L'Chaim - Life Uncensored, Unexplained, but Totally Original

This blog is closing.

2011-04-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone,

Just went to tell you that I am about to close this blog. I won't be deleting it, but I won't update it neither.

I've started a new blog called Ripples with a bunch of my friends, which also comes with a slightly different concept. Why don't you go and check it out? =)

www.rippling-ripples.blogspot.com

See you there.

2010-08-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

If there is something that I wish to pray for at this moment... It would be for God to teach me how to guard my heart, and for Him to teach me as well... how to trust on Him and to believe that He will provide everything in due time...

I know my heart has been left longing for too long already... but Lord, as hard as it seems - I want to trust you more.

I want to.

L'Chaim.

Chapter 11: Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love

2010-01-23T05:58:00.000-08:00

Often I know what to do… often I know what is right… but I realize now what it meant by things are “much easier said than done”….

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up…. I know this very well. This can be found it in the Bible (though I can’t remember which verse already) and to a certain extent, I know what it means… but I admit that it is still something that I am still struggling with - especially with important things which I find reluctant to do.

Till this very day, even though I have gone this far in my journey with God, I feel that I am still unable to bring much impact unto my family and the people around me... and not just that, I am also still finding myself rather inconsistent with my devotions and my time with God. I’m losing focus again, and I begin to see that my spiritual walk was a fluctuating one rather than one that will keep on rising and progressing…

Looking back… I begin to ponder, have I ever been putting God first in my life? Have I ever been considering Him as my priority? Has the life I have been living has been one that is truly pleasing before Him?

I know dear Father, I know Your grace. I know how much You loved me without expecting anything from me for all comes from none other than Your abundant and overflowing grace… But Lord, I am one who is full with incapability, and I am one who I find myself often straying away…

Father, sometimes I have to be honest that I can’t tell anymore at times whether I am indeed sincere in admitting my mistakes, or whether I am just finding an excuse for the things that I am not doing or accomplishing in my life as a Christian. Many times I have resolved to revive the old flames, but the resolutions are often broken even before I begin them… and for those that did not, they often did not last long either…

Yet, as much I found myself laying my back and being too comfortable in Your grace, half - wishing that You would give me a push to get things done… I am grateful that You are as who You are today, for it is Your grace that You still remained with me today, that You are still not giving up on me, and that You are still being patient with my incompetence…

But deep inside, I know that I must do something about this…. because as reluctant and laid - back I can see I am right now, this is still not an excuse for me to continue lazing around knowing how much my Father has done for me. I can’t, because I do not want to, for this is how much I love my God - my Father, my Provider, and the Saviour of my soul.

As lazy as I am, I still must; for as the real living God requires real offerings to please Him, I must offer Him the real efforts of my heart. I have to do this for this is how much He means to me…

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up the cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” - Matthew 16:24-25

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love - John 15:10

That was some of the many verses which Mr. Lian touches in one of his messages during this year’s PKA Family Camp in Highlands Christian Centre, Tanah Rata in Cameron Highlands. The message here is very clear: to be a Christian is to give up one’s life for God, follow Christ and obey Him. But the question is, am I really doing this? Am I really putting my heart in following Him and His ways?

And sometimes I do think that it is absolutely not necessary for me to be struggling in this problem in the first place… For if I indeed loved Him with my whole, for if I have indeed committed my life to Him… I would not even be left marooning in such a situation… I would have served Him and gave up everything for Him right away and follow Him without any problems…

But this goes back to why I needed grace in the beginning right?

The story of how Peter denied Jesus three times and how he was reconciled by Jesus Himself after His resurrection came back ringing in my ear... Three denials replaced with three confessions of love, one that comes out of grace and is accepted in the same way.

Jesus died for me as well as for everyone else because He loves me and you unconditionally; and most importantly, He loves us all despite our flaws and our imperfection. Being born into flesh, He has seen the imperfection of us humans, and of the wickedness and falsehoods that we have committed, and He Himself has been hated, disappointed, persecuted and betrayed by the people He came to save. Yet, He still choose to take away all of our sins and die a shameful death on the cross for everyone - no matter how hopeless, corrupted and evil we are.

Face the truth: That the fact that He needs to come to Earth alone is the proof that all of us are unable to save ourselves - He would not need to die, or even to come for us if there are hope in the human race to be good as certain people claim to be able to become, that we are able to save our pitiful selves from sin.

For those who are still too proud to admit your own faults, and who might be insulted with my claims that you are just as no good as everyone else; from this point onwards I will only evaluate myself for your sake - for even by pointing on one man alone, me, is sufficient. For those who has read my past blog posts, you guys should already be familiar with my past faults - like how I suck in personal relationships, how I hurt certain peoples, how easy I forget things and disappoint people, and even how hard it is for me to change my ways and life (even that is so visible in my life). I just looked back at my previous posts in this blog, and I seen certain issues rising up again chapter after chapter even though I have resolved them as the end of those chapters. Things are found repeating themselves, and to a certain extent, I am found repeating some of the same mistakes over and over again.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

But again, that’s why I needed grace; and that’s why I needed Jesus Christ. Rebuke me if you want. I know who you are, and I know you wanted to. Just rebuke and insult me straight in from my face next time you see me. I’m saving you bastards your breaths so that you won’t spend them cursing me behind my back - but I am not going to budge, and you are not going to take my saviour away from me. If you want to condemn yourself that’s your business, but just because I am no different than you does not mean that you have every right to drag me away from my salvation by grace, nor you can prevent me from choosing who I want to worship - because I can see that He has came for hopeless people like you and me, and it is through Him that I believe lies the only way to salvation and freedom from sin, nowhere else.

Again… you do not want to accept Him - that’s your business. You want to hurl insults at Him - that’s your business. But I am going to follow him, no matter how wretched and crippled I have become today, and no matter how many times I fall and struggle with things I do not see I can overcome, as foolhardy my efforts have been seen by myself, to a certain extent I am still willing to stand up again and continue struggling.

Lord,

Right now I admit that I found myself wondering, to a point that I find that this is rather humorous; for Lord, do You still remember that I once promised You that I would repent from my dreaming and live a more fulfilling life? I have read my own blog post right from the very first chapter, and as I look back at my life, it can really be a comedy (hope you do not mind my sarcasm) that I can still be one heck of a dreamer till this very day. There are changes of course, but not much improvement (from the way I see it)…

Lord, are You sure I am one of those people that You have promised salvation to?

Lord, are You sure that You have set me free from the deadly bondages of sin?

Lord, are You sure that I am meant to go all the way with You for all my life?

Lord, are You very sure that You want such a lousy and sloppy person like me?

Lord, are You sure?

Thank You, Lord.

(For even before I finished asking these questions, the answer has already been given to me:

But he said to me “My grace is made sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me - 2 Corinthians 12:9)

Epilogue:

In the end I am still one heck of a dreamer and a sloth. Nothing much have changed; and I am still one lousy person who is quite stubborn to the core like a donkey.

Heart vs. Mind, Knowledge vs. Love… I am aware that I have yet resolved this matter, and you all can see clearly that I myself do not have the answer either… but one thing I know: it is because that I am that hopeless that Christ came for me in the first place, and it is because God knows how shitty I am that I needed grace. =)

I just need to respond - and I am doing it at every moment, just that I need to try a little bit more.

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN @ SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER (13^th December 2009)

Chapter 10: Clearing The Mists

2009-11-16T03:19:00.000-08:00

Life can be very funny at times: at one point you will be drenched in depression and sorrow, and at another... you will be lifted back up to experience something that would bring you great joy. Life is full of surprises. Life is full of expectations. But above all, life is not to be lived alone - and I’m not just talking about friends, family or just merely the people who forms our circle or society... but God, who is always there, who provides everything which amusingly, includes all the surprises, trials and provisions which has prepared unfailingly for us in our daily courses of life.

Indeed, I praise Him for His presence, because that alone, has summed up to everything - but from one point to another, I personally have to admit that I can’t help but to be left wondering this simple repetitive but profound question: what now?

I really have to say that God has been very amusing lately - especially when I discovered that He has put someone special within the midst of my inner circle, whom I am rather close with right now, and whom though is now a distant away, is always and constantly with me in my daily life in a very special way; of course not as special as the relationship I have with my beloved Father, but it is still nevertheless special... and I am praising God everyday for her presence. =)

Until this very moment, I could still find it hard to believe that my own life have become just like Silas Marner’s; just like how the way Eppie came into Silas’ doorstep in that novel - where in that single but unexpected twist of event, great joy, happiness, and companionship follow for the many years to come in his life... But knowing God, and also at the same time because that I do not know much about God... I stopped, I wondered, and I pondered... and I paused, for I know too well that this God always gives me something His own reasons, and until I know why, I just can’t help but to think… What now?

I really do not know what lies ahead of me and her and I indeed am not in the position to even speculate, for I know better that the Lord’s ways are higher, and that He surely has other things in mind that would change the course of this friendship.

I know that some of you who are reading this might find this as something that is very hard to understand, but you have to see that from my perspective, this God whom I have accepted as the Lord of my life whom I trust and rely on is my priority, and the only thing I want to accomplish is to do what He wants me to do rather than what I want to do in this matter; for the only way of life that I want to live out is to live in obedience to Him as in what He wants out of my life rather than what I want for myself.

