It has been a while since I last experienced a spiritual strain as bad as this.
I have almost forgotten how hard it is to live my life for the people around me when I am constantly battered and hurt by them.
And to be surrounded by unbelievers again just made life tougher as I yearn more and more with each passing day for fellowship and spiritual encouragement. This is straining me to my breaking point. I really cannot survive without keeping in touch with my brothers and sisters, and the blackout which happened near my residence today made everything worse - because all the cyber cafes are down so I could not make any form of contact whether through Facebook, Yahoo! or MSN.
It is not just boring, but it is also dry - both physically and spiritually. Just imagine me spending the past 9 hours playing computer games. I know that games are not good for me either, but I am just simply too discouraged to do anything else.
All in one simple word: Sigh.
At least I have managed to pick myself up enough to pour out what I have been feeling since two nights ago here despite that it is already one in the morning. I hope this will not strain me physically later as I am planning to accompany someone to town in the afternoon perhaps.
I know that this is what you are thinking: At one point I was so fired up for God and at another, I looked so glum and dispirited. As far as I am concerned, you are looking at a real person here and not one whom you made with your perfect - like ideology of what a decent Christian should be.
Face the facts. We are all living in a fallen world. Life is tough, especially if you have chosen to live a Christian life. The question now is just whether you are willing to accept the truth that there will be times when you will fall; and whether you dare to stand up again after you do, knowing that you will fall again some other day. Again, being tough is not about keeping yourself from getting hurt, but it is about persevering and enduring through all the hurt you have gone through.
I am aware that this sounds depressing, and by now I would not be surprised to find some of you rebuking me deep inside your hearts - but again, I am just being honest here. This might be hard to swallow for some, but face the facts.
Again, God sees this world as filled with evil and wickedness for very strong and obvious reasons, and if you can truly see the reasons why it is so, you too will be as depressed as me.
I am not talking about what I think God has seen the sins us humans have done in the 21st Century. There’s no need for that. If you have not noticed this verse, flip to Genesis 6:5, and be surprised.
The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. - Genesis 6:5
No kidding. The verse is not even talking about us. It is only touching at the wickedness our ancestors have once done long in the past. If God could be so grieved that He has made man on the earth, and He wished to wipe man out from this earth because man has caused Him great pain at that time… Just imagine what would He feel and do when He look at what we are doing today. We would have been toast - worse than that most probably.
I hope this has opened your eyes to the fact that I really have the reason to feel depressed right now - especially if you also agree that what we are doing now are far worse than what our ancestors have done. I cannot help but to admit that I am really disappointed with human race, and that there are some wretches out there who would rather keep everything for themselves to the point that they would deny what is supposed to belong to another.
Humans are so pathetic, yet they still have the nerve and ego to look down upon people who admit their own imperfections through their awareness of how pathetic they are. Great. I have found another reason on why am I so depressed at this moment - and what a pathetic reason to be so.
But that is the truth. As I have been repeatedly mentioned here… I am pathetic. As a human flesh, I really do not have any capacity to make any difference in this world. I do not have the power. I do not have the money. I do not have any charisma either. I do not have anything which I can use against the rest of the community who makes the whole world. Flesh wise, I am trapped in the world currents, and I have no choice but to be drifted away to where the rest of the world wants me to go - even if it would mean my own demise. Isn’t this pathetic, as what even the dictionary has defined?
Again, I am not beating myself. I am just merely telling the truth.
And guess what? I am not just depressed, but I am also upset and angry over everything that is revolving around my life.
I do not even feel the need to tell you the reason. Just look around you and you will know it yourself! Life sucks, and worse, if I am to really exercise the purpose and reason for why am I here on earth, I am very certain that I would have to be one of those people who have to clean up the mess which the rest of us humans have done out of our own self - imposed for - display - only intelligence (or in other words, stupidity which we failed to admit even to ourselves). To make things worse, those idiots who have dumped all these crap into our hands will not even be thankful to us. They rather label us as being stupid because we are willing to do their dirty work when all others would not. Hey, don’t you know that it is actually because of you idiots that the world is falling apart today~! You blind??
