedience to Him as in what He wants out of my life rather than what I want for myself.

For those who has been reading this blog right from the beginning, I am sure that you know better that I am one who believes that God has an awesome purpose for myself in my life which I am meant to fulfil (and same to everyone else), and it is one which I truly believe is far much better than any other that I can imagine for my own. He has set me off to a wonderful adventure with Him that I have know too well that I can rely on no one but Himself for this journey, for He has declared that He alone is more than sufficient, and He indeed is more than sufficient - and anyone else who claims that he has even half of what He has is nothing but a liar.

I have seen so many things and have gone through many experiences in my adventure so far - though certainly what I have gained are mostly for sure nothing compared to the many others who are more intimate with the Lord. But as little are what I have so far, I believe that they are sufficient for me to know too well not to risk preventing God from doing His will on this friendship; because I know what God has in mind is not just the best for me, but also for her as well on the other end - and to interfere is not only an act of disobedience, but will also only result to jeopardising His perfect plan meant for the good of both of us (for I truly treasure this friendship, and I really want the best for it).

Knowing how thick the mist is before me, sometimes I just have to be honest that I do not know what to do. It is not that God does not care - He does, but sometimes, it is me who is at fault, for failing to hear, for being too distracted, and for sometimes, thinking that He has not when He has already prepared everything before me. Again, His ways are higher than mine, and most of the time higher than my own understanding; and since He is my Lord, His ways I shall obey, and only His ways I shall desire, because I already know too well that He knows what is best, and that He is faithful, He is unfailing, and He always loves.

Bottom line is: I just want to know what God really wants me to do for both of us, for I really want to make the best of the time and opportunities we have, knowing that whatever God has in mind is always the best, and also because that she is that special and dear to me, that I really want her to get the best out of whatever He has in mind for her as well.

But sometimes, I know too well that I should not linger too much in thinking upon this question - and I should just learn to surrender and commit it all into the Lord. Less of me, but more of You, my Lord. I know. =)

Lord, my Father in Heaven,

Again, over and over I praise You for bringing her into my life, and along with her, laughter, happiness, joy, and companionship. Indeed, I acknowledge and I praise You as my Provider, as Jehovah Jireh, and as El - Shaddai, as God Almighty, for her and for the time and joy we both shared together.

I humbly admit before You that there are moments of indecision and fear, for I do not know Your will regarding to us, but I know now that perhaps, what I needed to do is just to commit everything into Your hands - and the rest will be revealed afterwards. Forgive me Lord, for my faith which sometimes wavers, and for my understanding which sometimes crumbles (especially when I wanted something to be done with perfection and without fault), but I praise You, and I lift Your name, for Your grace and love is above all my imperfections; and knowing that with You by my side, I have nothing to worry, and nothing to fear, for everything will be done the way You will it to be.

Beloved Father, I pray that You will continue to be with us for the days to come. Continue to guide us, and continue to protect and bless us I pray - for Your love is unconditional, for Your grace knows no limit as it has already been given to all whom You loved so dear; and also because that I know that to have You with us is also for the best of her which is what I too really wanted, knowing that You love and care for her as much as I do (though I know too well that mine can never match Yours, but even so… I know that it still matters).

Again, I really do not have the slightest idea on what is going to happen next… but Father, I will commit it all to You, and I will trust You, and I will walk by faith - because that is all I needed. As for her, I will just see what You bring next… for that is not for me to question, but certainly I will treasure her and I will care for her as much as I am able and as much as You allow it - for she is that precious to me, and that she deserves it; and I know that You feels the same way as well and that this is also what You wanted me to do. =)

And like every time, Father… Bless her, guide her, and protect her… and continue to love her as You always do just like everyday in every single moment she is alive on this earth.
Again, and again, I thank You for her presence in my life, and I thank You for Your love, grace, mercy, and everything else that You have made in sufficiency and in abundance. Thank You for everything.

In Jesus’ name I pray and give my praise. Amen.

(Looks like the mist is clearing off even before I even realized it…)


L’Chaim.


The wind passes by~



Seymour Nightweaver (16th November 2009)

Another Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 2)

Night…

The wind is calling me again today… and this time, to lure me out to bathe myself under the shining full moon.

I wonder what you have in mind tonight.

Of course, Eraser heard the calls as well… but as usual, she keeps herself silent - a friend with very few words, knowing me so well that I would end up figuring out or doing what she wants to tell me to.

She only has to follow me silently from behind as soon as I made up my mind to leave my room and step into the illuminated darkness outside the building.

Night…

My name was called again, but it was a different voice.

Different… but very familiar - and it is already too late for me to turn away by the time I realise who it was.