For those who has been reading this blog right from the beginning, I am sure that you know better that I am one who believes that God has an awesome purpose for myself in my life which I am meant to fulfil (and same to everyone else), and it is one which I truly believe is far much better than any other that I can imagine for my own. He has set me off to a wonderful adventure with Him that I have know too well that I can rely on no one but Himself for this journey, for He has declared that He alone is more than sufficient, and He indeed is more than sufficient - and anyone else who claims that he has even half of what He has is nothing but a liar.

I have seen so many things and have gone through many experiences in my adventure so far - though certainly what I have gained are mostly for sure nothing compared to the many others who are more intimate with the Lord. But as little are what I have so far, I believe that they are sufficient for me to know too well not to risk preventing God from doing His will on this friendship; because I know what God has in mind is not just the best for me, but also for her as well on the other end - and to interfere is not only an act of disobedience, but will also only result to jeopardising His perfect plan meant for the good of both of us (for I truly treasure this friendship, and I really want the best for it).

Knowing how thick the mist is before me, sometimes I just have to be honest that I do not know what to do. It is not that God does not care - He does, but sometimes, it is me who is at fault, for failing to hear, for being too distracted, and for sometimes, thinking that He has not when He has already prepared everything before me. Again, His ways are higher than mine, and most of the time higher than my own understanding; and since He is my Lord, His ways I shall obey, and only His ways I shall desire, because I already know too well that He knows what is best, and that He is faithful, He is unfailing, and He always loves.

Bottom line is: I just want to know what God really wants me to do for both of us, for I really want to make the best of the time and opportunities we have, knowing that whatever God has in mind is always the best, and also because that she is that special and dear to me, that I really want her to get the best out of whatever He has in mind for her as well.

But sometimes, I know too well that I should not linger too much in thinking upon this question - and I should just learn to surrender and commit it all into the Lord. Less of me, but more of You, my Lord. I know. =)

Lord, my Father in Heaven,

Again, over and over I praise You for bringing her into my life, and along with her, laughter, happiness, joy, and companionship. Indeed, I acknowledge and I praise You as my Provider, as Jehovah Jireh, and as El - Shaddai, as God Almighty, for her and for the time and joy we both shared together.

I humbly admit before You that there are moments of indecision and fear, for I do not know Your will regarding to us, but I know now that perhaps, what I needed to do is just to commit everything into Your hands - and the rest will be revealed afterwards. Forgive me Lord, for my faith which sometimes wavers, and for my understanding which sometimes crumbles (especially when I wanted something to be done with perfection and without fault), but I praise You, and I lift Your name, for Your grace and love is above all my imperfections; and knowing that with You by my side, I have nothing to worry, and nothing to fear, for everything will be done the way You will it to be.

Beloved Father, I pray that You will continue to be with us for the days to come. Continue to guide us, and continue to protect and bless us I pray - for Your love is unconditional, for Your grace knows no limit as it has already been given to all whom You loved so dear; and also because that I know that to have You with us is also for the best of her which is what I too really wanted, knowing that You love and care for her as much as I do (though I know too well that mine can never match Yours, but even so… I know that it still matters).

Again, I really do not have the slightest idea on what is going to happen next… but Father, I will commit it all to You, and I will trust You, and I will walk by faith - because that is all I needed. As for her, I will just see what You bring next… for that is not for me to question, but certainly I will treasure her and I will care for her as much as I am able and as much as You allow it - for she is that precious to me, and that she deserves it; and I know that You feels the same way as well and that this is also what You wanted me to do. =)

And like every time, Father… Bless her, guide her, and protect her… and continue to love her as You always do just like everyday in every single moment she is alive on this earth.
Again, and again, I thank You for her presence in my life, and I thank You for Your love, grace, mercy, and everything else that You have made in sufficiency and in abundance. Thank You for everything.

In Jesus’ name I pray and give my praise. Amen.

(Looks like the mist is clearing off even before I even realized it…)

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Seymour Nightweaver (16th November 2009)

Another Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 2)

2009-11-01T06:01:00.000-08:00

Night…

The wind is calling me again today… and this time, to lure me out to bathe myself under the shining full moon.

I wonder what you have in mind tonight.

Of course, Eraser heard the calls as well… but as usual, she keeps herself silent - a friend with very few words, knowing me so well that I would end up figuring out or doing what she wants to tell me to.

She only has to follow me silently from behind as soon as I made up my mind to leave my room and step into the illuminated darkness outside the building.

Night…

My name was called again, but it was a different voice.

Different… but very familiar - and it is already too late for me to turn away by the time I realise who it was.

From the shadows, a figure appeared before my eyes. I knew well that it is no more than an illusion, but it seems so real, from her hair to her feet, and also from the way she breathes and smiles knowing that I am before her.

But the lips which previously revealed a smile a few second ago slowly arch downwards as she stare deeply into my eyes with piercing sorrow.

Whatever that has happened in the past and has been forgotten can never be brought back to life again - at least when it is concerning the love which both of us once had together. She should know better than me that it has died ages past, and there is no meaning to hold onto this lifeless carcass of a love any longer with the hope that it would come into life again… But still, she would not choose to listen.

Knowing what is going on, I raised my left arm and pointed the edge of my black katar towards the direction of her face. My eyes pierce the darkness as I lock mine into hers, and my voice was low and cold as I make my demand:

What do you want from me?

But there was no reply from the forlorn image of the person who was once my lover. The relationship ended pathetically, with both of us hurt from the separation - but the only regret I had is only that I should have severed our ties earlier and not to be persuaded by her. There is no love in between us apart from what that is only one - sided, and it is already too late for her to seek for the love which has long withered within me. She has rejected me a little too long, and when she has decided to change her mind and came back for me… She found it hard to realize that she was already too late.

Back in the younger days when I yearn and hunger greatly for passionate love, I was denied of one by herself to a point where I almost lost everything including my own soul in the turmoils and the turbulence of my heart… but now, even though I am still yearning and waiting and ever searching for the one I would eventually decide that I would share the rest of my life with her, I have know too well to reject her. I could accept almost any other person who comes before me, but not her, not the person who she is right now.

In the past, I would have found myself easily misguided by my own desire to be loved and desired by another, and I would have fallen into her trap with no difficulty at all… but now, I knew better that there is more than just the mere desire of having someone whom I can call my lover. The character and personality that once attracted me no longer have any more charm, and I know too well now that she would only be a binding chain to my wings and a burden rather than a companion whom I can always have by my side. She does not see the world the way I see it, and I know too that there are many things about me which she despises, especially on things which make me who I really am.

From a poor naïve soul who would submit to anything just to be desired, I have outgrown my old cocoon into the person who I am today. Instead of being just confining myself to the earth, I have long learned how to run with the wind and learned how to spread my wings wide as I explore the endless skies… I have tasted freedom during the period of her abandonment, and I now know too well to refuse going back being confined or to be bound by anyone any longer - for I deserve to have my own individuality. From the moment I realize I am free, I make my own decisions. I make my own choices. I decide my own preferences; and if there is anyone whom I will submit and obey, there is only one dear friend whom I will gladly do so. I am not going to turn back.

How hard is it for her to understand that the person whom she once knew is already long dead?

Indeed, there are many things as well which I have done which hurt her in return; not to mention those mistakes which I have indeed regretted doing which I know would have scarred her… But still, the damage has been done - and with the relationship broken, I have to bear the consequences for my actions… but I can never give her what she wanted from me.

As much as I do not like doing this for I am forced to reject her not because of what she has done, but for who she is… I also on the other hand am feeling revolted by her actions - ceaselessly trying to win by back through pleading, cajoling, manipulating and the likes. I fell for her snare once, and she got me back for a short moment, but I knew too well that it is already impossible…

One - sided love yesterday; and still one - sided love today. The only difference is just that we have switch sides. Again, I can’t help but feeling remorseful, regretful and somewhat sorry that she has to go through this together with me, but sadly… my heart is no longer hers to keep.

I know well that this is cruel and that, I do not have any other choice; but no matter how hurtful this will be to her, Eraser will now stand between her and me if she ever dares to come close - especially if she tries to force or pressure me into accepting her again which she has done several times past.

Aware that none of us has anything to say to each other any longer, the illusion fades away and dissipates into nothing. The song which previously filled the air with a soft melancholic tune has also vanished with the singers as I felt Eraser’s hand resting upon my shoulder, meant to provide emotional support.

Both of us were silent for a moment, knowing how useless words will be in situations like this - but the wind still keep blowing, constantly whispering…

I heard you, my friend. You have been left waiting for too long - but I am sure that your wait has been one which you have prepared well for, assuming that you have already foreseen this to happen. Now, for the time we both have been waiting for…

I look back at Eraser’s beautiful but mysterious dark eyes which are almost camouflaged by the darkness if not for the vague illumination of the full moon, only to realize that she is staring back at me. Her black wings, slightly reflecting the gleam of the silver rays, seemed enthusiastic to take off at any moment. She did not really smile, but she will do soon enough, knowing too well that deep inside, she has been waiting all this while for this very moment.

Shall we dance, Eraser?

(A rhetorical question asked out of courtesy which both of us will not mind asking and being asked for)

Chapter 9: Love and Pain / A New Chapter

2009-10-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

To love is to prepare oneself to feel both hurt and sorrow. Especially for a pathetic being like me, this rings true every time I choose to offer myself to share the burdens of another.

