Before we start, I just want to be clear of something with you: Because I am pathetic, my romantic side is not much different either.
And another: My first relationship is not even worthy to be called romantic. It is really that pathetic. I really do not want to recall on or to elaborate in it any further. It is that pathetic.
But God still wants me to redeem that broken relationship. He has clearly told me so no matter how much I have chose to deny it and shove it under that old rag of mine, but it does not really matter anymore how much I would be feeling afraid or scarred each time this topic is brought before me - for I have finally did have the courage to mend it. The procedure was not as proper as I expected, but I can see that it is the best I am able to do.
And also, I really would like to thank the FES staffs and everyone else who have made Camp Cameron 2009 a success for the things I have learnt and issues in my life that I am made to face, because this is one of the issues which God has brought before me again during the camp. I may have struggled hard with Him regarding to this issue, but by grace He has helped me and gave me the opportunity to do so.
Still, I am aware that this will not change the fact that my first (and last so far) relationship is pathetic, and it is not even worthy to be even called romantic. I have now begun to realize that because I am pathetically raised up, I have become a pathetic person, and every aspect of my life will have the presence of one or more pathetic elements. Again, my relationships with others are what I see as the most problematic issue here… and if I am already unable or find myself struggling to cope even with a single and simple friend, just imagine how pathetic my romantic relationship will be. Again, my first one is not even worthy to be called romantic. I just find it too pathetic to classify it as that.
I really thank God for what dignity I am left with, because I am really pathetic as a human being. I would have been nothing without Him, and I doubt that I would have survived this long in this cruel world without His purpose, hope and love either.
Another thing about myself: I am a coward when it comes to making decisions or important life issues. The fear of the unknown alone would have made me indecisive and sometimes, blank. I rather act stupid and shove everything under the old rug or run away and passing the mess to another people than handling my problems myself. And for a coward like me, it is obvious that I would find Death’s offer for a quick solution for all the mess I have done in my life rather attractive - and I dare to predict that I might have taken that dumb offer somewhere during this period of my life if I have yet to know the God whom I know today.
I do not blame myself for how I am brought up and how I am deprived of the things I needed in establishing good human relations with the people around me.
I know it is not my fault. But do you know what is so sad and depressing about this fact? It is because of the dirty work of these stupid important and significant people in my life that has ruined me, but I am the one who has to bear the consequences of the damages I have done because of my ruined self. They told me to be someone and when I became otherwise, they would do everything else but to realize their own faults and admit that they have placed their own stupid self - ego over me. I do not care whether you are my father, my aunt, my friend, influential politicians, world leaders, religious leaders or anybody else who is bigger than me in life; I do not care - because I know that even your authority can never deny the fact that it is your fault that I am screwed, and I have every reason to hate you for all the things you forced me to bear today for what you have done for me. The power that you hold against me will never deny the truth that even though I am forced to submit to your lousy authority, you only care about yourself and but yourself. You know nothing about me, and what have become of me in your wretched hands, and I know clearly that all of you will not be bothered to care either.
The authority that you exercise on me to force me to submit to you even if it is through fear will only make me rebel and hate you more, because I do not see any other reason to submit to out apart of out of pathetic reasons such as material needs and fear. I will not love you nor will I not respect you either. Never. Do not be surprised if I do not come to your funeral, but am found celebrating over your long awaited death, even if I am to do it with but only myself.
The typical Asian tradition of respecting parents, elders and people in authority never seemed to apply to me any longer after seeing what all these people have done to me; and after that hiding behind their own authority by forcing me to deny all the damages they have done because I am still forced to submit to them even after they have abused their powers to such extent. These people are cowards and do not deserve respect as how I have viewed myself for being a coward - I do not care even if you are my father. Again, I do not care. To care is to just hate you even more.
I am aware that there are some of these people who did not do this intentionally to me. These people are easy for me to forgive. But to those pigs out there who rather become blind pigs than to admit the pigs in their own souls… If I ever ended up as a murderer today because of these pigs, it would be because I have found delight in slaughtering each and every one of these people like pigs; and when I am done with all of them, I would commit suicide in a way that I would die smiling. If God is not in my life today, this would have been what I really wanted to do with my life. I know myself, and I know and I now admit that this would be what I would want to do most if I remained as guideless and abandoned as I was in the past without the salvation of Jesus Christ.
All those are the words of my flesh. For those who have never thought that I am this wretched, this is how wretched I truly am. This is the flesh that I am forced to be made of, and it will be my flesh till the day of my death. Again, in here - all that I am to say about my life is going to be uncensored, unexplainable, but totally original, and honesty is priority even if it is brutal.
My flesh is not just evil and sinful in nature - but it is also filled with all the evil that is used towards me in the past. If not for God, it would have erupted from within me long ago, and I would have been gone for good in condemnation.
But if there is any love… Any kind of love that I still choose to show to these pigs, it will never be from me - for I did it for the sake of my God who has shown me agape love. I love because I believe in the hope God sees, and that He loves everyone regardless of what sins they have committed. Anything I have is God - sustained, and no more than that.
For those who are afraid of me or filled with judgemental thoughts against me right now; let me be clear with you that if you are so, you should have been feeling that since we first met because this is who I am right from the start - I just have not reach that level of self - realization which I have achieved in Camp Cameron regarding to myself.
