This is the continuation from the previous chapter.
I have almost forgotten in my depression of how sleep can make miracles out of me especially during times like this. Not only I felt much fresher, but I am also finding myself being able to focus much better.
And obviously, I am feeling less and less depressed with every moment because again, I only told you half the story last night. If I am not recovering, all that I have learnt since I met Christ would have been for naught.
But from the situation which I am in now as I am trying to type out this chapter, this is bad - because I cannot write on my depression if the feeling is no longer there; or does God wants me to write this when my mind is much clearer as it is now? God works in so many ways that are still a mystery before us.
Still, rest assured. Even when I was typing out the first part of the story, God has already begun His healing on me. It is me who did not mention it - because that was just one half of the story, and this is the other and the final part. I left the gloomy ones in the previous chapter, and I will now reveal to you the light behind this darkness that is surrounding my current condition.
Remember how much I have repeated on how pathetic I am? Again, I hope you are reminded that I am not beating myself; but I am just reinforcing the truth, that in flesh and without God, I am pathetic. To admit this is to accept the need I have for God in my life. To acknowledge my own brokenness is the first step to learn how to be humble and daring to present myself as I really am. As mentioned in my title, I am presenting my life uncensored here.
I am pathetic. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found my strength.
I cannot do anything good. That is why I needed God. Through Him I can be fruitful.
I am a reject. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found love and acceptance.
I am who I am, and I accepted it. That is why I needed God. Through Him I believe that I will find myself provided.
For those who still have not noticed this - this is the Wilson you know, down to the deepest core.
This is one of the most important things which I have learnt from Camp Cameron, and this will be how I choose to live my life from now on.
I do not believe in withholding things especially my feeling towards the people whom I feel close with. When I care, I care. When I grieve, I grieve. And when I anger, I anger. I go full throttle. Things may go awry at times especially when my emotions have gone unstable, but if given proper empathy and trust, I know I will be able to deliver my message across - because I know of a handful of people out there who are willing to listen and be emphatic to me, and most of the time these people will always get what I am trying to convey to them. And these people, they have become my closest and most trusted brothers and sisters - people whom I can always lean on in times of need and helplessness.
Also, these people are also the ones whom I find not as withholding compared to the others. Maybe it is because they are trusting in nature, but even on my side, I am only take what that is offered to me. I am not one who makes demands, and I never feel that I ever have the position to do so. Even if I dare to ask and make demands, who could fulfil them? I know myself that I lack the ability to earn them from people, and whatever I tried, it just won’t work. I am not the type who mingles with everyone the way everyone does it. My jokes are cold and occasionally sarcastic. I am not good with current trends and issues, but am inclined with deep, boring and complicated philosophical stuff which people will not talk about in daily practical lives. I am poor in paying attention for what others are trying to tell me through their body languages and most of the time, people just find me a very lousy socialiser trying to fit in.
Besides, if I would really make demands for the things I needed in my relationships, I would have been left but with myself by now. Again, I am a reject.
People only know how to tell me to try to get over things without even caring to find out what is going on beneath the surface. Correction, because I should not be just talking about the people - but the world as a whole. In a realm where all everybody cares is the results and not how things are done, my background and past is meaningless. No one is bothered to show empathy. I know I am sounding like a loser right now, because I admit that I am one. That is why I am one of you today, my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.
I am nothing without God, and I am not ashamed to admit this. In fact, right now I am proud that I am but good - for - nothing; for this is how I learn to appreciate God in life. Anything that is good out of me, I give praise to God - for I clearly know that all that is good comes from Him, and that my flesh only brings imperfection and lack. But yet, despite the fact that I am nothing but a pathetic and a good - for - nothing loser, I still have the confidence and boldness to do things especially those which I know He has inspired me to do so, because I know that with God, I am unstoppable, an unquenchable fire that will never stop burning until all that is to be burned are nothing but ashes. I know to what extent I can do things with His anointing, and I definitely know what He can do to certain people when God called me to reach out for them. He is awesome, and He is beyond comparison. This is the God I, you, and everyone know.
Again, He may be one who will never stop and will never compromise until we do things the way He wants us to do it, but He is tender, and He is so loving that we will certainly find comfort in His presence. Of course I will be spiritually depressed and weary at times - this is normal, especially to me. But it is not natural for me to linger around in such a state more than a day or two. God heals, and God reconstructs.
And if I who am nothing good at all can accomplish what I have accomplished today with God, so can you.