I will never deny that people will occasionally present you with a pile of shit, but I have to admit that I still cannot stand those moments when I cared for another person so much only to be presented with a pile of shit from them.

This is totally shit, the biggest shit of all times.

Shit with all the manners and courtesy for the moment! Tell me, how long will you want me to wait until you can finally understand that I am sincerely caring for you as your friend and brother!? Can’t you see that I am concerned and saddened by your troubled look? Can’t you see that I am willing to hear you out? Do not treat me like an outsider. I know that I myself do not worth much nor I am able to give much. I know. I’m not stupid… But I STILL CARE!

Is my love and care a degree lower than anybody else’s? Is my presence and existence that insignificant that I am really not that needed? All this is not true of course, I know well that both you and me does not and will not condone to these fallacies, but this is what you are making me feeling right now - and I cannot tolerate such degrading of myself.

I speak, but I am not heard. I do, but I am not noticed. I come, but my presence is not felt. I am the wind that blows in the night. I come, I go; but none will know of it - except the One who knew me, who made me.

Sigh.

**********************************************************************************

Hmm… it has been exactly 46 days since I typed that out.

I could still remember how much I cried when I typed out the first part. How much my heart wrenched just by typing those words. How depressed I was, how pathetic I felt I was at that moment…

But right now, as I found myself ending up looking through again this almost - forgotten text which tells of this part of my life (thank You so much, Father for bringing me back here again)… I find it rather funny that I had gone through those painful moments before. I am aware that I’m still going through moments of temporary loneliness from time to time… but as far as I could remember, that was the last and final time when I am struck with such pain in my relationships.

So much has changed since then, to a point that even I myself is finding it hard to believe that I have undergone so much transformation.

What’s more - the change does not just happen inwardly, but God has also brought in new changes and challenges in my outside world as well; especially now that I am a senior, and that I am now constantly surrounded by so many lovely and potential juniors. =)

At first, not all of them were really involved within my daily circle… only some, especially those who are my direct juniors in ELLS - PKA, but eventually I get to know them more about themselves one by one, and I was not surprised to find a few of them earning their place within my inner circle even though we only know each other for only a short period of time.

Of course, no one told me that whatever I am doing now is easy - with all the getting to know the juniors and their needs and stuff, and thank God, for He pulled me through… knowing also that He was the One who placed me here in this situation in the first place.

And to see how much I have changed as I adapt myself with my new role as a senior and a brother to some (brother as in “elder” brother, not the “younger” one)… It surprises me as well with what God can do in just a short period of time.

…

Good. Now it’s just You and me. No more SMS alerts, no more conversations with my other friends… Again, just You and me. It has been so long since I last expressed my feelings to You here.

…

I have to admit that I am really not the model Christian that anyone would like to follow, and I have to admit too that I have grieved my Lord for not too few many times already in my life…

But yet, I am still alive. I am not struck dead, and if indeed I am supposed to die for what I have done… I assumed that He would have done it a long time ago. Most people would have thought that if God is indeed gracious in forgiving my sins, He would have showed me a sign or a miracle, to really prove that He has done so. I admitted that I have thought of the same thing too for a certain period of time - but when I truly realize what it means to be embraced by God’s loving grace: To know how small and insignificant I really am in reality, and how disposable I really am in the situation I am in right now if He really wants to get rid of me for every time He is grieved and sometimes angered by my own ineptitude… but He still treasures me, and He is still giving me chances upon chances each passing day; continuing to use me for His purpose and glory.

There are so many things which I can think of that He can use against me. I was once addicted of pornography. I am not really a virgin either - I have somehow lost it along the way. There’s even a period of time in my life when thoughts of hatred and of killing off those people whom I do not want to have around my life prevailed. I am one whose life is controlled by anger during my younger days, and if the law would permit, I would have been happily killing off a few idiots alive and rip their carcasses with their innards apart back then for all the bloody hurt they have inflicted on me.

I once believed that I was a boy with a monster residing deep within the caverns of his heart - so much for Naruto (just a small joke to lighten things up); and I still have included those many small but stupid things that I still did even though I knew that He would hate me doing them all, out of my own stupidity.

Yet, He is still here, and He still chose me.

I really do not know what God has installed for me for the days to come, but from the way things are positioned right now, I have been given the responsibility to be a senior, friend and brother to my juniors (a “mentor” to Cain and an indirect one to Yee Kwan), and also to my seniors and batch mates whenever needed. Another new chapter has been opened in my life before I could even realize what has happened, and with it comes great healing and a grand metamorphosis.

No one knows into what I will become after this, or how much I would change in the next unknown period of time…But one thing for sure: I have chosen to trust everything into God’s loving hands and grace. I have seen so much, I have gone through so much… and He too, on the other side has done so much for me that I know well enough that there no one else better than Himself regarding to this case - in fact, He is not just merely better, but is the ONLY ONE person I can go to.

Not to mention that He has also given me a new possible beginning for my heart to yearn for another. ;)

For this new chapter of life:-

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (13th October 2009)

A Filler: Reflections in The Wind (Chapter 1)

2009-09-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

I am Night.

I have never recalled setting my foot along this narrow corridor before in my life, yet when I looked around me: at the old arches and the cobwebs that reside there, at the strange cracks which can be hard to see in poor lighting along the two dark walls facing each other in an eternal stare, and even at the old mysterious lamps which left me wondering for a while how, who and what have kept all these lamps lit at all times…

There was a feeling of mystery and strangeness in the air, and my mind was racing with anxiety and nervousness - afraid of what would be lying in wait for me at the end of this corridor. But somehow I still picked up the courage to move on and making sure that I am not left behind by Eraser. It was not just because that I was aware of the strange feeling of familiarity that came along with all these other emotions within me; but also knowing that I can always trust her in situations like this - and also because that this is the path that I am meant to take and finish.

Eraser knew what is lingering in my mind but I knew well that she has chosen to keep herself quiet; allowing me to discover the answer for our coming here later, which she knows in return that I would be able to.

I would expect the answer to be rather revolutionary, but never surprising - for I have already expected it to appear to me in such form, in a way when the past seems to repeat itself in the present.

Knowing that Eraser will never stop to wait for me whenever I stop to ponder, I have to keep on moving so that I will not be left behind. Her steps were not fast, thus providing my eyes the needed time to explore the gloomy surroundings, but they were not slow enough either for me to stop pondering for a long time. I need to get moving or it would take me forever to reach the end of this seemingly unending pathway.

Eventually we came to a point where I could see light at the end of the corridor. The corridor ends at a small chamber, and across the room is a pair of huge double metal doors which have been waiting to be opened.

The chamber was a spectacular sight; with lamps resembling glowing crystals illuminate the whole area and the four greyish walls. Judging from the decorations and the furniture around me (with a rather large cross visibly hung on one of the walls), it seemed to me that this place was once a small chapel - worn out assumedly of lack of use and maintenance.

“This pair of double doors, when entered, will lead you to the place where you desired to be at the most.”

Indeed?

Her nod was the confirmation that what she has spoken are the truth.

“But… There is still something you need to do before you will be able to open the double doors.”

Indeed as she finished speaking, I heard and felt strange powerful gusts of wind suddenly rushing from behind - from the corridor into the chamber. The whole chamber slightly roared for a moment with a strange but echoing voice, and both of us covered our eyes as the dust which once filled the place was blown all over by the wind. But as fast as it started, everything came into an abrupt stop, and right in front of where both of us stood, formed a spirit - like entity which slowly manifests itself into a man wearing medieval armour plates armed with a huge two - handed claymore.

“Thou shalt not pass tis door.”

She was no longer by my side, only to give me a reason more why I should not falter nor fear him. A pair of deadly black bladed katar now readily fasted on my arms, longing to lock blades with my adversary’s.

There is only one person I know whom I can never beat, and because he is not that person whom I mentioned, this is going to be a match I can never lose - and he was indeed far from being my match.

He was strong, but his blade never touched me. He did not even attack, and was only fending off each of my swift attacks until his blade shattered from the continuous impacts of the dancing shadowy fangs. Rejoicing song of triumph filled the air as the edges fixed themselves just a hair away from his throat, but both hesitated to draw blood and were slowly lowered.

I have won; and besides, I should have known better than to kill a person whom I can never kill. I could not tell who it was at first. He was a familiar stranger to me, and it was only through fighting him when I learn who he really was.

Moreover, it is no fun beating up a friend who would purposely lose to you every time you fought with him - and it is never worth the life of a friend so dear to see what lies ahead of those double doors.

“I assumed that you have found the exercise worthwhile.”

I have to agree with Eraser who has returned to accompany me back to where we came from; and as I turned back after both of us left the entrance of that gloomy corridor, the entrance vanished.

But I swore that I heard the creaking sound of doors opening echoing in the wind, but since I can never go back there - there is no point pondering about that.

Maybe I was not meant to go through those doors after all… Or is it that by turning back, I have done so…?

She only kept quiet as she led me back to where we both started, and vanished.

Chapter 8: Onward!

2009-08-11T11:45:00.001-07:00

“Christianity is not for wimps” - a friend of mine told me this last night.

