Chapter 8: Onward!

“Christianity is not for wimps” - a friend of mine told me this last night.

I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.

Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.

Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.

Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.

But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.

Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.

But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.

Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.

I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.

Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.

I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.

I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.

I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.

I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.

And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.

I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.

And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.

I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.

And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.

Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.

Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)

I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.

And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.

Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.

I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.

Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.

I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.

This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.

I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.

Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.

Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.

Onward!

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s

Chapter 7: The Servant of The Wind, No More

Sometimes in my life, I personally felt that I am nothing but a servant… No more than that. Honest.

Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.

Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.

I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.

There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.

But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.

I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.

But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.

Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.

It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…

I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.

And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.

Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.

But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.

And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.

Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.

There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.

Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.

I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.

And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.

Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)

Chapter 6: Limping... But Still Fighting!

No one likes to feel defeated. The feeling sucks, but face the facts: everyone will have to face it at least once in their lives, and I am no different.

I must have set myself an impression of a sore loser by typing such a lousy introduction for this blog post, but what the heck; do not expect me to be a super - spiritual human just for the simple reason that I am a Christian.

That is the biggest rubbish I think that have ever circulated in the skulls of us naïve and shallow-minded people of this entire planet.

I admit, that to fall back to my old addiction again (even if it is just for a single night) is indeed a crushing defeat for my side. Guilt was panging within me, and I have never felt any worse than what I have felt exactly a week ago.

It was a very hard fall; and even though I have got over it, the scars of my defeat remained for days. I felt so ashamed to seek Him - a feeling which I have almost forgotten after my three weeks’ time in Camp Cameron, and to fall again after thinking that I have gotten over my past for good; has dragged me further into the quicksand.

The experience of temporary spiritual paralysis was really depressing. Of course, I tried to rise up and move on… But I fall again to temptation on the next night.

I fell into a temporary spiritual darkness just half a day after I thought I have recovered and moved on.

For those who have never thought this is how tight my flesh was once bound to my past bondages, I hope this sharing of my experience here has given you all a rough illustration on how corrupted my flesh is. Temptation hounds me every time I began losing focus of God; usually before I am even given the chance to realize my own carelessness…

I hope you all will not be surprised if I tell you now that I have fallen three times into the same temptation within the span of less than a week. Since I have already told you that I have fallen twice, to tell that I have fallen for the third time will not make much of a difference anyway.

Again, feel free to think that I am a very pathetic person - because I really am.

Sometimes, I cannot really help but to think and doubt God whether He will be able to save me from my past shame and bondage, and of Him making me into a whole new creation. I know that they are true, but as what a human being will learn in his or her life, it is really clear that to know and to believe are totally two different stories. It is very depressing to learn this, but it is a reality that our race has been made with imperfection and limitations within our genes.

Even if we know that it is true, everything will still be useless if we still fail to believe and grasp in the truth. Again, I cannot help it, for I am a human, and as long as I am confined within my limitations, I will always continue to doubt even if what that is given to me is the plain truth - whether I have done it consciously or subconsciously is again, a totally different story.

But despite how shameful I am before the one and true God who is holy and perfect whom I still sin against even when I know that He is real and living, and that He knows perfectly of my sins and wrongdoings even if I would try my whole life to hide it away… One thing which I have realized from my relationship with my Heavenly Father is that no matter how bad our relationship have become, I will still have to move on and seek Him no matter what.

I may be limping, I may be experiencing a catastrophic spiritual eclipse for committing such a terrible sin, but I will still have to turn to Him no matter how pathetic I may have felt towards myself for being such a failure. He is the reason why I lived, no matter how many times I have chosen to stray away from Him, and without Him I would have lost the reason for me to live in this wretched world. I know that very well.

Without God, my life would be hopeless, and without the blood of Jesus, I would have been left aimless as I slowly drift towards my own damnation.

True, I admit that I may not find the prophecies of the coming days especially in the book of Revelations fancy, nor I have shown much interested to be concerned of what really lies in the future for me yet, but I still value the relationship I have with my dearest Heavenly Father in the present, and I really want to last for the days to come, or I might as well choose to cease to exist.

I know how God would hate it if I choose to kill myself - I wouldn’t, for His sake, but it is clear that my life will be as good as dead if I choose to disown Him for again, that kind of life will be meaningless for me.

