No one likes to feel defeated. The feeling sucks, but face the facts: everyone will have to face it at least once in their lives, and I am no different.
I must have set myself an impression of a sore loser by typing such a lousy introduction for this blog post, but what the heck; do not expect me to be a super - spiritual human just for the simple reason that I am a Christian.
That is the biggest rubbish I think that have ever circulated in the skulls of us naïve and shallow-minded people of this entire planet.
I admit, that to fall back to my old addiction again (even if it is just for a single night) is indeed a crushing defeat for my side. Guilt was panging within me, and I have never felt any worse than what I have felt exactly a week ago.
It was a very hard fall; and even though I have got over it, the scars of my defeat remained for days. I felt so ashamed to seek Him - a feeling which I have almost forgotten after my three weeks’ time in Camp Cameron, and to fall again after thinking that I have gotten over my past for good; has dragged me further into the quicksand.
The experience of temporary spiritual paralysis was really depressing. Of course, I tried to rise up and move on… But I fall again to temptation on the next night.
I fell into a temporary spiritual darkness just half a day after I thought I have recovered and moved on.
For those who have never thought this is how tight my flesh was once bound to my past bondages, I hope this sharing of my experience here has given you all a rough illustration on how corrupted my flesh is. Temptation hounds me every time I began losing focus of God; usually before I am even given the chance to realize my own carelessness…
I hope you all will not be surprised if I tell you now that I have fallen three times into the same temptation within the span of less than a week. Since I have already told you that I have fallen twice, to tell that I have fallen for the third time will not make much of a difference anyway.
Again, feel free to think that I am a very pathetic person - because I really am.
Sometimes, I cannot really help but to think and doubt God whether He will be able to save me from my past shame and bondage, and of Him making me into a whole new creation. I know that they are true, but as what a human being will learn in his or her life, it is really clear that to know and to believe are totally two different stories. It is very depressing to learn this, but it is a reality that our race has been made with imperfection and limitations within our genes.
Even if we know that it is true, everything will still be useless if we still fail to believe and grasp in the truth. Again, I cannot help it, for I am a human, and as long as I am confined within my limitations, I will always continue to doubt even if what that is given to me is the plain truth - whether I have done it consciously or subconsciously is again, a totally different story.
But despite how shameful I am before the one and true God who is holy and perfect whom I still sin against even when I know that He is real and living, and that He knows perfectly of my sins and wrongdoings even if I would try my whole life to hide it away… One thing which I have realized from my relationship with my Heavenly Father is that no matter how bad our relationship have become, I will still have to move on and seek Him no matter what.
I may be limping, I may be experiencing a catastrophic spiritual eclipse for committing such a terrible sin, but I will still have to turn to Him no matter how pathetic I may have felt towards myself for being such a failure. He is the reason why I lived, no matter how many times I have chosen to stray away from Him, and without Him I would have lost the reason for me to live in this wretched world. I know that very well.
Without God, my life would be hopeless, and without the blood of Jesus, I would have been left aimless as I slowly drift towards my own damnation.
True, I admit that I may not find the prophecies of the coming days especially in the book of Revelations fancy, nor I have shown much interested to be concerned of what really lies in the future for me yet, but I still value the relationship I have with my dearest Heavenly Father in the present, and I really want to last for the days to come, or I might as well choose to cease to exist.
I know how God would hate it if I choose to kill myself - I wouldn’t, for His sake, but it is clear that my life will be as good as dead if I choose to disown Him for again, that kind of life will be meaningless for me.
I have grown so much in Him to know very well that God have seen my present state, with my scars and my limping and all. I am very well aware that He knew that I have lost the wrestle, and that I have been hiding from Him because of my shame. Yet, He has never left me despite how pathetic and useless I am - not even a moment.
And He still never fails to restore me again when I finally gathered the courage to seek Him back even after bringing Him so much disgrace.
I do not know how will He judge me later on when we meet before His throne, but I know well that I am better off in that condition than to be at anywhere else. After knowing Jesus, and who He really is, His Son who has died for me and lived again… Where can I really go?
And thank Him that I could still experience His amazing grace and mercy so abundant… Again, I am nothing without Him. This is one truth that I can never deny as a human being who has tasted before His agape love, and this is also the one thing which I dare to boast as a Christian: that I have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven, who is real and living; and that there is no other God comparable to Him, if there is really any.
Indeed, I am limping and struggling in my walk with God lately, but I am still fighting, refusing to surrender… Because where else can I go if not to Him?
I do not have any other options. I knew that very well indeed.
To be, or not to be: that is the question - William Shakespeare
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han (Seymour Nightweaver)
17th July 2009
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