I quoted this from her, not just because that this is something which is really direct, frank and more importantly true; but it also because that when viewed from my personal perspective as a Christian (in other means, from my own life), I find it rather ironic… and quite humorous.

Explanation? Let’s just say that if I were to know what lies ahead of me right now when I was still deciding to take on this path, I would have gave myself a second thought. I have to admit that I was a wimp when I first became a Christian, and I have never seen this coming until the very moment when it smacks right on my very face like a strong typhoon.

Even until this very day, I have to confess that I am nothing much to show and prove to anyone as a man. I never thought that I have actually grown up. Physically, yes; but not mentally nor spiritually. I do not see myself on par with my own peers, because I have nothing that gives me the basis to do so.

Honestly, I feel more like a kid rather than a grown up. Sometimes childlike, but most of the time - childish; and I’m still feeling that way until this very day.

But one thing is for sure… I have grown a lot since I last pondered upon this matter half a year ago, and I give thanks to my Lord for giving me this opportunity.

Right now, as I look at myself before a mirror, I realized that something has changed deep within me. Though I cannot see any, for the change is one which is not on the exterior, nor that I know what have changed, but I am very sure that it has taken place. Something was different, and I have never seen it before.

But right now, a more important matter has arisen. Change is one, but whether am I willing to strive even further is another question. Somehow I am having this feeling that from now on I will need to press forward even further and build myself up even more to face what is waiting ahead of me.

Time is short, and I need to make good use of my time to equip myself with all I have.

I know that I am one who is full of weaknesses, and indeed I can still be as direct as I am just as in my previous posts in pinpointing them out - but I have realized that in this post, to dwell in my weaknesses should not be the main concern anymore.

Grace is indeed needed to be understood before we can come to understand how much God has loved and accepted us despite our weaknesses, but I have came to the realization of not spending too much time to dwell in them, and start pushing myself forward so that I can strive to be a better use for my Heavenly Father - so that I will be able to bring more glory to Him who is the Father whom I love.

I am one who is full of weaknesses, but I am willing to fight and press on as boldly as I can. I do not have much, but I am still willing to give - because my Father has given me so much.

I too have to admit that there are still areas within me which I still need God to continue to work on, and there are also certain areas which I still find struggling, but again, I must continue on to strive if I am to let God to use me even more.

I actually have no more time to grief or to sulk. I need to make the best of my time to build myself up for whatever He has prepared ahead of me.

I have already been pressed on by time, responsibilities and even my studies, but somehow I just have a feeling that what I am facing now is just a tip of an iceberg of what is really coming. I am aware that it is a struggle to juggle all these together with my studies, but I know that I will have to continue juggling no matter what; because it is my desire for wanting to grow more in the Lord.

And if it is indeed also His desire for me to do so, I have no fear in having faith that He will provide all the provisions and blessings which I will need to achieve this.

I still remember vividly of the moment when You first came to me with a promise saying that You have set me apart from everyone else, and saying that You have a great purpose ahead of me and that You will prepare me so for that coming purpose. I believed in that. That is why I am here, and that is why I am still willing to follow You despite all the challenges and obstacles.

And more than that, You have forgiven me of my sins, and You have given me a purpose to live - to live for You, and for what You have prepared for me in eternity.

I may not be as good as most people, but I am willing to fight on. Be it that people calls me stupid. Be it that people calls me crazy. Be it that the same group of people would choose to reject me. I do not care, for I know that the same reason which has made them rejecting me is the banner which I have found my strength and pride.

And seriously, let’s say if the world indeed calls me a lunatic just because I choose to believe this living God; then the word “lunatic” would be something great to be called by.

Maybe I am thinking this way because my worldly rationale would sometimes see my passion for God as lunacy, but let me repeat again that I will not mind being called lunatic for my faith. I would even consider of feeling proud to earn such a “title” for myself.

Really, I would see this as something that would be really cool to have. =)

I am radical, and I actually believe that to be a Christian is also to be a radical person - for to be a Christian is to go against what the world holds dear and its ways. Right from the Eight Beatitudes (Especially in The Message Version), we can already see how different God is by working totally the opposite way the world would work, and how He is not restricted nor condone to the petty ways of us mortals.

And I even have the confidence to tell here right now that even the most stubborn of atheists, would still acknowledge that what Jesus have done on the cross would be something that is radical and out of this world even though they do not believe in the truth of the Bible.

Therefore, to be Christian = to be radical. But the question is… do you have the courage and what it takes to face what lies ahead of you? Well, I have courage to say that I do; and even if I do not have what it takes, by faith I believe that God will provide me the things I would need according to His wisdom and timing.

I guess that by saying this alone has made me a lunatic, and if it is really so - I ought to be proud of it.

Surprised? I hope you are not. I do not know what is really in your mind when I talked about how radical God is, but I hope you understand that this is me I am talking about here. From the way I see things, God does not play games, and He certainly will not play around with the “beat around the bush” and “play safe” games we humans usually play. I may be a wimp, and I certainly am not gifted with the gift of martyrdom, but I am one who will try my best to go as far as I am able. I have seen how God have provided me in times of need, and I have confidence that He will continue to do so for the times to come.

I have nothing much to fear when it comes to God. He can be unpredictable at times, but I know well that He will not test me more than how much I could be tested. I trust Him as One who is with wisdom and compassion, and also One who loves me for who I am because that is who He really is.

This is what I have obtained after almost a year’s worth of Father – son relationship and spiritual walk with Him; and after knowing Him so much, after realizing so much… I truly knew that there is no one else I can go to but to Him, for I believe that He is the One true God who is both real and living, and there is no other gods but Him alone.

I am an arse. Yes, I am – stubborn, stupid, slow, rebellious… but it is because of this that I realize that I needed God, and why I have grown so much within this period of one year. But again, this is the time for me to press on.

Again and again, I may have nothing much to offer that is of use, but I will give my best. There is no turning back; I have no idea where else I could go anyway – but I am glad that I am on the path I am on now.

Persecution is inevitable, but with God, I will hold firm.

Onward!

L’Chaim.

The wind passes by~

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (12th August 2009)s

Chapter 7: The Servant of The Wind, No More

2009-08-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in my life, I personally felt that I am nothing but a servant… No more than that. Honest.

Whenever I am needed, whenever someone comes before me needing help or assistance, I will somehow be sought out (or sometimes they will just simply “bump” into me out of sheer divine direction); but during the times when I am not, I just want to be honest with you that those are the times when I wished that I can just warp myself out of the realm of human existence – because that will be when I will feel left out from everyone else.

Again, I am a reject here; or maybe this is just because I am just being myself.

I am so used at being lonesome and left out that at times I cannot tell anymore whether I am actually feeling depressed or sad because of this issue. Yes, there will be times when I hope that there will be someone out there who will be willing to spend time with me, but in most times, I personally and intentionally will keep a distance away from others as well whenever I feel that I should.

There will be moments when I would prefer to be left alone to sing all my heart out to God instead of being surrounded by my own friends. I do not know whether this is because of the disappointments which I have towards the people around me, or whether I find a better worth of my time by spending it with God, or both. Again, I cannot tell anymore. I am so used at being lonely already.

But one thing I clearly understand: I will be sought out whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I will not be even given the need to appear before anyone.

I do not have to look for my friends who are in need – I know too well already by now that whenever such events happen, they will end up coming to me instead. Even if they won’t, I have faith that God will by His own accord and wisdom… He knows best.

But whenever I am not needed, no one would even care to be bothered with me even if I come looking for them. Again, if I am indeed needed, even if people do not intend to seek me, God will bring them to me and He will make sure Himself that I get my job done without much problems or hindrances. This is the faith which I have for Him, and this is how I have chosen to live my everyday lives.

Of course, sometimes… I personally have to admit that I will still be depressed with myself even after knowing all this, as there will be times when I am trying to reach out for someone out of my own desire rather than God’s.

It is very easy for me to forget that it is more about God rather than more about me. Carelessness in pride is something which I find rather normal in my life, but I really have to change this…

I have to, because I have no other way for me to go. There is no way I can live on with my life by not loving and committing all I can to God after knowing who Jesus is and what is the truth that I really bear.

And at the same time, I am also struggling in committing everything that is in my hand to God as I tend to do things with my own strength and abilities - and it is even more frustrating to only be able to realize my mistake after I have failed in whatever I am working on.

Again, people will seek me whenever I am needed, and whenever I am not, I just need to vanish. This may sounds pathetic, but I should know better that there are so many people out there who are far more gifted and talented than me and who are more suited to solve certain situations which I am no ability to.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to accept the fact that I find myself being the outcast of certain groups and not being able to do anything or to help out in certain situations or problems. There are also certain times when I really want to socialize with certain people, but I find myself inadequate to even give them a proper impression.

But on the other hand… I too have gone through many exciting adventures which many others have never experienced and have met so many amazing people throughout my life; and thinking of all these, looks like I have realized that I too have a share of my own life’s excitement and companionships. They may be nothing much compared to most, but they are still treasured experiences. Perhaps I just need to be more content with my own gifts, talents and ultimately, the purpose which God has given me in life.

And maybe, I just feel that I should be spending more time on this issue and reflect upon it so that I can have a clearer view and direction on where God wants me to head next, instead of feeling depressed and moping about over things I can never get because I am never meant to - especially if I am to believe that God has prepared His best for me, and that all the best things I can ever achieve in life will be through Him and His promises. He is my shepherd, and I shall never be in want.

