From my eyes, a part of my own life is but a dream.
I lived a portion of my life each day like the way I lived in my dreams, so every morning when I woke up from my slumber… I lost a portion of yesterday - as I wake up from one dream into another.
Such is the life of one who is stuck in the middle of the current, but too reluctant to get out of the dilemma. What patheticism. This word may not be found in the dictionary, but this the word I will use. Let me be clear with you that if you are going to read anything here… you will be reading what I want you to read at my own terms, not yours.
Welcome to my world, a world which I myself sometimes do not understand - maybe because I keep losing a portion of my understanding of it every time I wake up from my slumber. Again, a part of my life is a dream, and I will lose it every time I wake up the day after.
This is very weird, even to me, but this is what I am experiencing each passing day. Often I wondered… do other people experience what I have been going through in my life? If they do not, then why am I the only one who is going through this? But I do know one truth:
I rather dwell in my dreams and imaginations that rather to live out my life in this world.
Am I being too artistic here? I do not think so. I still feel that I still have a sense for practicality, and thinking back, I began to agree with myself that it is actually my practical attitude which has lead me to this state of life.
What other form of escapism from this world would be better than this? I do not need drugs, I do not need computer games, nor do I have any need to waste money to get anything to crave on - though I still sometimes find it convenient for others to “make” the dreams for us before I dwell into it, though I myself too must realize that what others made for us might not be the way we want it to be.
Imaginations as everyone know, is free, and best of all… it is ours to create, ours to have, and ours to keep and dwell in. That is what that makes our own imaginations contagious to respective selves, and when it is contagious, it is addictive.
Dreams and imaginations is said to be the ignition towards creation in reality. Human inventions are always originated first as a dream or an imagination within the mental realm of their inventors. But when I look around at the world today, I have began to see that as the world are getting more and more corrupted each passing day, our dreams and imaginations are also getting distorted because the world itself has subconsciously shaped our way of thinking - and the way and purpose of why we dream and imagine things. And from that, comes the escapism syndrome which I now realize I am suffering from now.
Most of you by now should have realized that to live such a life is really pathetic, but guess what? I am pathetic, and people who think that they are pathetic live pathetic lives. Everything about me is pathetic, and it has always been that way. I am a reject today because this is how I am raised to be: either I am rejected without being given even a single consideration, or people just could not figure out how to accept me. I know that most of those culprits who did this to me do not know what they are doing - and deep inside I myself know that I have already long forgiven them. But for those who either did it on purpose for this purpose, those who did very terrible harm to me whether they did it deliberately or not, and those who did it only because they only care about themselves, what they feel and what they think and not a damn about me (and especially to those people who have done all these three different kinds of shit to me), give me one bloody reason why I should even be thinking of you pigs.
For those who have seen before this dark side of me, and have told me how scary I am when I am in this state of mind, let me be clear to you that I have tried and I am still trying my best to handle myself. I am still human, and I cannot help but filling myself with hatred whenever I look at myself full of scars done by inhumane humans. I am a victim of this paradoxical world, and my enemy is hypocrisy (and from the way I see it, my battle has always been a losing one).
But friends - especially my brothers and sisters, be rest assured for that is one of the many reasons why I turn to and am now saved by Christ; and that I definitely will not think of killing anyone or myself (or try to invent a mass destructive weapon to annihilate the whole world). I find these actions plain dumb, even for myself. I am not that stupid, though I realize that I myself have given you a reason to worry about me, if you are right now.
Now going back to my topic, I will not ask you to put on my shoe and try to understand me - because as I read what I myself have typed down so far, I can already tell myself that I can never expect all those who reads this will be willing understand me or what I am trying to say here. I dare to say that most of you will automatically correct, judge, and criticize me before I could even explain. Some would even accuse me right now in my face that I am just giving myself excuses to continue dreaming and to continue to live my life as pathetic as I wanted it to be. And for these people, I can only tell you this: stop reading right this instance because you are not the person I am typing this out for - for I can only say nothing apart from that until you have tasted what I have tasted, you will never want to understand what I wrote here.
But the bottom line is: For me, life in reality sucks. Seriously, I do not see anything good in my life that does not come from God. It is all from Him and apart from those, the rest are nothing but shit (What can I say? The world is a fallen world).
Yes, God is the only one I can rely on right now, and if I in any way choose to go against Him, I can frankly tell you that my life will be temporarily screwed until I totally mend the relationship - and when I say screwed, I mean my words. I do not know how I could have ended up relying on Him so much, but one thing’s for sure… I need Him, and He is the only One who is standing in between my sanity and my inner bestial instinct telling me to start roaring, grab the nearest machete I can get hold on and swing it to end another person’s life. In other words, if there is one person I can thank for keeping me sane after going through what I have gone through, He would be God (or should I say three people…?).
I am very clear with all those things that are taught to me: Love your neighbour, but again… I am human with my own imperfections. Do not expect me to simply love my enemies just like that especially after all the pain and hurt they have caused me, with some done without even a single regret by some of these rascals. Just like Jacob, I have my own struggles, and I definitely have my own things to wrestle on. Don’t you dare judge me with unrealistic expectations. I am a human, and I deserve to be looked at as a human! I am mine to decide, I am mine to lead, and I am mine to live; and if there is anything above me and is given the right to govern over my life, that would be God alone.
I have learned and realized that I am now a Christian not because that I admit that I am good or holy, but it is because of otherwise. It is because that I am pathetic, good - for - nothing… that I have now surrendered myself to Christ. I seek His mending because I dare to admit and I dare to show that I am broken and needed mending. You may not look up to me nor you will ever give me the respect I need again after reading this, but I am not ashamed of myself and of what I lacked, because this is why I am who I am today, and this is why I can experience God’s grace, love and forgiveness in my life. God is all I needed. I do not need any extra unemphatic idiots to ruin my life and my relationship with God, and obviously I do not need comments, criticisms and suggestions from these numbskulls either.
Boy, I am feeling sleepy right now. It’s already 3am in the morning, but I know I must finish this before going to bed later. I do not want to risk missing a portion of what I wanted to type down later on when I wake up. But I do not think I have anything else to type down either. In fact, I already lost the purpose of why I wanted to type this out in the first place. Typing this out will not change my life. Typing this out will not change the hearts of those who have hurt me. Typing this out will definitely not help me to do anything at all. But at least through typing this out, I get to gain an insight of how my life has been so far, and giving me a good opportunity to think about the certain things which I have overlooked in my life since the past few years when I first began “dreaming”.
Are dreams really that worth living in? Is it really worth to dream and imagine myself flying over the blue yonder, when I can try to soar in the life I am living in right now? I am the wind that blows in the night, and I am the breeze that blows during sunrise - and this is who I really want to be. Looks like I already found the answer, but obviously the answer alone would be useless if no work is involved on my part. For those who understood what I am trying to tell you, by now you would know that I will need your constant prayer to move on and to continue growing in Christ. For those who still do not understand, again - this is not for you to read. Get lost!
Dreams provide an escape from the harsh reality I am living it, but how long will I run away? Now is the time for me to determine the answer. Time is here to start working: To shatter my daydreams, and to rebuild my life as a whole… Life is never easy to live, but I believe that God has allowed me to live so far for a reason - and the reason will definitely be good. I trust Him, though it is mainly because that I have to. There is no other way.
I really cannot wait to know that the sun has risen, though I know that I would still be sleeping by the time it really does. The new day is ahead of me - a brand new exciting day…
The wind passes by~
L’Chaim.
WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (17th June 2009)
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