I know what’s wrong with me, God, but somehow I am always stuck with the feeling that I actually know nothing of the problems which I am facing right now -and now seems to be the perfect time for me to admit that I am actually a very disobedient and rebellious person before you, Father.
Again, I am pathetic.
But to be honest, I am really feeling like I am being dragged on the road which I am on right now. Everything seemed so fast, and often I found myself not being able to cope with everything around me. The burdens I carry on my back is already exhausting me enough - but I have to admit that I myself is also actually not free of blame as I myself have failed to make good use of my own resting period… I should have known too well by now of all the distractions which I am surrounded with, but why did I still allowed myself to be ensnared again?
I am really too tired of my daily life already. Camp Cameron has almost made me forget how sickening I once felt of my daily routine and it further sickens me to realize that this is what I am confined with. I am always feeling constricted in every way, whether it is financially, socially or even spiritually in my everyday life. Life is simply too demanding with all the required classes, assignments and tasks - and no one cares a damn on whatever problems you may have in our life. Again, everyone just expects for results and nothing else. Life as a reject alone is already too depressing for me at times. I have done enough grieving over my current lonesome state, and these are the times when I feel constricted and being pulled along the road that I really have to tell you, God, that I am really sick of my life right now.
Seriously, I have never thought that I have done anything right ever since I returned to campus. I am always carrying unbearable burdens which I am forced to drag around and everyone is always adding more and more luggage with each new day. Everything’s in a mess right now, and I’m also feeling financially tight at the moment considering that I have just spent Rm100 ringgit within two days… Life is really constricting me. I just do not know what to do…
And as usual, everyone else has better friends to hang out with as usual - and I’m feeling left out again. I know that there is no one to blame or to be angry with, but I am even more upset knowing this, because I know that I am not supposed to feel so when I actually wanted to because again, I clearly know that there is no one at fault. My emotions are suppressed by my own rationale, and I find this really suffocating.
I am back, with only God as my listening ears… Who saw everything that happened, who is the only one there for me in an hour like this. When everyone turned away from me, only you remained. He knows better that I have always longed for human companions but I will always end up with Him almost every time.
I know well that to have God would be far much better than anybody else, but again, to have this desire is to indicate that I am still human. Often, I would just shake off the feeling of loneliness and turn my attention to God, but sometimes, I just could not bear it anymore.
I am sure that God knows me well enough to say that I am one of those sons of His who is feeble and weak, and always beaten down in life. As much as I try to recover and find ways to cheer myself up, there will always be a point where I will hit my limit, when I cannot keep up with the pace any longer. I cannot choose to ignore that dark swirling void in me like it has never existed.
But because of this, I have the reason to turn to Him in times like this - and He has always been the one who pulled me through of all my mess.
I do not know why, I am really feeling sapped at this moment. Looks like I better stop for now. Rest and a short reflection seemed to be the best option for me for now.
*****
I have rested, and I am back again on this pleasant morning. I am much refreshed physically, but the strain on my spiritual side is still present, and my head is all jumbled up.
What am I actually missing? What have I left out to be in such a state of unrest mind?
My focus is all over, and my thinking seemed to be scattered and disillusioned. I am losing the purpose of my living, and the purpose why am I here right now in campus - perhaps that is what the problem is.
Looks like I have slipped from my original path already. I have taken a detour by mistake, and no wonder I am taking the toll for the extra distance.
Again, this is a blog written by a normal Christian with normal everyday problems. My Lord certainly have redeemed me, I have been set free from all my bondages and I truly believe that eternal life awaits me; but flesh-wise, I am the same as anyone else.
I have been made perfect before God, but my flesh still remained with its original limitations. The flesh and the spirit is always in a conflict and truly I find it a dilemma for me as I struggle to obey my spirit rather than my own flesh. There will be times when I disobey and rebel, for I am no different than anyone else in flesh. It is the relationship I have with dearest God that makes me different, as well as the response I try to give in respond to His agape love.
To be a Christian does not make us “super” humans with superpowers, though it may allow God to work His awesome powers through us for us and the people around us. Christians are still normal people with their own problems and struggles, but the only thing that make the difference is that at the end of the day, they always have a God they can turn to - and living God who they can always seek and come as who they really are, and who will always accept them out of His awesome Grace; a God who is also their friend and Father.
To be a Christian is to accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings, to admit that you are never perfect, and that you are not able to save yourself from the sins that you have committed.
Often I found myself lost in the strong currents of my life, and certainly this is not the first time I am feeling so suffocating in the journey of my life (and this will certainly never be the last) - but I will always turn to Him at the end of the day, and when I do and when I am done, my seeking will always end with songs of praise. Even when I do not get any answers from my seeking, I will still sing in joy anyway - because I know that whether He answers or not, He is God, and He is living and of course, He hears everything. I have felt His presence many times over to be convinced of this, and though I may not be able to hear God’s voice as audible as the prophets, to be able to feel His presence in my life alone and to know that I am on the right path which He has given me are usually sufficient enough to keep me going.
Again, Christianity is never a religion, but it is a relationship.
I do not know whether you all have understood what I have posted here… I do not care either, since this is between me and God, and also because I have found what I wanted - to be reminded of what God means to me, and to recommit myself to Him after being left astray for so long in the coming days. Guess He really wakes me up two hours earlier then usual for good reasons. It is time for me to seek His presence.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim. =)
WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER)
6th July 2009
No comments:
Post a Comment