Sometimes I am just simply lonesome, and I am just simply not needed at times… But the bible says that nothing happens by chance, and God let everything happened because He has His own reasons and wisdom for letting them happen, and I want to believe in that.

There are so many things which I still find myself lacking in understanding, but I must never forget that sometimes, faith is just all I needed. Often I fall and succumb into the darkness of life’s depression, but as long as I have faith in the God whom I call my Father in Heaven, I can always be sure that I will still be able to stand up after each fall - because it has always been that way, and I have faith that it will always be.

Again, to be tough is not about not falling, but it is about being able to stand up again after each painful fall.

I will not be surprised to hear that some people will call me stupid for having faith in God, for firstly, I am indeed stupid in the first place, and secondly, because that I am stupid, and not to mention pathetic, weak, and all the negative things you can think of me, that is why I needed God in my life.

And that is also why joy is still with me even though I know that I am no more than a servant - I just need to be more content with the life I am given.

Again, I need to spend more time in reflecting on this issue with God. He knows best. I just need to listen.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han @ Seymour Nightweaver (31st July 2009)

Chapter 6: Limping... But Still Fighting!

2009-07-20T07:26:00.001-07:00

No one likes to feel defeated. The feeling sucks, but face the facts: everyone will have to face it at least once in their lives, and I am no different.

I must have set myself an impression of a sore loser by typing such a lousy introduction for this blog post, but what the heck; do not expect me to be a super - spiritual human just for the simple reason that I am a Christian.

That is the biggest rubbish I think that have ever circulated in the skulls of us naïve and shallow-minded people of this entire planet.

I admit, that to fall back to my old addiction again (even if it is just for a single night) is indeed a crushing defeat for my side. Guilt was panging within me, and I have never felt any worse than what I have felt exactly a week ago.

It was a very hard fall; and even though I have got over it, the scars of my defeat remained for days. I felt so ashamed to seek Him - a feeling which I have almost forgotten after my three weeks’ time in Camp Cameron, and to fall again after thinking that I have gotten over my past for good; has dragged me further into the quicksand.

The experience of temporary spiritual paralysis was really depressing. Of course, I tried to rise up and move on… But I fall again to temptation on the next night.

I fell into a temporary spiritual darkness just half a day after I thought I have recovered and moved on.

For those who have never thought this is how tight my flesh was once bound to my past bondages, I hope this sharing of my experience here has given you all a rough illustration on how corrupted my flesh is. Temptation hounds me every time I began losing focus of God; usually before I am even given the chance to realize my own carelessness…

I hope you all will not be surprised if I tell you now that I have fallen three times into the same temptation within the span of less than a week. Since I have already told you that I have fallen twice, to tell that I have fallen for the third time will not make much of a difference anyway.

Again, feel free to think that I am a very pathetic person - because I really am.

Sometimes, I cannot really help but to think and doubt God whether He will be able to save me from my past shame and bondage, and of Him making me into a whole new creation. I know that they are true, but as what a human being will learn in his or her life, it is really clear that to know and to believe are totally two different stories. It is very depressing to learn this, but it is a reality that our race has been made with imperfection and limitations within our genes.

Even if we know that it is true, everything will still be useless if we still fail to believe and grasp in the truth. Again, I cannot help it, for I am a human, and as long as I am confined within my limitations, I will always continue to doubt even if what that is given to me is the plain truth - whether I have done it consciously or subconsciously is again, a totally different story.

But despite how shameful I am before the one and true God who is holy and perfect whom I still sin against even when I know that He is real and living, and that He knows perfectly of my sins and wrongdoings even if I would try my whole life to hide it away… One thing which I have realized from my relationship with my Heavenly Father is that no matter how bad our relationship have become, I will still have to move on and seek Him no matter what.

I may be limping, I may be experiencing a catastrophic spiritual eclipse for committing such a terrible sin, but I will still have to turn to Him no matter how pathetic I may have felt towards myself for being such a failure. He is the reason why I lived, no matter how many times I have chosen to stray away from Him, and without Him I would have lost the reason for me to live in this wretched world. I know that very well.

Without God, my life would be hopeless, and without the blood of Jesus, I would have been left aimless as I slowly drift towards my own damnation.

True, I admit that I may not find the prophecies of the coming days especially in the book of Revelations fancy, nor I have shown much interested to be concerned of what really lies in the future for me yet, but I still value the relationship I have with my dearest Heavenly Father in the present, and I really want to last for the days to come, or I might as well choose to cease to exist.

I know how God would hate it if I choose to kill myself - I wouldn’t, for His sake, but it is clear that my life will be as good as dead if I choose to disown Him for again, that kind of life will be meaningless for me.

I have grown so much in Him to know very well that God have seen my present state, with my scars and my limping and all. I am very well aware that He knew that I have lost the wrestle, and that I have been hiding from Him because of my shame. Yet, He has never left me despite how pathetic and useless I am - not even a moment.

And He still never fails to restore me again when I finally gathered the courage to seek Him back even after bringing Him so much disgrace.

I do not know how will He judge me later on when we meet before His throne, but I know well that I am better off in that condition than to be at anywhere else. After knowing Jesus, and who He really is, His Son who has died for me and lived again… Where can I really go?

And thank Him that I could still experience His amazing grace and mercy so abundant… Again, I am nothing without Him. This is one truth that I can never deny as a human being who has tasted before His agape love, and this is also the one thing which I dare to boast as a Christian: that I have a wonderful and loving Father in Heaven, who is real and living; and that there is no other God comparable to Him, if there is really any.

Indeed, I am limping and struggling in my walk with God lately, but I am still fighting, refusing to surrender… Because where else can I go if not to Him?

I do not have any other options. I knew that very well indeed.

To be, or not to be: that is the question - William Shakespeare

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (Seymour Nightweaver)

17^th July 2009

Chapter 5: To Be Dragged Along The Road - In Loneliness

2009-07-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

The new semester’s about to begin… But strangely I am feeling dry and lethargic deep within. The depressing feeling is back, and I really have to do something to keep myself up so that I will not fall or slip again just like in the past…

I know what’s wrong with me, God, but somehow I am always stuck with the feeling that I actually know nothing of the problems which I am facing right now -and now seems to be the perfect time for me to admit that I am actually a very disobedient and rebellious person before you, Father.

Again, I am pathetic.

But to be honest, I am really feeling like I am being dragged on the road which I am on right now. Everything seemed so fast, and often I found myself not being able to cope with everything around me. The burdens I carry on my back is already exhausting me enough - but I have to admit that I myself is also actually not free of blame as I myself have failed to make good use of my own resting period… I should have known too well by now of all the distractions which I am surrounded with, but why did I still allowed myself to be ensnared again?

I am really too tired of my daily life already. Camp Cameron has almost made me forget how sickening I once felt of my daily routine and it further sickens me to realize that this is what I am confined with. I am always feeling constricted in every way, whether it is financially, socially or even spiritually in my everyday life. Life is simply too demanding with all the required classes, assignments and tasks - and no one cares a damn on whatever problems you may have in our life. Again, everyone just expects for results and nothing else. Life as a reject alone is already too depressing for me at times. I have done enough grieving over my current lonesome state, and these are the times when I feel constricted and being pulled along the road that I really have to tell you, God, that I am really sick of my life right now.

Seriously, I have never thought that I have done anything right ever since I returned to campus. I am always carrying unbearable burdens which I am forced to drag around and everyone is always adding more and more luggage with each new day. Everything’s in a mess right now, and I’m also feeling financially tight at the moment considering that I have just spent Rm100 ringgit within two days… Life is really constricting me. I just do not know what to do…

And as usual, everyone else has better friends to hang out with as usual - and I’m feeling left out again. I know that there is no one to blame or to be angry with, but I am even more upset knowing this, because I know that I am not supposed to feel so when I actually wanted to because again, I clearly know that there is no one at fault. My emotions are suppressed by my own rationale, and I find this really suffocating.

I am back, with only God as my listening ears… Who saw everything that happened, who is the only one there for me in an hour like this. When everyone turned away from me, only you remained. He knows better that I have always longed for human companions but I will always end up with Him almost every time.

I know well that to have God would be far much better than anybody else, but again, to have this desire is to indicate that I am still human. Often, I would just shake off the feeling of loneliness and turn my attention to God, but sometimes, I just could not bear it anymore.

I am sure that God knows me well enough to say that I am one of those sons of His who is feeble and weak, and always beaten down in life. As much as I try to recover and find ways to cheer myself up, there will always be a point where I will hit my limit, when I cannot keep up with the pace any longer. I cannot choose to ignore that dark swirling void in me like it has never existed.

But because of this, I have the reason to turn to Him in times like this - and He has always been the one who pulled me through of all my mess.

I do not know why, I am really feeling sapped at this moment. Looks like I better stop for now. Rest and a short reflection seemed to be the best option for me for now.

*****

I have rested, and I am back again on this pleasant morning. I am much refreshed physically, but the strain on my spiritual side is still present, and my head is all jumbled up.

What am I actually missing? What have I left out to be in such a state of unrest mind?

My focus is all over, and my thinking seemed to be scattered and disillusioned. I am losing the purpose of my living, and the purpose why am I here right now in campus - perhaps that is what the problem is.

