Chapter 8: Onward!

“Christianity is not for wimps” - a friend of mine told me this last night.

I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.

Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.

Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.

Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.

But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.

Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.

But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.

Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.

I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.

Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.

I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.

I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.

I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.

I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.

And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.

I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.

And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.

I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.

And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.

Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.

Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)

I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.

And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.

Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.

I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.

Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.

I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.

This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.

I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.

Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.

Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.

Onward!

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s

Chapter 7: The Servant of The Wind, No More

Sometimes in my life, I personally felt that I am nothing but a servant… No more than that. Honest.

Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.

Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.

I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.

There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.

But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.

I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.

But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.

Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.

It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…

I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.

And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.

Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.

But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.

And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.

Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.

There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.

Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.

I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.

And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.

Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)