I have grown so much in Him to know very well that God have seen my present state, with my scars and my limping and all. I am very well aware that He knew that I have lost the wrestle, and that I have been hiding from Him because of my shame. Yet, He has never left me despite how pathetic and useless I am - not even a moment.

And He still never fails to restore me again when I finally gathered the courage to seek Him back even after bringing Him so much disgrace.

I do not know how will He judge me later on when we meet before His throne, but I know well that I am better off in that condition than to be at anywhere else. After knowing Jesus, and who He really is, His Son who has died for me and lived again… Where can I really go?

And thank Him that I could still experience His amazing grace and mercy so abundant… Again, I am nothing without Him. This is one truth that I can never deny as a human being who has tasted before His agape love, and this is also the one thing which I dare to boast as a Christian: that I have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven, who is real and living; and that there is no other God comparable to Him, if there is really any.

Indeed, I am limping and struggling in my walk with God lately, but I am still fighting, refusing to surrender… Because where else can I go if not to Him?

I do not have any other options. I knew that very well indeed.

To be, or not to be: that is the question - William Shakespeare

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (Seymour Nightweaver)

17^th July 2009

Chapter 5: To Be Dragged Along The Road - In Loneliness

The new semester’s about to begin… But strangely I am feeling dry and lethargic deep within. The depressing feeling is back, and I really have to do something to keep myself up so that I will not fall or slip again just like in the past…

I know what’s wrong with me, God, but somehow I am always stuck with the feeling that I actually know nothing of the problems which I am facing right now -and now seems to be the perfect time for me to admit that I am actually a very disobedient and rebellious person before you, Father.

Again, I am pathetic.

But to be honest, I am really feeling like I am being dragged on the road which I am on right now. Everything seemed so fast, and often I found myself not being able to cope with everything around me. The burdens I carry on my back is already exhausting me enough - but I have to admit that I myself is also actually not free of blame as I myself have failed to make good use of my own resting period… I should have known too well by now of all the distractions which I am surrounded with, but why did I still allowed myself to be ensnared again?

I am really too tired of my daily life already. Camp Cameron has almost made me forget how sickening I once felt of my daily routine and it further sickens me to realize that this is what I am confined with. I am always feeling constricted in every way, whether it is financially, socially or even spiritually in my everyday life. Life is simply too demanding with all the required classes, assignments and tasks - and no one cares a damn on whatever problems you may have in our life. Again, everyone just expects for results and nothing else. Life as a reject alone is already too depressing for me at times. I have done enough grieving over my current lonesome state, and these are the times when I feel constricted and being pulled along the road that I really have to tell you, God, that I am really sick of my life right now.

Seriously, I have never thought that I have done anything right ever since I returned to campus. I am always carrying unbearable burdens which I am forced to drag around and everyone is always adding more and more luggage with each new day. Everything’s in a mess right now, and I’m also feeling financially tight at the moment considering that I have just spent Rm100 ringgit within two days… Life is really constricting me. I just do not know what to do…

And as usual, everyone else has better friends to hang out with as usual - and I’m feeling left out again. I know that there is no one to blame or to be angry with, but I am even more upset knowing this, because I know that I am not supposed to feel so when I actually wanted to because again, I clearly know that there is no one at fault. My emotions are suppressed by my own rationale, and I find this really suffocating.

I am back, with only God as my listening ears… Who saw everything that happened, who is the only one there for me in an hour like this. When everyone turned away from me, only you remained. He knows better that I have always longed for human companions but I will always end up with Him almost every time.

I know well that to have God would be far much better than anybody else, but again, to have this desire is to indicate that I am still human. Often, I would just shake off the feeling of loneliness and turn my attention to God, but sometimes, I just could not bear it anymore.

I am sure that God knows me well enough to say that I am one of those sons of His who is feeble and weak, and always beaten down in life. As much as I try to recover and find ways to cheer myself up, there will always be a point where I will hit my limit, when I cannot keep up with the pace any longer. I cannot choose to ignore that dark swirling void in me like it has never existed.

But because of this, I have the reason to turn to Him in times like this - and He has always been the one who pulled me through of all my mess.

I do not know why, I am really feeling sapped at this moment. Looks like I better stop for now. Rest and a short reflection seemed to be the best option for me for now.

*****

I have rested, and I am back again on this pleasant morning. I am much refreshed physically, but the strain on my spiritual side is still present, and my head is all jumbled up.