Looks like I have slipped from my original path already. I have taken a detour by mistake, and no wonder I am taking the toll for the extra distance.

Again, this is a blog written by a normal Christian with normal everyday problems. My Lord certainly have redeemed me, I have been set free from all my bondages and I truly believe that eternal life awaits me; but flesh-wise, I am the same as anyone else.

I have been made perfect before God, but my flesh still remained with its original limitations. The flesh and the spirit is always in a conflict and truly I find it a dilemma for me as I struggle to obey my spirit rather than my own flesh. There will be times when I disobey and rebel, for I am no different than anyone else in flesh. It is the relationship I have with dearest God that makes me different, as well as the response I try to give in respond to His agape love.

To be a Christian does not make us “super” humans with superpowers, though it may allow God to work His awesome powers through us for us and the people around us. Christians are still normal people with their own problems and struggles, but the only thing that make the difference is that at the end of the day, they always have a God they can turn to - and living God who they can always seek and come as who they really are, and who will always accept them out of His awesome Grace; a God who is also their friend and Father.

To be a Christian is to accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings, to admit that you are never perfect, and that you are not able to save yourself from the sins that you have committed.

Often I found myself lost in the strong currents of my life, and certainly this is not the first time I am feeling so suffocating in the journey of my life (and this will certainly never be the last) - but I will always turn to Him at the end of the day, and when I do and when I am done, my seeking will always end with songs of praise. Even when I do not get any answers from my seeking, I will still sing in joy anyway - because I know that whether He answers or not, He is God, and He is living and of course, He hears everything. I have felt His presence many times over to be convinced of this, and though I may not be able to hear God’s voice as audible as the prophets, to be able to feel His presence in my life alone and to know that I am on the right path which He has given me are usually sufficient enough to keep me going.

Again, Christianity is never a religion, but it is a relationship.

I do not know whether you all have understood what I have posted here… I do not care either, since this is between me and God, and also because I have found what I wanted - to be reminded of what God means to me, and to recommit myself to Him after being left astray for so long in the coming days. Guess He really wakes me up two hours earlier then usual for good reasons. It is time for me to seek His presence.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim. =)

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (SEYMOUR NIGHTWEAVER)

6^th July 2009

Chapter 4: Of Love and Hate - The Origin and Aftermath

2009-06-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Before we start, I just want to be clear of something with you: Because I am pathetic, my romantic side is not much different either.

And another: My first relationship is not even worthy to be called romantic. It is really that pathetic. I really do not want to recall on or to elaborate in it any further. It is that pathetic.

But God still wants me to redeem that broken relationship. He has clearly told me so no matter how much I have chose to deny it and shove it under that old rag of mine, but it does not really matter anymore how much I would be feeling afraid or scarred each time this topic is brought before me - for I have finally did have the courage to mend it. The procedure was not as proper as I expected, but I can see that it is the best I am able to do.

And also, I really would like to thank the FES staffs and everyone else who have made Camp Cameron 2009 a success for the things I have learnt and issues in my life that I am made to face, because this is one of the issues which God has brought before me again during the camp. I may have struggled hard with Him regarding to this issue, but by grace He has helped me and gave me the opportunity to do so.

Still, I am aware that this will not change the fact that my first (and last so far) relationship is pathetic, and it is not even worthy to be even called romantic. I have now begun to realize that because I am pathetically raised up, I have become a pathetic person, and every aspect of my life will have the presence of one or more pathetic elements. Again, my relationships with others are what I see as the most problematic issue here… and if I am already unable or find myself struggling to cope even with a single and simple friend, just imagine how pathetic my romantic relationship will be. Again, my first one is not even worthy to be called romantic. I just find it too pathetic to classify it as that.

I really thank God for what dignity I am left with, because I am really pathetic as a human being. I would have been nothing without Him, and I doubt that I would have survived this long in this cruel world without His purpose, hope and love either.

Another thing about myself: I am a coward when it comes to making decisions or important life issues. The fear of the unknown alone would have made me indecisive and sometimes, blank. I rather act stupid and shove everything under the old rug or run away and passing the mess to another people than handling my problems myself. And for a coward like me, it is obvious that I would find Death’s offer for a quick solution for all the mess I have done in my life rather attractive - and I dare to predict that I might have taken that dumb offer somewhere during this period of my life if I have yet to know the God whom I know today.

I do not blame myself for how I am brought up and how I am deprived of the things I needed in establishing good human relations with the people around me.

I know it is not my fault. But do you know what is so sad and depressing about this fact? It is because of the dirty work of these stupid important and significant people in my life that has ruined me, but I am the one who has to bear the consequences of the damages I have done because of my ruined self. They told me to be someone and when I became otherwise, they would do everything else but to realize their own faults and admit that they have placed their own stupid self - ego over me. I do not care whether you are my father, my aunt, my friend, influential politicians, world leaders, religious leaders or anybody else who is bigger than me in life; I do not care - because I know that even your authority can never deny the fact that it is your fault that I am screwed, and I have every reason to hate you for all the things you forced me to bear today for what you have done for me. The power that you hold against me will never deny the truth that even though I am forced to submit to your lousy authority, you only care about yourself and but yourself. You know nothing about me, and what have become of me in your wretched hands, and I know clearly that all of you will not be bothered to care either.

The authority that you exercise on me to force me to submit to you even if it is through fear will only make me rebel and hate you more, because I do not see any other reason to submit to out apart of out of pathetic reasons such as material needs and fear. I will not love you nor will I not respect you either. Never. Do not be surprised if I do not come to your funeral, but am found celebrating over your long awaited death, even if I am to do it with but only myself.

The typical Asian tradition of respecting parents, elders and people in authority never seemed to apply to me any longer after seeing what all these people have done to me; and after that hiding behind their own authority by forcing me to deny all the damages they have done because I am still forced to submit to them even after they have abused their powers to such extent. These people are cowards and do not deserve respect as how I have viewed myself for being a coward - I do not care even if you are my father. Again, I do not care. To care is to just hate you even more.

I am aware that there are some of these people who did not do this intentionally to me. These people are easy for me to forgive. But to those pigs out there who rather become blind pigs than to admit the pigs in their own souls… If I ever ended up as a murderer today because of these pigs, it would be because I have found delight in slaughtering each and every one of these people like pigs; and when I am done with all of them, I would commit suicide in a way that I would die smiling. If God is not in my life today, this would have been what I really wanted to do with my life. I know myself, and I know and I now admit that this would be what I would want to do most if I remained as guideless and abandoned as I was in the past without the salvation of Jesus Christ.

All those are the words of my flesh. For those who have never thought that I am this wretched, this is how wretched I truly am. This is the flesh that I am forced to be made of, and it will be my flesh till the day of my death. Again, in here - all that I am to say about my life is going to be uncensored, unexplainable, but totally original, and honesty is priority even if it is brutal.

My flesh is not just evil and sinful in nature - but it is also filled with all the evil that is used towards me in the past. If not for God, it would have erupted from within me long ago, and I would have been gone for good in condemnation.

But if there is any love… Any kind of love that I still choose to show to these pigs, it will never be from me - for I did it for the sake of my God who has shown me agape love. I love because I believe in the hope God sees, and that He loves everyone regardless of what sins they have committed. Anything I have is God - sustained, and no more than that.

For those who are afraid of me or filled with judgemental thoughts against me right now; let me be clear with you that if you are so, you should have been feeling that since we first met because this is who I am right from the start - I just have not reach that level of self - realization which I have achieved in Camp Cameron regarding to myself.

The reflection before me in the mirror is still the same one; I just know it much better compared to when I looked at it in the past.

The flesh that made me in the past and today is no different. The hate, the anger and yearning for vengeance that are deeply rooted within me is the same: the only difference I have today is that I know why I have such corruptions within me.

But here is another thing which I believe, to feel and to act is two different things. I may anger, hate or be vengeful, but it is still my choice whether I wish to take action or not. I am a human with imperfections and whose flesh has been corrupted by this world’s abundant hate, so it is therefore, normal to be feeling that way at times… But I also have something else within me, which is the spirit, and also the power and freedom of choice. I cannot help but feeling hatred in times when I should be feeling so, but it is still my choice whether to follow the flesh or the spirit, and to decide whether my next action will be inclined towards hatred or love. This is the struggle Christian often face in their daily lives. I am just the same as the rest of you who believes in the Lord, as horrifying as the truth I have revealed about me to you just now.

And if this is how I see my emotions and actions towards the people I hate, this is also the way I see them towards the people I love and care for - especially in looking for intimate relationships.

Again, I am a human - and it is normal for me also to be in a state of infatuation or sometimes feeling emotionally attached to certain people around me. But at the same time, I have also realized lately that these feelings I have towards others may bring them harm instead when I recognized that my feelings and emotions may have been more amplified compared to other people - all because of the void of human relationships which I have within me.

Just as I have mentioned, I have lived my life deprived and denied of proper relationships - even within my family circle, and unbeknownst to me, I have been left to hunger for something which I have never realized that it exists. I have always been left abandoned and desolate thinking why would I find myself wanting to be involved with certain people when all they could give is broken relationships and the only thing I get out of them is being hurt and manipulated and me hurting and manipulating them in recoil. I have never really experienced a proper relationship before in my life until I received Christ into my life. That is one truth. Either people are not able to understand me fully, or people only care for but their own selfish selves.

