Sometimes in my life, I personally felt that I am nothing but a servant… No more than that. Honest.
Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.
Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.
I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.
There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.
But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.
I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.
But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.
Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.
It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…
I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.
And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.
Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.
Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.
But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.
And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.
Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.
There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.
Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.
I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.
And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.
Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)
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