From the shadows, a figure appeared before my eyes. I knew well that it is no more than an illusion, but it seems so real, from her hair to her feet, and also from the way she breathes and smiles knowing that I am before her.

But the lips which previously revealed a smile a few second ago slowly arch downwards as she stare deeply into my eyes with piercing sorrow.

Whatever that has happened in the past and has been forgotten can never be brought back to life again - at least when it is concerning the love which both of us once had together. She should know better than me that it has died ages past, and there is no meaning to hold onto this lifeless carcass of a love any longer with the hope that it would come into life again… But still, she would not choose to listen.

Knowing what is going on, I raised my left arm and pointed the edge of my black katar towards the direction of her face. My eyes pierce the darkness as I lock mine into hers, and my voice was low and cold as I make my demand:

What do you want from me?

But there was no reply from the forlorn image of the person who was once my lover. The relationship ended pathetically, with both of us hurt from the separation - but the only regret I had is only that I should have severed our ties earlier and not to be persuaded by her. There is no love in between us apart from what that is only one - sided, and it is already too late for her to seek for the love which has long withered within me. She has rejected me a little too long, and when she has decided to change her mind and came back for me… She found it hard to realize that she was already too late.

Back in the younger days when I yearn and hunger greatly for passionate love, I was denied of one by herself to a point where I almost lost everything including my own soul in the turmoils and the turbulence of my heart… but now, even though I am still yearning and waiting and ever searching for the one I would eventually decide that I would share the rest of my life with her, I have know too well to reject her. I could accept almost any other person who comes before me, but not her, not the person who she is right now.

In the past, I would have found myself easily misguided by my own desire to be loved and desired by another, and I would have fallen into her trap with no difficulty at all… but now, I knew better that there is more than just the mere desire of having someone whom I can call my lover. The character and personality that once attracted me no longer have any more charm, and I know too well now that she would only be a binding chain to my wings and a burden rather than a companion whom I can always have by my side. She does not see the world the way I see it, and I know too that there are many things about me which she despises, especially on things which make me who I really am.

From a poor naïve soul who would submit to anything just to be desired, I have outgrown my old cocoon into the person who I am today. Instead of being just confining myself to the earth, I have long learned how to run with the wind and learned how to spread my wings wide as I explore the endless skies… I have tasted freedom during the period of her abandonment, and I now know too well to refuse going back being confined or to be bound by anyone any longer - for I deserve to have my own individuality. From the moment I realize I am free, I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. I decide my own preferences; and if there is anyone whom I will submit and obey, there is only one dear friend whom I will gladly do so. I am not going to turn back.

How hard is it for her to understand that the person whom she once knew is already long dead?

Indeed, there are many things as well which I have done which hurt her in return; not to mention those mistakes which I have indeed regretted doing which I know would have scarred her… But still, the damage has been done - and with the relationship broken, I have to bear the consequences for my actions… but I can never give her what she wanted from me.

As much as I do not like doing this for I am forced to reject her not because of what she has done, but for who she is… I also on the other hand am feeling revolted by her actions - ceaselessly trying to win by back through pleading, cajoling, manipulating and the likes. I fell for her snare once, and she got me back for a short moment, but I knew too well that it is already impossible…

One - sided love yesterday; and still one - sided love today. The only difference is just that we have switch sides. Again, I can’t help but feeling remorseful, regretful and somewhat sorry that she has to go through this together with me, but sadly… my heart is no longer hers to keep.

I know well that this is cruel and that, I do not have any other choice; but no matter how hurtful this will be to her, Eraser will now stand between her and me if she ever dares to come close - especially if she tries to force or pressure me into accepting her again which she has done several times past.

Aware that none of us has anything to say to each other any longer, the illusion fades away and dissipates into nothing. The song which previously filled the air with a soft melancholic tune has also vanished with the singers as I felt Eraser’s hand resting upon my shoulder, meant to provide emotional support.

Both of us were silent for a moment, knowing how useless words will be in situations like this - but the wind still keep blowing, constantly whispering…

I heard you, my friend. You have been left waiting for too long - but I am sure that your wait has been one which you have prepared well for, assuming that you have already foreseen this to happen. Now, for the time we both have been waiting for…

I look back at Eraser’s beautiful but mysterious dark eyes which are almost camouflaged by the darkness if not for the vague illumination of the full moon, only to realize that she is staring back at me. Her black wings, slightly reflecting the gleam of the silver rays, seemed enthusiastic to take off at any moment. She did not really smile, but she will do soon enough, knowing too well that deep inside, she has been waiting all this while for this very moment.

Shall we dance, Eraser?

(A rhetorical question asked out of courtesy which both of us will not mind asking and being asked for)