I have been raised as a monster and I have become one; and now people are avoiding me because they realized that I am one. They made me into this, and they tried to deny me from realizing who I really am whom they have made out of their hands, but these hypocrites are also keeping themselves away from me because the truth is that I am indeed one and nothing will change that fact. Worse, they never show remorse or guilt for what they have done.

And for those who have done this to me and tell me to turn away from Christ, I will be clear that any harsh force that you would use against me regarding to this matter will turn you into an enemy - regardless of who you are. You have turned me into who I am, you placed the blame on me when I was but the victim, and you are now trying to force to deny the only hope for me to be saved and healed - because you want to me to remain as a helpless toy for you and your own pig - kind to play and victimize on! If I have no respect for God whom I love, I would have used all the four lettered F word I want right here to vent out all my anger I have harboured for 20 long years, because I hate people like you. I really do - and again; it is only for God’s sake that I have chosen and struggles to still love you, and if you want to make Him your enemy, you will have to make me one first for I refuse to submit to you any longer.

I rebel. I will not obey to your authority because to me there is no authority from you for me to obey. I will deny you the same way you denied me. That is what I will do if you push me to my limits.

I hate you bastards, and I hate the way you have made me into - because I am now a reject before everyone today because of what you have made me into. Only God accepts me and only He whom I acknowledge, so don’t you dare tell me to disown Him.

Now that you have seen how deprived I am in my relationships, what will you think of me when I have to face my need for friendships and fellowships as well as intimate romantic relationships? I never even knew how to keep these things intact since I have never been given the chance to have them in the first place! The only thing that I have in my heart about relationships when I first knew Christ is but hatred, deprivation and hunger! People only knows how to judge, condemn and reject me when I behave like an angry beast or demon, but they never bothered to listen nor to find out why because they only see things on the surface not willing to dwell into what is beneath my ugliness.

And to my friends, especially those who has been with me through both sweet and bitter times… I hope that you all can see and understand how much you all meant to me and how precious each and every of you are even just for listening to my wails and screams of pain; and I hope that all of you can see for the very first time, who is really the friend whom you all have extended your hands, attention, and love to, and how much I truly needed and appreciate these things from all of you.

I am a monster; but to those who are now my closest brothers and sisters… I want you to know how much your presence in my life is appreciated, though I have nothing valuable in my hands to repay you. I only can give you as much as I can, whether it is a simple prayer (I have to admit that I still could not find the discipline to really intercede regularly, consistently or for long hours), or a letter or poem of encouragement, or anything that I am able to make or give. Usually those are the best I could give, knowing that you all have better people to help you out or to provide you support you needed, and they are the ones who have better things for you. I may not be your best helper or closest person, but I still want to tell you that I still care, and you all can always call me when you need me. I am a reject who admits is drenched in hatred but still sees hope in love, all because I know that people like you all exists. I am the wind that blows in the night. This is who I am~

But for now, I will pray that all that I have placed into mending my relationship with my ex - girlfriend will work, and that all the wounds that we have inflicted upon each other would heal and recover. It is nothing much, but at least a brand new chance is the only thing I can give - but it is a chance that will come with a promise and new beginnings. Even if I do not trust her, I still trust God.

As for me friends, remember: I love you, both as a friend and brother. For those who never thought that your presence ever means this much to me, may this truth become an encouragement to you. Again, call me whenever you needed me.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

Wilson Khor Woo Han (21^st June 2009)

Chapter 3: Me and Everybody Else (Part 2)

2009-06-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

This is the continuation from the previous chapter.

I have almost forgotten in my depression of how sleep can make miracles out of me especially during times like this. Not only I felt much fresher, but I am also finding myself being able to focus much better.

And obviously, I am feeling less and less depressed with every moment because again, I only told you half the story last night. If I am not recovering, all that I have learnt since I met Christ would have been for naught.

But from the situation which I am in now as I am trying to type out this chapter, this is bad - because I cannot write on my depression if the feeling is no longer there; or does God wants me to write this when my mind is much clearer as it is now? God works in so many ways that are still a mystery before us.

Still, rest assured. Even when I was typing out the first part of the story, God has already begun His healing on me. It is me who did not mention it - because that was just one half of the story, and this is the other and the final part. I left the gloomy ones in the previous chapter, and I will now reveal to you the light behind this darkness that is surrounding my current condition.

Remember how much I have repeated on how pathetic I am? Again, I hope you are reminded that I am not beating myself; but I am just reinforcing the truth, that in flesh and without God, I am pathetic. To admit this is to accept the need I have for God in my life. To acknowledge my own brokenness is the first step to learn how to be humble and daring to present myself as I really am. As mentioned in my title, I am presenting my life uncensored here.

I am pathetic. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found my strength.

I cannot do anything good. That is why I needed God. Through Him I can be fruitful.

I am a reject. That is why I needed God. Through Him I found love and acceptance.

I am who I am, and I accepted it. That is why I needed God. Through Him I believe that I will find myself provided.

For those who still have not noticed this - this is the Wilson you know, down to the deepest core.

This is one of the most important things which I have learnt from Camp Cameron, and this will be how I choose to live my life from now on.

I do not believe in withholding things especially my feeling towards the people whom I feel close with. When I care, I care. When I grieve, I grieve. And when I anger, I anger. I go full throttle. Things may go awry at times especially when my emotions have gone unstable, but if given proper empathy and trust, I know I will be able to deliver my message across - because I know of a handful of people out there who are willing to listen and be emphatic to me, and most of the time these people will always get what I am trying to convey to them. And these people, they have become my closest and most trusted brothers and sisters - people whom I can always lean on in times of need and helplessness.

Also, these people are also the ones whom I find not as withholding compared to the others. Maybe it is because they are trusting in nature, but even on my side, I am only take what that is offered to me. I am not one who makes demands, and I never feel that I ever have the position to do so. Even if I dare to ask and make demands, who could fulfil them? I know myself that I lack the ability to earn them from people, and whatever I tried, it just won’t work. I am not the type who mingles with everyone the way everyone does it. My jokes are cold and occasionally sarcastic. I am not good with current trends and issues, but am inclined with deep, boring and complicated philosophical stuff which people will not talk about in daily practical lives. I am poor in paying attention for what others are trying to tell me through their body languages and most of the time, people just find me a very lousy socialiser trying to fit in.

Besides, if I would really make demands for the things I needed in my relationships, I would have been left but with myself by now. Again, I am a reject.

People only know how to tell me to try to get over things without even caring to find out what is going on beneath the surface. Correction, because I should not be just talking about the people - but the world as a whole. In a realm where all everybody cares is the results and not how things are done, my background and past is meaningless. No one is bothered to show empathy. I know I am sounding like a loser right now, because I admit that I am one. That is why I am one of you today, my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am nothing without God, and I am not ashamed to admit this. In fact, right now I am proud that I am but good - for - nothing; for this is how I learn to appreciate God in life. Anything that is good out of me, I give praise to God - for I clearly know that all that is good comes from Him, and that my flesh only brings imperfection and lack. But yet, despite the fact that I am nothing but a pathetic and a good - for - nothing loser, I still have the confidence and boldness to do things especially those which I know He has inspired me to do so, because I know that with God, I am unstoppable, an unquenchable fire that will never stop burning until all that is to be burned are nothing but ashes. I know to what extent I can do things with His anointing, and I definitely know what He can do to certain people when God called me to reach out for them. He is awesome, and He is beyond comparison. This is the God I, you, and everyone know.

Again, He may be one who will never stop and will never compromise until we do things the way He wants us to do it, but He is tender, and He is so loving that we will certainly find comfort in His presence. Of course I will be spiritually depressed and weary at times - this is normal, especially to me. But it is not natural for me to linger around in such a state more than a day or two. God heals, and God reconstructs.

And if I who am nothing good at all can accomplish what I have accomplished today with God, so can you.

I do not know what all of you will have in mind for me by the point you reads this, but I do not care - simply because all this is the truth, and if this is what you would feel or think towards me after knowing all this, then it is something which I find inevitable because I believe that all that is true will stand true no matter how much I would want to deny it.

This is me, and I am definitely made me for a reason. I really believe that. That is why I am still breathing, and that is why I am still a friend to each and every one of you. I may not be anything good, but I believe that I am here for many reasons, and the reasons are good - because all this comes from God whom I love. And to know that God can and will work through me to accomplish what He wants me to do despite my lacks and inadequacies, I am always eager to adventure with God towards what lies ahead of my journey - despite the fact that the world can be very depressing at times. He is a miracle worker, and I am truly privileged to be able to let His miracles work through me though small these miracles may seem.

In the previous part you have seen me reopening back my old and hideous wounds… and right here I want you to show you that I reopened them not because I want to beat myself up in showing how pitiful I am nor to ask for any form of sympathy, but it is because I know that it is only by reopening my wounds and admit my own hurts that God will be able to heal what that is injured beneath my temporary self - wrapped bandages.

If you have previously judged me for letting myself fall in such depression, here is the time for me to clarify my own actions, and also for you to reconsider whether you are correct in your previous judgements; because again, I never felt that I was wrong to express my feelings and emotions freely even if it is depression, for I know I should be doing so. God wants it that way so that I can be open for mending and healing. I believe that God can do real work in me because He is now working with the real me. Yes - the real deal. No jokes.