What am I actually missing? What have I left out to be in such a state of unrest mind?

My focus is all over, and my thinking seemed to be scattered and disillusioned. I am losing the purpose of my living, and the purpose why am I here right now in campus - perhaps that is what the problem is.

Looks like I have slipped from my original path already. I have taken a detour by mistake, and no wonder I am taking the toll for the extra distance.

Again, this is a blog written by a normal Christian with normal everyday problems. My Lord certainly have redeemed me, I have been set free from all my bondages and I truly believe that eternal life awaits me; but flesh-wise, I am the same as anyone else.

I have been made perfect before God, but my flesh still remained with its original limitations. The flesh and the spirit is always in a conflict and truly I find it a dilemma for me as I struggle to obey my spirit rather than my own flesh. There will be times when I disobey and rebel, for I am no different than anyone else in flesh. It is the relationship I have with dearest God that makes me different, as well as the response I try to give in respond to His agape love.

To be a Christian does not make us “super” humans with superpowers, though it may allow God to work His awesome powers through us for us and the people around us. Christians are still normal people with their own problems and struggles, but the only thing that make the difference is that at the end of the day, they always have a God they can turn to - and living God who they can always seek and come as who they really are, and who will always accept them out of His awesome Grace; a God who is also their friend and Father.

To be a Christian is to accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings, to admit that you are never perfect, and that you are not able to save yourself from the sins that you have committed.

Often I found myself lost in the strong currents of my life, and certainly this is not the first time I am feeling so suffocating in the journey of my life (and this will certainly never be the last) - but I will always turn to Him at the end of the day, and when I do and when I am done, my seeking will always end with songs of praise. Even when I do not get any answers from my seeking, I will still sing in joy anyway - because I know that whether He answers or not, He is God, and He is living and of course, He hears everything. I have felt His presence many times over to be convinced of this, and though I may not be able to hear God’s voice as audible as the prophets, to be able to feel His presence in my life alone and to know that I am on the right path which He has given me are usually sufficient enough to keep me going.

Again, Christianity is never a religion, but it is a relationship.

I do not know whether you all have understood what I have posted here… I do not care either, since this is between me and God, and also because I have found what I wanted - to be reminded of what God means to me, and to recommit myself to Him after being left astray for so long in the coming days. Guess He really wakes me up two hours earlier then usual for good reasons. It is time for me to seek His presence.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim. =)

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER)

6^th July 2009

Chapter 4: Of Love and Hate - The Origin and Aftermath

Before we start, I just want to be clear of something with you: Because I am pathetic, my romantic side is not much different either.

And another: My first relationship is not even worthy to be called romantic. It is really that pathetic. I really do not want to recall on or to elaborate in it any further. It is that pathetic.

But God still wants me to redeem that broken relationship. He has clearly told me so no matter how much I have chose to deny it and shove it under that old rag of mine, but it does not really matter anymore how much I would be feeling afraid or scarred each time this topic is brought before me - for I have finally did have the courage to mend it. The procedure was not as proper as I expected, but I can see that it is the best I am able to do.

And also, I really would like to thank the FES staffs and everyone else who have made Camp Cameron 2009 a success for the things I have learnt and issues in my life that I am made to face, because this is one of the issues which God has brought before me again during the camp. I may have struggled hard with Him regarding to this issue, but by grace He has helped me and gave me the opportunity to do so.

Still, I am aware that this will not change the fact that my first (and last so far) relationship is pathetic, and it is not even worthy to be even called romantic. I have now begun to realize that because I am pathetically raised up, I have become a pathetic person, and every aspect of my life will have the presence of one or more pathetic elements. Again, my relationships with others are what I see as the most problematic issue here… and if I am already unable or find myself struggling to cope even with a single and simple friend, just imagine how pathetic my romantic relationship will be. Again, my first one is not even worthy to be called romantic. I just find it too pathetic to classify it as that.

I really thank God for what dignity I am left with, because I am really pathetic as a human being. I would have been nothing without Him, and I doubt that I would have survived this long in this cruel world without His purpose, hope and love either.

Another thing about myself: I am a coward when it comes to making decisions or important life issues. The fear of the unknown alone would have made me indecisive and sometimes, blank. I rather act stupid and shove everything under the old rug or run away and passing the mess to another people than handling my problems myself. And for a coward like me, it is obvious that I would find Death’s offer for a quick solution for all the mess I have done in my life rather attractive - and I dare to predict that I might have taken that dumb offer somewhere during this period of my life if I have yet to know the God whom I know today.