I do not know what all of you will have in mind for me by the point you reads this, but I do not care - simply because all this is the truth, and if this is what you would feel or think towards me after knowing all this, then it is something which I find inevitable because I believe that all that is true will stand true no matter how much I would want to deny it.
This is me, and I am definitely made me for a reason. I really believe that. That is why I am still breathing, and that is why I am still a friend to each and every one of you. I may not be anything good, but I believe that I am here for many reasons, and the reasons are good - because all this comes from God whom I love. And to know that God can and will work through me to accomplish what He wants me to do despite my lacks and inadequacies, I am always eager to adventure with God towards what lies ahead of my journey - despite the fact that the world can be very depressing at times. He is a miracle worker, and I am truly privileged to be able to let His miracles work through me though small these miracles may seem.
In the previous part you have seen me reopening back my old and hideous wounds… and right here I want you to show you that I reopened them not because I want to beat myself up in showing how pitiful I am nor to ask for any form of sympathy, but it is because I know that it is only by reopening my wounds and admit my own hurts that God will be able to heal what that is injured beneath my temporary self - wrapped bandages.
If you have previously judged me for letting myself fall in such depression, here is the time for me to clarify my own actions, and also for you to reconsider whether you are correct in your previous judgements; because again, I never felt that I was wrong to express my feelings and emotions freely even if it is depression, for I know I should be doing so. God wants it that way so that I can be open for mending and healing. I believe that God can do real work in me because He is now working with the real me. Yes - the real deal. No jokes.
I am not going to be bound by man’s self image that keeps telling me to look good, for this kind of good looks are nothing but cover makeup and puny lies. Self - image does not bring any healing; it only covers the surface so that others cannot see our hidden and shameful scars. I will choose to be me, to portray myself as who I really am. Uncensored and unexplainable, but totally original.
See me as shit if this is how anyone chooses to see me, but I will still boast because God has seen something valuable in me whom he or she has called shit. That is all that matters to me. It is only between me and God, and all the shit that others have flung in their stupid attempt to hit my face is definitely out of the topic.
Besides, even if it is really shit that is tossed towards my face, I just need to wipe it away and clean myself. No idiots are going to stop me anymore in my affairs with God Almighty. Even if all the bread has been fed to the children, I as the dog will still get to eat the crumbs that fall from my master’s table.
I am fragile, but I am also tough in my very own ways. As I have mentioned before, toughness if not measures by how good are you in avoiding from getting hurt, but it is about how good are you in recovering from every hurt that you have gone through.
And from the way I see things now… The more fragile I realize I am, the tougher I have become - all because I have come as who I really am.
From here onwards is something which I have typed out for a specific someone whom I know. If this message if for you, you will find that out yourself when you read this:
I know that you have told me before that you hoped to see me to write beautifully and gracefully especially in my poems, and I am here to tell you (just in case if I have not made it clear to you, and also as a reminder if I already had) that I will make sure with my own left hand that you will see that your hopes will be fulfilled.
I admit that there are some of my works what are purely poignant and fuelled by darkness and hatred, but most are written out of my self - consciousness as a person who sees and admits my own lacks and shortcomings. I let my emotions flow freely and unrestricted, because I want to be that way - free to feel, free to give, and free to receive; even in my walk with God.
Darkness is around me, because I am honest enough to admit that I am living in a world of darkness, and that every corner of my flesh is also filled with it. But you will have my word that I will always try my best to give away both beauty and radiant light to both myself and the people who needs it no matter how fallen this world can ever be, because God is with me, and He will ever be - like the wind that blows all around.
I will never let you down. I promise you; not because that you are anyone significant, nor because that you are a friend, but it is simply because you have hopes for me, and that you have made an effort to give me a reason to hang on unto those hopes of yours. I hope that I am very clear with this. I am being cautious here.
Again, you have my thanks, and I will remember to harvest my gratitude and make it into bottles of sweet, fragrant wine - just as promised. Do not forget to bring your cup when you see me again in summer - a barrel (or barrels) if you wanted to. =P
The harvest will be abundant.
[End of Personal Message]
With the end of this message, so will be for this chapter and the final part of the whole story. I hope that all of you will be clarified of all the questions you all were having in the first and gloomier part. Peace to you for the days to come. It is time for me to soar again.
Part Two: Completed. =)
The wind passes by, refreshed and renewed~
L’Chaim.
WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19th June 2009)
No comments:
Post a Comment