To love is to prepare oneself to feel both hurt and sorrow. Especially for a pathetic being like me, this rings true every time I choose to offer myself to share the burdens of another.
I will never deny that people will occasionally present you with a pile of shit, but I have to admit that I still cannot stand those moments when I cared for another person so much only to be presented with a pile of shit from them.
This is totally shit, the biggest shit of all times.
Shit with all the manners and courtesy for the moment! Tell me, how long will you want me to wait until you can finally understand that I am sincerely caring for you as your friend and brother!? Can’t you see that I am concerned and saddened by your troubled look? Can’t you see that I am willing to hear you out? Do not treat me like an outsider. I know that I myself do not worth much nor I am able to give much. I know. I’m not stupid… But I STILL CARE!
Is my love and care a degree lower than anybody else’s? Is my presence and existence that insignificant that I am really not that needed? All this is not true of course, I know well that both you and me does not and will not condone to these fallacies, but this is what you are making me feeling right now - and I cannot tolerate such degrading of myself.
I speak, but I am not heard. I do, but I am not noticed. I come, but my presence is not felt. I am the wind that blows in the night. I come, I go; but none will know of it - except the One who knew me, who made me.
Sigh.
**********************************************************************************
Hmm… it has been exactly 46 days since I typed that out.
I could still remember how much I cried when I typed out the first part. How much my heart wrenched just by typing those words. How depressed I was, how pathetic I felt I was at that moment…
But right now, as I found myself ending up looking through again this almost - forgotten text which tells of this part of my life (thank You so much, Father for bringing me back here again)… I find it rather funny that I had gone through those painful moments before. I am aware that I’m still going through moments of temporary loneliness from time to time… but as far as I could remember, that was the last and final time when I am struck with such pain in my relationships.
So much has changed since then, to a point that even I myself is finding it hard to believe that I have undergone so much transformation.
What’s more - the change does not just happen inwardly, but God has also brought in new changes and challenges in my outside world as well; especially now that I am a senior, and that I am now constantly surrounded by so many lovely and potential juniors. =)
At first, not all of them were really involved within my daily circle… only some, especially those who are my direct juniors in ELLS - PKA, but eventually I get to know them more about themselves one by one, and I was not surprised to find a few of them earning their place within my inner circle even though we only know each other for only a short period of time.
Of course, no one told me that whatever I am doing now is easy - with all the getting to know the juniors and their needs and stuff, and thank God, for He pulled me through… knowing also that He was the One who placed me here in this situation in the first place.
And to see how much I have changed as I adapt myself with my new role as a senior and a brother to some (brother as in “elder” brother, not the “younger” one)… It surprises me as well with what God can do in just a short period of time.
…
Good. Now it’s just You and me. No more SMS alerts, no more conversations with my other friends… Again, just You and me. It has been so long since I last expressed my feelings to You here.
…
I have to admit that I am really not the model Christian that anyone would like to follow, and I have to admit too that I have grieved my Lord for not too few many times already in my life…
But yet, I am still alive. I am not struck dead, and if indeed I am supposed to die for what I have done… I assumed that He would have done it a long time ago. Most people would have thought that if God is indeed gracious in forgiving my sins, He would have showed me a sign or a miracle, to really prove that He has done so. I admitted that I have thought of the same thing too for a certain period of time - but when I truly realize what it means to be embraced by God’s loving grace: To know how small and insignificant I really am in reality, and how disposable I really am in the situation I am in right now if He really wants to get rid of me for every time He is grieved and sometimes angered by my own ineptitude… but He still treasures me, and He is still giving me chances upon chances each passing day; continuing to use me for His purpose and glory.
There are so many things which I can think of that He can use against me. I was once addicted of pornography. I am not really a virgin either - I have somehow lost it along the way. There’s even a period of time in my life when thoughts of hatred and of killing off those people whom I do not want to have around my life prevailed. I am one whose life is controlled by anger during my younger days, and if the law would permit, I would have been happily killing off a few idiots alive and rip their carcasses with their innards apart back then for all the bloody hurt they have inflicted on me.
I once believed that I was a boy with a monster residing deep within the caverns of his heart - so much for Naruto (just a small joke to lighten things up); and I still have included those many small but stupid things that I still did even though I knew that He would hate me doing them all, out of my own stupidity.
Yet, He is still here, and He still chose me.
I really do not know what God has installed for me for the days to come, but from the way things are positioned right now, I have been given the responsibility to be a senior, friend and brother to my juniors (a “mentor” to Cain and an indirect one to Yee Kwan), and also to my seniors and batch mates whenever needed. Another new chapter has been opened in my life before I could even realize what has happened, and with it comes great healing and a grand metamorphosis.
No one knows into what I will become after this, or how much I would change in the next unknown period of time…But one thing for sure: I have chosen to trust everything into God’s loving hands and grace. I have seen so much, I have gone through so much… and He too, on the other side has done so much for me that I know well enough that there no one else better than Himself regarding to this case - in fact, He is not just merely better, but is the ONLY ONE person I can go to.
Not to mention that He has also given me a new possible beginning for my heart to yearn for another. ;)
For this new chapter of life:-
L’Chaim.
The wind passes by~
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (13th October 2009)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
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