I do not blame myself for how I am brought up and how I am deprived of the things I needed in establishing good human relations with the people around me.

I know it is not my fault. But do you know what is so sad and depressing about this fact? It is because of the dirty work of these stupid important and significant people in my life that has ruined me, but I am the one who has to bear the consequences of the damages I have done because of my ruined self. They told me to be someone and when I became otherwise, they would do everything else but to realize their own faults and admit that they have placed their own stupid self - ego over me. I do not care whether you are my father, my aunt, my friend, influential politicians, world leaders, religious leaders or anybody else who is bigger than me in life; I do not care - because I know that even your authority can never deny the fact that it is your fault that I am screwed, and I have every reason to hate you for all the things you forced me to bear today for what you have done for me. The power that you hold against me will never deny the truth that even though I am forced to submit to your lousy authority, you only care about yourself and but yourself. You know nothing about me, and what have become of me in your wretched hands, and I know clearly that all of you will not be bothered to care either.

The authority that you exercise on me to force me to submit to you even if it is through fear will only make me rebel and hate you more, because I do not see any other reason to submit to out apart of out of pathetic reasons such as material needs and fear. I will not love you nor will I not respect you either. Never. Do not be surprised if I do not come to your funeral, but am found celebrating over your long awaited death, even if I am to do it with but only myself.

The typical Asian tradition of respecting parents, elders and people in authority never seemed to apply to me any longer after seeing what all these people have done to me; and after that hiding behind their own authority by forcing me to deny all the damages they have done because I am still forced to submit to them even after they have abused their powers to such extent. These people are cowards and do not deserve respect as how I have viewed myself for being a coward - I do not care even if you are my father. Again, I do not care. To care is to just hate you even more.

I am aware that there are some of these people who did not do this intentionally to me. These people are easy for me to forgive. But to those pigs out there who rather become blind pigs than to admit the pigs in their own souls… If I ever ended up as a murderer today because of these pigs, it would be because I have found delight in slaughtering each and every one of these people like pigs; and when I am done with all of them, I would commit suicide in a way that I would die smiling. If God is not in my life today, this would have been what I really wanted to do with my life. I know myself, and I know and I now admit that this would be what I would want to do most if I remained as guideless and abandoned as I was in the past without the salvation of Jesus Christ.

All those are the words of my flesh. For those who have never thought that I am this wretched, this is how wretched I truly am. This is the flesh that I am forced to be made of, and it will be my flesh till the day of my death. Again, in here - all that I am to say about my life is going to be uncensored, unexplainable, but totally original, and honesty is priority even if it is brutal.

My flesh is not just evil and sinful in nature - but it is also filled with all the evil that is used towards me in the past. If not for God, it would have erupted from within me long ago, and I would have been gone for good in condemnation.

But if there is any love… Any kind of love that I still choose to show to these pigs, it will never be from me - for I did it for the sake of my God who has shown me agape love. I love because I believe in the hope God sees, and that He loves everyone regardless of what sins they have committed. Anything I have is God - sustained, and no more than that.

For those who are afraid of me or filled with judgemental thoughts against me right now; let me be clear with you that if you are so, you should have been feeling that since we first met because this is who I am right from the start - I just have not reach that level of self - realization which I have achieved in Camp Cameron regarding to myself.

The reflection before me in the mirror is still the same one; I just know it much better compared to when I looked at it in the past.

The flesh that made me in the past and today is no different. The hate, the anger and yearning for vengeance that are deeply rooted within me is the same: the only difference I have today is that I know why I have such corruptions within me.

But here is another thing which I believe, to feel and to act is two different things. I may anger, hate or be vengeful, but it is still my choice whether I wish to take action or not. I am a human with imperfections and whose flesh has been corrupted by this world’s abundant hate, so it is therefore, normal to be feeling that way at times… But I also have something else within me, which is the spirit, and also the power and freedom of choice. I cannot help but feeling hatred in times when I should be feeling so, but it is still my choice whether to follow the flesh or the spirit, and to decide whether my next action will be inclined towards hatred or love. This is the struggle Christian often face in their daily lives. I am just the same as the rest of you who believes in the Lord, as horrifying as the truth I have revealed about me to you just now.