But what pains me the most is that I have not yet begun looking things in my own personal level of importance; I am just seeing things in general.
I am a very complicated person, and you know better that a complicated person is really hard to please because his needs will also be complicated in certain.
Firstly, I love being around people. I really do, but social wise; I am nothing but a reject. Secondly, I always want people to understand especially when I began to do things differently, but even if I explain, none will understand, because they won’t listen. Thirdly, I am not as capable as everybody else at times, but people expect me to fulfill their own expectations without even stopping to consider my feelings.
I know not all of you are like this, and I hope that I do not sound like I am blaming you all for what I am going through now; for I know I cannot start blaming and hating anyone regarding to this matter. But the point is: it hurts, and I really do not want to bottle up the pain anymore.
For those whom I have warned that deep inside, I am a very emotionally fragile person, I would like to remind you again that I am really that kind of person. As much as I do not want to affect others just because I can really turn ugly at times, people will still try to exact pressure and pain on me every single day and time. I am a person who relies a lot on my emotions, and I know that none of you will like it if you realized that my emotions have been distorted or knocked unstable by someone or something. No one likes me when I am in this condition, and during these periods when I would need my friends the most to be with me and to help me recover from my breakdowns, most of them would be found conveniently avoiding me instead. That sadly, is another truth - and it is really a depressing one for me.
As much as people always try to force me to knock this out of my mind, I would still hold firm to the fact that life sucks - because that is the truth, at least for my life.
And really to be against what most people would have been thinking of me and my actions, I never really demanded anything from anyone in any relationship. I never did. I know what I wanted; I know what my needs are as a person on one end of the relationship… But I believe that I have never really asked the other person to provide what I needed, and I only took what is graciously offered to me - mainly because I know that my demands will never be met; either because he or she could not afford to give, or because he or she have other people and better people whom he or she find more deserving or needy of. I have tried asking, but I would just end up with nothing and I would even risk spoiling the current relationship I have with the other person. 100% probability. There is no need for me to even calculate. I cannot ask for anyone to fulfill my needs, nor can I expect anyone to be able to guess that I have such a need either. Again, I am a born reject, and I am forced to admit this whether I like it or not.
It is really tough to accept the fact that I am really this fragile, and to know that the people around me will always break and scratch me because they do not realize my fragile state, pains me even more. But at the same time, I know I cannot live without these people, so I cannot have them leave or abandon me either because I am this fragile. I would have been totally smashed into smithereens if this really happens to me.
To gain a friend is to embrace the possibility that they would hurt me over and over again for the days to come, but the pain of losing a friend is a torment far worse.
As a person who has been brought up deprived of real relationships, attention and self - value, I really cannot blame them for my depression. I hunger, yet I cannot expect them to fill me, and I cannot have them leave me either. I really do not want to open up anymore stories of my past right here. What I am typing down now is painful enough for me for now.
I am really tired and sleepy right now, but I know well that I cannot stop here yet. Now is not the time, though it is already 3.20 in the morning. I am really sapped of strength, but at the same time, I am restless. I must go on. I cannot afford to stop. At least not now…
But for most of you, I hope you have learned something about me here which you have not known before. And by this point if there is anyone of you who are feeling guilty because of anything which you have done to me in the past, just swallow it down and forget it. I am not a debt collector, and I definitely did not write all this just to shoot you all down. Again, I never expected you to do anything after reading this, and I only want to pour everything out. I am also obviously not trying to manipulate anyone here so please do not feel threatened or scared, or angry or anything relevant. I have received before such a feedback from someone, and I really do not like to receive another feedback such like that again - mainly because that it was not my intention to do so, and also because that the feedback has also reminded me of something from my past which I have been trying to forget. I JUST WANT TO POUR OUT~! NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! Am I clear here???
Boy, am I tired right now… Frustration and further depression is another matter. Looks like I better rest, despite the fact that I really do not like to leave my writing hanging like this… But again, this is just half the story. You still do not know what is actually going on beneath the surface.
To be continued…
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19th June 2009)
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