Saturday, January 23, 2010

Chapter 11: Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love

Often I know what to do… often I know what is right… but I realize now what it meant by things are “much easier said than done”….

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up…. I know this very well. This can be found it in the Bible (though I can’t remember which verse already) and to a certain extent, I know what it means… but I admit that it is still something that I am still struggling with - especially with important things which I find reluctant to do.

Till this very day, even though I have gone this far in my journey with God, I feel that I am still unable to bring much impact unto my family and the people around me... and not just that, I am also still finding myself rather inconsistent with my devotions and my time with God. I’m losing focus again, and I begin to see that my spiritual walk was a fluctuating one rather than one that will keep on rising and progressing…

Looking back… I begin to ponder, have I ever been putting God first in my life? Have I ever been considering Him as my priority? Has the life I have been living has been one that is truly pleasing before Him?

I know dear Father, I know Your grace. I know how much You loved me without expecting anything from me for all comes from none other than Your abundant and overflowing grace… But Lord, I am one who is full with incapability, and I am one who I find myself often straying away…

Father, sometimes I have to be honest that I can’t tell anymore at times whether I am indeed sincere in admitting my mistakes, or whether I am just finding an excuse for the things that I am not doing or accomplishing in my life as a Christian. Many times I have resolved to revive the old flames, but the resolutions are often broken even before I begin them… and for those that did not, they often did not last long either…

Yet, as much I found myself laying my back and being too comfortable in Your grace, half - wishing that You would give me a push to get things done… I am grateful that You are as who You are today, for it is Your grace that You still remained with me today, that You are still not giving up on me, and that You are still being patient with my incompetence…

But deep inside, I know that I must do something about this…. because as reluctant and laid - back I can see I am right now, this is still not an excuse for me to continue lazing around knowing how much my Father has done for me. I can’t, because I do not want to, for this is how much I love my God - my Father, my Provider, and the Saviour of my soul.

As lazy as I am, I still must; for as the real living God requires real offerings to please Him, I must offer Him the real efforts of my heart. I have to do this for this is how much He means to me…

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” - Matthew 16:24-25

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love - John 15:10

That was some of the many verses which Mr. Lian touches in one of his messages during this year’s PKA Family Camp in Highlands Christian Centre, Tanah Rata in Cameron Highlands. The message here is very clear: to be a Christian is to give up one’s life for God, follow Christ and obey Him. But the question is, am I really doing this? Am I really putting my heart in following Him and His ways?

And sometimes I do think that it is absolutely not necessary for me to be struggling in this problem in the first place… For if I indeed loved Him with my whole, for if I have indeed committed my life to Him… I would not even be left marooning in such a situation… I would have served Him and gave up everything for Him right away and follow Him without any problems…

But this goes back to why I needed grace in the beginning right?

The story of how Peter denied Jesus three times and how he was reconciled by Jesus Himself after His resurrection came back ringing in my ear... Three denials replaced with three confessions of love, one that comes out of grace and is accepted in the same way.

Jesus died for me as well as for everyone else because He loves me and you unconditionally; and most importantly, He loves us all despite our flaws and our imperfection. Being born into flesh, He has seen the imperfection of us humans, and of the wickedness and falsehoods that we have committed, and He Himself has been hated, disappointed, persecuted and betrayed by the people He came to save. Yet, He still choose to take away all of our sins and die a shameful death on the cross for everyone - no matter how hopeless, corrupted and evil we are.

Face the truth: That the fact that He needs to come to Earth alone is the proof that all of us are unable to save ourselves - He would not need to die, or even to come for us if there are hope in the human race to be good as certain people claim to be able to become, that we are able to save our pitiful selves from sin.

For those who are still too proud to admit your own faults, and who might be insulted with my claims that you are just as no good as everyone else; from this point onwards I will only evaluate myself for your sake - for even by pointing on one man alone, me, is sufficient. For those who has read my past blog posts, you guys should already be familiar with my past faults - like how I suck in personal relationships, how I hurt certain peoples, how easy I forget things and disappoint people, and even how hard it is for me to change my ways and life (even that is so visible in my life). I just looked back at my previous posts in this blog, and I seen certain issues rising up again chapter after chapter even though I have resolved them as the end of those chapters. Things are found repeating themselves, and to a certain extent, I am found repeating some of the same mistakes over and over again.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

But again, that’s why I needed grace; and that’s why I needed Jesus Christ. Rebuke me if you want. I know who you are, and I know you wanted to. Just rebuke and insult me straight in from my face next time you see me. I’m saving you bastards your breaths so that you won’t spend them cursing me behind my back - but I am not going to budge, and you are not going to take my saviour away from me. If you want to condemn yourself that’s your business, but just because I am no different than you does not mean that you have every right to drag me away from my salvation by grace, nor you can prevent me from choosing who I want to worship - because I can see that He has came for hopeless people like you and me, and it is through Him that I believe lies the only way to salvation and freedom from sin, nowhere else.

Again… you do not want to accept Him - that’s your business. You want to hurl insults at Him - that’s your business. But I am going to follow him, no matter how wretched and crippled I have become today, and no matter how many times I fall and struggle with things I do not see I can overcome, as foolhardy my efforts have been seen by myself, to a certain extent I am still willing to stand up again and continue struggling.

Lord,

Right now I admit that I found myself wondering, to a point that I find that this is rather humorous; for Lord, do You still remember that I once promised You that I would repent from my dreaming and live a more fulfilling life? I have read my own blog post right from the very first chapter, and as I look back at my life, it can really be a comedy (hope you do not mind my sarcasm) that I can still be one heck of a dreamer till this very day. There are changes of course, but not much improvement (from the way I see it)…

Lord, are You sure I am one of those people that You have promised salvation to?

Lord, are You sure that You have set me free from the deadly bondages of sin?

Lord, are You sure that I am meant to go all the way with You for all my life?

Lord, are You very sure that You want such a lousy and sloppy person like me?

Lord, are You sure?

Thank You, Lord.

(For even before I finished asking these questions, the answer has already been given to me:

But he said to me “My grace is made sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me - 2 Corinthians 12:9)

Epilogue:

In the end I am still one heck of a dreamer and a sloth. Nothing much have changed; and I am still one lousy person who is quite stubborn to the core like a donkey.

Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love… I am aware that I have yet resolved this matter, and you all can see clearly that I myself do not have the answer either… but one thing I know: it is because that I am that hopeless that Christ came for me in the first place, and it is because God knows how shitty I am that I needed grace. =)

I just need to respond - and I am doing it at every moment, just that I need to try a little bit more.

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN @ SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER (13th December 2009)