And if this is how I see my emotions and actions towards the people I hate, this is also the way I see them towards the people I love and care for - especially in looking for intimate relationships.

Again, I am a human - and it is normal for me also to be in a state of infatuation or sometimes feeling emotionally attached to certain people around me. But at the same time, I have also realized lately that these feelings I have towards others may bring them harm instead when I recognized that my feelings and emotions may have been more amplified compared to other people - all because of the void of human relationships which I have within me.

Just as I have mentioned, I have lived my life deprived and denied of proper relationships - even within my family circle, and unbeknownst to me, I have been left to hunger for something which I have never realized that it exists. I have always been left abandoned and desolate thinking why would I find myself wanting to be involved with certain people when all they could give is broken relationships and the only thing I get out of them is being hurt and manipulated and me hurting and manipulating them in recoil. I have never really experienced a proper relationship before in my life until I received Christ into my life. That is one truth. Either people are not able to understand me fully, or people only care for but their own selfish selves.

I have been raised as a monster and I have become one; and now people are avoiding me because they realized that I am one. They made me into this, and they tried to deny me from realizing who I really am whom they have made out of their hands, but these hypocrites are also keeping themselves away from me because the truth is that I am indeed one and nothing will change that fact. Worse, they never show remorse or guilt for what they have done.

And for those who have done this to me and tell me to turn away from Christ, I will be clear that any harsh force that you would use against me regarding to this matter will turn you into an enemy - regardless of who you are. You have turned me into who I am, you placed the blame on me when I was but the victim, and you are now trying to force to deny the only hope for me to be saved and healed - because you want to me to remain as a helpless toy for you and your own pig - kind to play and victimize on! If I have no respect for God whom I love, I would have used all the four lettered F word I want right here to vent out all my anger I have harboured for 20 long years, because I hate people like you. I really do - and again; it is only for God’s sake that I have chosen and struggles to still love you, and if you want to make Him your enemy, you will have to make me one first for I refuse to submit to you any longer.

I rebel. I will not obey to your authority because to me there is no authority from you for me to obey. I will deny you the same way you denied me. That is what I will do if you push me to my limits.

I hate you bastards, and I hate the way you have made me into - because I am now a reject before everyone today because of what you have made me into. Only God accepts me and only He whom I acknowledge, so don’t you dare tell me to disown Him.

Now that you have seen how deprived I am in my relationships, what will you think of me when I have to face my need for friendships and fellowships as well as intimate romantic relationships? I never even knew how to keep these things intact since I have never been given the chance to have them in the first place! The only thing that I have in my heart about relationships when I first knew Christ is but hatred, deprivation and hunger! People only knows how to judge, condemn and reject me when I behave like an angry beast or demon, but they never bothered to listen nor to find out why because they only see things on the surface not willing to dwell into what is beneath my ugliness.

And to my friends, especially those who has been with me through both sweet and bitter times… I hope that you all can see and understand how much you all meant to me and how precious each and every of you are even just for listening to my wails and screams of pain; and I hope that all of you can see for the very first time, who is really the friend whom you all have extended your hands, attention, and love to, and how much I truly needed and appreciate these things from all of you.

I am a monster; but to those who are now my closest brothers and sisters… I want you to know how much your presence in my life is appreciated, though I have nothing valuable in my hands to repay you. I only can give you as much as I can, whether it is a simple prayer (I have to admit that I still could not find the discipline to really intercede regularly, consistently or for long hours), or a letter or poem of encouragement, or anything that I am able to make or give. Usually those are the best I could give, knowing that you all have better people to help you out or to provide you support you needed, and they are the ones who have better things for you. I may not be your best helper or closest person, but I still want to tell you that I still care, and you all can always call me when you need me. I am a reject who admits is drenched in hatred but still sees hope in love, all because I know that people like you all exists. I am the wind that blows in the night. This is who I am~

But for now, I will pray that all that I have placed into mending my relationship with my ex - girlfriend will work, and that all the wounds that we have inflicted upon each other would heal and recover. It is nothing much, but at least a brand new chance is the only thing I can give - but it is a chance that will come with a promise and new beginnings. Even if I do not trust her, I still trust God.

As for me friends, remember: I love you, both as a friend and brother. For those who never thought that your presence ever means this much to me, may this truth become an encouragement to you. Again, call me whenever you needed me.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (21^st June 2009)