Night…
The wind is calling me again today… and this time, to lure me out to bathe myself under the shining full moon.
I wonder what you have in mind tonight.
Of course, Eraser heard the calls as well… but as usual, she keeps herself silent - a friend with very few words, knowing me so well that I would end up figuring out or doing what she wants to tell me to.
She only has to follow me silently from behind as soon as I made up my mind to leave my room and step into the illuminated darkness outside the building.
Night…
My name was called again, but it was a different voice.
Different… but very familiar - and it is already too late for me to turn away by the time I realise who it was.
From the shadows, a figure appeared before my eyes. I knew well that it is no more than an illusion, but it seems so real, from her hair to her feet, and also from the way she breathes and smiles knowing that I am before her.
But the lips which previously revealed a smile a few second ago slowly arch downwards as she stare deeply into my eyes with piercing sorrow.
Whatever that has happened in the past and has been forgotten can never be brought back to life again - at least when it is concerning the love which both of us once had together. She should know better than me that it has died ages past, and there is no meaning to hold onto this lifeless carcass of a love any longer with the hope that it would come into life again… But still, she would not choose to listen.
Knowing what is going on, I raised my left arm and pointed the edge of my black katar towards the direction of her face. My eyes pierce the darkness as I lock mine into hers, and my voice was low and cold as I make my demand:
What do you want from me?
But there was no reply from the forlorn image of the person who was once my lover. The relationship ended pathetically, with both of us hurt from the separation - but the only regret I had is only that I should have severed our ties earlier and not to be persuaded by her. There is no love in between us apart from what that is only one - sided, and it is already too late for her to seek for the love which has long withered within me. She has rejected me a little too long, and when she has decided to change her mind and came back for me… She found it hard to realize that she was already too late.
Back in the younger days when I yearn and hunger greatly for passionate love, I was denied of one by herself to a point where I almost lost everything including my own soul in the turmoils and the turbulence of my heart… but now, even though I am still yearning and waiting and ever searching for the one I would eventually decide that I would share the rest of my life with her, I have know too well to reject her. I could accept almost any other person who comes before me, but not her, not the person who she is right now.
In the past, I would have found myself easily misguided by my own desire to be loved and desired by another, and I would have fallen into her trap with no difficulty at all… but now, I knew better that there is more than just the mere desire of having someone whom I can call my lover. The character and personality that once attracted me no longer have any more charm, and I know too well now that she would only be a binding chain to my wings and a burden rather than a companion whom I can always have by my side. She does not see the world the way I see it, and I know too that there are many things about me which she despises, especially on things which make me who I really am.
From a poor naïve soul who would submit to anything just to be desired, I have outgrown my old cocoon into the person who I am today. Instead of being just confining myself to the earth, I have long learned how to run with the wind and learned how to spread my wings wide as I explore the endless skies… I have tasted freedom during the period of her abandonment, and I now know too well to refuse going back being confined or to be bound by anyone any longer - for I deserve to have my own individuality. From the moment I realize I am free, I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. I decide my own preferences; and if there is anyone whom I will submit and obey, there is only one dear friend whom I will gladly do so. I am not going to turn back.
How hard is it for her to understand that the person whom she once knew is already long dead?
Indeed, there are many things as well which I have done which hurt her in return; not to mention those mistakes which I have indeed regretted doing which I know would have scarred her… But still, the damage has been done - and with the relationship broken, I have to bear the consequences for my actions… but I can never give her what she wanted from me.
As much as I do not like doing this for I am forced to reject her not because of what she has done, but for who she is… I also on the other hand am feeling revolted by her actions - ceaselessly trying to win by back through pleading, cajoling, manipulating and the likes. I fell for her snare once, and she got me back for a short moment, but I knew too well that it is already impossible…
One - sided love yesterday; and still one - sided love today. The only difference is just that we have switch sides. Again, I can’t help but feeling remorseful, regretful and somewhat sorry that she has to go through this together with me, but sadly… my heart is no longer hers to keep.
I know well that this is cruel and that, I do not have any other choice; but no matter how hurtful this will be to her, Eraser will now stand between her and me if she ever dares to come close - especially if she tries to force or pressure me into accepting her again which she has done several times past.
Aware that none of us has anything to say to each other any longer, the illusion fades away and dissipates into nothing. The song which previously filled the air with a soft melancholic tune has also vanished with the singers as I felt Eraser’s hand resting upon my shoulder, meant to provide emotional support.
Both of us were silent for a moment, knowing how useless words will be in situations like this - but the wind still keep blowing, constantly whispering…
I heard you, my friend. You have been left waiting for too long - but I am sure that your wait has been one which you have prepared well for, assuming that you have already foreseen this to happen. Now, for the time we both have been waiting for…
I look back at Eraser’s beautiful but mysterious dark eyes which are almost camouflaged by the darkness if not for the vague illumination of the full moon, only to realize that she is staring back at me. Her black wings, slightly reflecting the gleam of the silver rays, seemed enthusiastic to take off at any moment. She did not really smile, but she will do soon enough, knowing too well that deep inside, she has been waiting all this while for this very moment.
Shall we dance, Eraser?
(A rhetorical question asked out of courtesy which both of us will not mind asking and being asked for)
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