Life can be very funny at times: at one point you will be drenched in depression and sorrow, and at another... you will be lifted back up to experience something that would bring you great joy. Life is full of surprises. Life is full of expectations. But above all, life is not to be lived alone - and I’m not just talking about friends, family or just merely the people who forms our circle or society... but God, who is always there, who provides everything which amusingly, includes all the surprises, trials and provisions which has prepared unfailingly for us in our daily courses of life.
Indeed, I praise Him for His presence, because that alone, has summed up to everything - but from one point to another, I personally have to admit that I can’t help but to be left wondering this simple repetitive but profound question: what now?
I really have to say that God has been very amusing lately - especially when I discovered that He has put someone special within the midst of my inner circle, whom I am rather close with right now, and whom though is now a distant away, is always and constantly with me in my daily life in a very special way; of course not as special as the relationship I have with my beloved Father, but it is still nevertheless special... and I am praising God everyday for her presence. =)
Until this very moment, I could still find it hard to believe that my own life have become just like Silas Marner’s; just like how the way Eppie came into Silas’ doorstep in that novel - where in that single but unexpected twist of event, great joy, happiness, and companionship follow for the many years to come in his life... But knowing God, and also at the same time because that I do not know much about God... I stopped, I wondered, and I pondered... and I paused, for I know too well that this God always gives me something His own reasons, and until I know why, I just can’t help but to think… What now?
I really do not know what lies ahead of me and her and I indeed am not in the position to even speculate, for I know better that the Lord’s ways are higher, and that He surely has other things in mind that would change the course of this friendship.
I know that some of you who are reading this might find this as something that is very hard to understand, but you have to see that from my perspective, this God whom I have accepted as the Lord of my life whom I trust and rely on is my priority, and the only thing I want to accomplish is to do what He wants me to do rather than what I want to do in this matter; for the only way of life that I want to live out is to live in obedience to Him as in what He wants out of my life rather than what I want for myself.
For those who has been reading this blog right from the beginning, I am sure that you know better that I am one who believes that God has an awesome purpose for myself in my life which I am meant to fulfil (and same to everyone else), and it is one which I truly believe is far much better than any other that I can imagine for my own. He has set me off to a wonderful adventure with Him that I have know too well that I can rely on no one but Himself for this journey, for He has declared that He alone is more than sufficient, and He indeed is more than sufficient - and anyone else who claims that he has even half of what He has is nothing but a liar.
I have seen so many things and have gone through many experiences in my adventure so far - though certainly what I have gained are mostly for sure nothing compared to the many others who are more intimate with the Lord. But as little are what I have so far, I believe that they are sufficient for me to know too well not to risk preventing God from doing His will on this friendship; because I know what God has in mind is not just the best for me, but also for her as well on the other end - and to interfere is not only an act of disobedience, but will also only result to jeopardising His perfect plan meant for the good of both of us (for I truly treasure this friendship, and I really want the best for it).
Knowing how thick the mist is before me, sometimes I just have to be honest that I do not know what to do. It is not that God does not care - He does, but sometimes, it is me who is at fault, for failing to hear, for being too distracted, and for sometimes, thinking that He has not when He has already prepared everything before me. Again, His ways are higher than mine, and most of the time higher than my own understanding; and since He is my Lord, His ways I shall obey, and only His ways I shall desire, because I already know too well that He knows what is best, and that He is faithful, He is unfailing, and He always loves.
Bottom line is: I just want to know what God really wants me to do for both of us, for I really want to make the best of the time and opportunities we have, knowing that whatever God has in mind is always the best, and also because that she is that special and dear to me, that I really want her to get the best out of whatever He has in mind for her as well.
But sometimes, I know too well that I should not linger too much in thinking upon this question - and I should just learn to surrender and commit it all into the Lord. Less of me, but more of You, my Lord. I know. =)
Lord, my Father in Heaven,
Again, over and over I praise You for bringing her into my life, and along with her, laughter, happiness, joy, and companionship. Indeed, I acknowledge and I praise You as my Provider, as Jehovah Jireh, and as El - Shaddai, as God Almighty, for her and for the time and joy we both shared together.
I humbly admit before You that there are moments of indecision and fear, for I do not know Your will regarding to us, but I know now that perhaps, what I needed to do is just to commit everything into Your hands - and the rest will be revealed afterwards. Forgive me Lord, for my faith which sometimes wavers, and for my understanding which sometimes crumbles (especially when I wanted something to be done with perfection and without fault), but I praise You, and I lift Your name, for Your grace and love is above all my imperfections; and knowing that with You by my side, I have nothing to worry, and nothing to fear, for everything will be done the way You will it to be.
Beloved Father, I pray that You will continue to be with us for the days to come. Continue to guide us, and continue to protect and bless us I pray - for Your love is unconditional, for Your grace knows no limit as it has already been given to all whom You loved so dear; and also because that I know that to have You with us is also for the best of her which is what I too really wanted, knowing that You love and care for her as much as I do (though I know too well that mine can never match Yours, but even so… I know that it still matters).
Again, I really do not have the slightest idea on what is going to happen next… but Father, I will commit it all to You, and I will trust You, and I will walk by faith - because that is all I needed. As for her, I will just see what You bring next… for that is not for me to question, but certainly I will treasure her and I will care for her as much as I am able and as much as You allow it - for she is that precious to me, and that she deserves it; and I know that You feels the same way as well and that this is also what You wanted me to do. =)
And like every time, Father… Bless her, guide her, and protect her… and continue to love her as You always do just like everyday in every single moment she is alive on this earth.
Again, and again, I thank You for her presence in my life, and I thank You for Your love, grace, mercy, and everything else that You have made in sufficiency and in abundance. Thank You for everything.
In Jesus’ name I pray and give my praise. Amen.
(Looks like the mist is clearing off even before I even realized it…)
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Seymour Nightweaver (16th November 2009)
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