The reflection before me in the mirror is still the same one; I just know it much better compared to when I looked at it in the past.
The flesh that made me in the past and today is no different. The hate, the anger and yearning for vengeance that are deeply rooted within me is the same: the only difference I have today is that I know why I have such corruptions within me.
But here is another thing which I believe, to feel and to act is two different things. I may anger, hate or be vengeful, but it is still my choice whether I wish to take action or not. I am a human with imperfections and whose flesh has been corrupted by this world’s abundant hate, so it is therefore, normal to be feeling that way at times… But I also have something else within me, which is the spirit, and also the power and freedom of choice. I cannot help but feeling hatred in times when I should be feeling so, but it is still my choice whether to follow the flesh or the spirit, and to decide whether my next action will be inclined towards hatred or love. This is the struggle Christian often face in their daily lives. I am just the same as the rest of you who believes in the Lord, as horrifying as the truth I have revealed about me to you just now.
And if this is how I see my emotions and actions towards the people I hate, this is also the way I see them towards the people I love and care for - especially in looking for intimate relationships.
Again, I am a human - and it is normal for me also to be in a state of infatuation or sometimes feeling emotionally attached to certain people around me. But at the same time, I have also realized lately that these feelings I have towards others may bring them harm instead when I recognized that my feelings and emotions may have been more amplified compared to other people - all because of the void of human relationships which I have within me.
Just as I have mentioned, I have lived my life deprived and denied of proper relationships - even within my family circle, and unbeknownst to me, I have been left to hunger for something which I have never realized that it exists. I have always been left abandoned and desolate thinking why would I find myself wanting to be involved with certain people when all they could give is broken relationships and the only thing I get out of them is being hurt and manipulated and me hurting and manipulating them in recoil. I have never really experienced a proper relationship before in my life until I received Christ into my life. That is one truth. Either people are not able to understand me fully, or people only care for but their own selfish selves.
I have been raised as a monster and I have become one; and now people are avoiding me because they realized that I am one. They made me into this, and they tried to deny me from realizing who I really am whom they have made out of their hands, but these hypocrites are also keeping themselves away from me because the truth is that I am indeed one and nothing will change that fact. Worse, they never show remorse or guilt for what they have done.
And for those who have done this to me and tell me to turn away from Christ, I will be clear that any harsh force that you would use against me regarding to this matter will turn you into an enemy - regardless of who you are. You have turned me into who I am, you placed the blame on me when I was but the victim, and you are now trying to force to deny the only hope for me to be saved and healed - because you want to me to remain as a helpless toy for you and your own pig - kind to play and victimize on! If I have no respect for God whom I love, I would have used all the four lettered F word I want right here to vent out all my anger I have harboured for 20 long years, because I hate people like you. I really do - and again; it is only for God’s sake that I have chosen and struggles to still love you, and if you want to make Him your enemy, you will have to make me one first for I refuse to submit to you any longer.
I rebel. I will not obey to your authority because to me there is no authority from you for me to obey. I will deny you the same way you denied me. That is what I will do if you push me to my limits.
I hate you bastards, and I hate the way you have made me into - because I am now a reject before everyone today because of what you have made me into. Only God accepts me and only He whom I acknowledge, so don’t you dare tell me to disown Him.
Now that you have seen how deprived I am in my relationships, what will you think of me when I have to face my need for friendships and fellowships as well as intimate romantic relationships? I never even knew how to keep these things intact since I have never been given the chance to have them in the first place! The only thing that I have in my heart about relationships when I first knew Christ is but hatred, deprivation and hunger! People only knows how to judge, condemn and reject me when I behave like an angry beast or demon, but they never bothered to listen nor to find out why because they only see things on the surface not willing to dwell into what is beneath my ugliness.
And to my friends, especially those who has been with me through both sweet and bitter times… I hope that you all can see and understand how much you all meant to me and how precious each and every of you are even just for listening to my wails and screams of pain; and I hope that all of you can see for the very first time, who is really the friend whom you all have extended your hands, attention, and love to, and how much I truly needed and appreciate these things from all of you.
I am a monster; but to those who are now my closest brothers and sisters… I want you to know how much your presence in my life is appreciated, though I have nothing valuable in my hands to repay you. I only can give you as much as I can, whether it is a simple prayer (I have to admit that I still could not find the discipline to really intercede regularly, consistently or for long hours), or a letter or poem of encouragement, or anything that I am able to make or give. Usually those are the best I could give, knowing that you all have better people to help you out or to provide you support you needed, and they are the ones who have better things for you. I may not be your best helper or closest person, but I still want to tell you that I still care, and you all can always call me when you need me. I am a reject who admits is drenched in hatred but still sees hope in love, all because I know that people like you all exists. I am the wind that blows in the night. This is who I am~
But for now, I will pray that all that I have placed into mending my relationship with my ex - girlfriend will work, and that all the wounds that we have inflicted upon each other would heal and recover. It is nothing much, but at least a brand new chance is the only thing I can give - but it is a chance that will come with a promise and new beginnings. Even if I do not trust her, I still trust God.
As for me friends, remember: I love you, both as a friend and brother. For those who never thought that your presence ever means this much to me, may this truth become an encouragement to you. Again, call me whenever you needed me.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han (21st June 2009)
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