I am not going to be bound by man’s self image that keeps telling me to look good, for this kind of good looks are nothing but cover makeup and puny lies. Self - image does not bring any healing; it only covers the surface so that others cannot see our hidden and shameful scars. I will choose to be me, to portray myself as who I really am. Uncensored and unexplainable, but totally original.

See me as shit if this is how anyone chooses to see me, but I will still boast because God has seen something valuable in me whom he or she has called shit. That is all that matters to me. It is only between me and God, and all the shit that others have flung in their stupid attempt to hit my face is definitely out of the topic.

Besides, even if it is really shit that is tossed towards my face, I just need to wipe it away and clean myself. No idiots are going to stop me anymore in my affairs with God Almighty. Even if all the bread has been fed to the children, I as the dog will still get to eat the crumbs that fall from my master’s table.

I am fragile, but I am also tough in my very own ways. As I have mentioned before, toughness if not measures by how good are you in avoiding from getting hurt, but it is about how good are you in recovering from every hurt that you have gone through.

And from the way I see things now… The more fragile I realize I am, the tougher I have become - all because I have come as who I really am.

From here onwards is something which I have typed out for a specific someone whom I know. If this message if for you, you will find that out yourself when you read this:

I know that you have told me before that you hoped to see me to write beautifully and gracefully especially in my poems, and I am here to tell you (just in case if I have not made it clear to you, and also as a reminder if I already had) that I will make sure with my own left hand that you will see that your hopes will be fulfilled.

I admit that there are some of my works what are purely poignant and fuelled by darkness and hatred, but most are written out of my self - consciousness as a person who sees and admits my own lacks and shortcomings. I let my emotions flow freely and unrestricted, because I want to be that way - free to feel, free to give, and free to receive; even in my walk with God.

Darkness is around me, because I am honest enough to admit that I am living in a world of darkness, and that every corner of my flesh is also filled with it. But you will have my word that I will always try my best to give away both beauty and radiant light to both myself and the people who needs it no matter how fallen this world can ever be, because God is with me, and He will ever be - like the wind that blows all around.

I will never let you down. I promise you; not because that you are anyone significant, nor because that you are a friend, but it is simply because you have hopes for me, and that you have made an effort to give me a reason to hang on unto those hopes of yours. I hope that I am very clear with this. I am being cautious here.

Again, you have my thanks, and I will remember to harvest my gratitude and make it into bottles of sweet, fragrant wine - just as promised. Do not forget to bring your cup when you see me again in summer - a barrel (or barrels) if you wanted to. =P

The harvest will be abundant.

[End of Personal Message]

With the end of this message, so will be for this chapter and the final part of the whole story. I hope that all of you will be clarified of all the questions you all were having in the first and gloomier part. Peace to you for the days to come. It is time for me to soar again.

Part Two: Completed. =)

The wind passes by, refreshed and renewed~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19^th June 2009)

Chapter 2: Me and Everybody Else (Part 1)

2009-06-19T02:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I last experienced a spiritual strain as bad as this.

I have almost forgotten how hard it is to live my life for the people around me when I am constantly battered and hurt by them.

And to be surrounded by unbelievers again just made life tougher as I yearn more and more with each passing day for fellowship and spiritual encouragement. This is straining me to my breaking point. I really cannot survive without keeping in touch with my brothers and sisters, and the blackout which happened near my residence today made everything worse - because all the cyber cafes are down so I could not make any form of contact whether through Facebook, Yahoo! or MSN.

It is not just boring, but it is also dry - both physically and spiritually. Just imagine me spending the past 9 hours playing computer games. I know that games are not good for me either, but I am just simply too discouraged to do anything else.

All in one simple word: Sigh.

At least I have managed to pick myself up enough to pour out what I have been feeling since two nights ago here despite that it is already one in the morning. I hope this will not strain me physically later as I am planning to accompany someone to town in the afternoon perhaps.

I know that this is what you are thinking: At one point I was so fired up for God and at another, I looked so glum and dispirited. As far as I am concerned, you are looking at a real person here and not one whom you made with your perfect - like ideology of what a decent Christian should be.

Face the facts. We are all living in a fallen world. Life is tough, especially if you have chosen to live a Christian life. The question now is just whether you are willing to accept the truth that there will be times when you will fall; and whether you dare to stand up again after you do, knowing that you will fall again some other day. Again, being tough is not about keeping yourself from getting hurt, but it is about persevering and enduring through all the hurt you have gone through.

I am aware that this sounds depressing, and by now I would not be surprised to find some of you rebuking me deep inside your hearts - but again, I am just being honest here. This might be hard to swallow for some, but face the facts.

Again, God sees this world as filled with evil and wickedness for very strong and obvious reasons, and if you can truly see the reasons why it is so, you too will be as depressed as me.

I am not talking about what I think God has seen the sins us humans have done in the 21^st Century. There’s no need for that. If you have not noticed this verse, flip to Genesis 6:5, and be surprised.

The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. - Genesis 6:5

No kidding. The verse is not even talking about us. It is only touching at the wickedness our ancestors have once done long in the past. If God could be so grieved that He has made man on the earth, and He wished to wipe man out from this earth because man has caused Him great pain at that time… Just imagine what would He feel and do when He look at what we are doing today. We would have been toast - worse than that most probably.

I hope this has opened your eyes to the fact that I really have the reason to feel depressed right now - especially if you also agree that what we are doing now are far worse than what our ancestors have done. I cannot help but to admit that I am really disappointed with human race, and that there are some wretches out there who would rather keep everything for themselves to the point that they would deny what is supposed to belong to another.

Humans are so pathetic, yet they still have the nerve and ego to look down upon people who admit their own imperfections through their awareness of how pathetic they are. Great. I have found another reason on why am I so depressed at this moment - and what a pathetic reason to be so.

But that is the truth. As I have been repeatedly mentioned here… I am pathetic. As a human flesh, I really do not have any capacity to make any difference in this world. I do not have the power. I do not have the money. I do not have any charisma either. I do not have anything which I can use against the rest of the community who makes the whole world. Flesh wise, I am trapped in the world currents, and I have no choice but to be drifted away to where the rest of the world wants me to go - even if it would mean my own demise. Isn’t this pathetic, as what even the dictionary has defined?

Again, I am not beating myself. I am just merely telling the truth.

And guess what? I am not just depressed, but I am also upset and angry over everything that is revolving around my life.

I do not even feel the need to tell you the reason. Just look around you and you will know it yourself! Life sucks, and worse, if I am to really exercise the purpose and reason for why am I here on earth, I am very certain that I would have to be one of those people who have to clean up the mess which the rest of us humans have done out of our own self - imposed for - display - only intelligence (or in other words, stupidity which we failed to admit even to ourselves). To make things worse, those idiots who have dumped all these crap into our hands will not even be thankful to us. They rather label us as being stupid because we are willing to do their dirty work when all others would not. Hey, don’t you know that it is actually because of you idiots that the world is falling apart today~! You blind??

But what pains me the most is that I have not yet begun looking things in my own personal level of importance; I am just seeing things in general.

I am a very complicated person, and you know better that a complicated person is really hard to please because his needs will also be complicated in certain.

Firstly, I love being around people. I really do, but social wise; I am nothing but a reject. Secondly, I always want people to understand especially when I began to do things differently, but even if I explain, none will understand, because they won’t listen. Thirdly, I am not as capable as everybody else at times, but people expect me to fulfill their own expectations without even stopping to consider my feelings.

I know not all of you are like this, and I hope that I do not sound like I am blaming you all for what I am going through now; for I know I cannot start blaming and hating anyone regarding to this matter. But the point is: it hurts, and I really do not want to bottle up the pain anymore.

For those whom I have warned that deep inside, I am a very emotionally fragile person, I would like to remind you again that I am really that kind of person. As much as I do not want to affect others just because I can really turn ugly at times, people will still try to exact pressure and pain on me every single day and time. I am a person who relies a lot on my emotions, and I know that none of you will like it if you realized that my emotions have been distorted or knocked unstable by someone or something. No one likes me when I am in this condition, and during these periods when I would need my friends the most to be with me and to help me recover from my breakdowns, most of them would be found conveniently avoiding me instead. That sadly, is another truth - and it is really a depressing one for me.

As much as people always try to force me to knock this out of my mind, I would still hold firm to the fact that life sucks - because that is the truth, at least for my life.

And really to be against what most people would have been thinking of me and my actions, I never really demanded anything from anyone in any relationship. I never did. I know what I wanted; I know what my needs are as a person on one end of the relationship… But I believe that I have never really asked the other person to provide what I needed, and I only took what is graciously offered to me - mainly because I know that my demands will never be met; either because he or she could not afford to give, or because he or she have other people and better people whom he or she find more deserving or needy of. I have tried asking, but I would just end up with nothing and I would even risk spoiling the current relationship I have with the other person. 100% probability. There is no need for me to even calculate. I cannot ask for anyone to fulfill my needs, nor can I expect anyone to be able to guess that I have such a need either. Again, I am a born reject, and I am forced to admit this whether I like it or not.

It is really tough to accept the fact that I am really this fragile, and to know that the people around me will always break and scratch me because they do not realize my fragile state, pains me even more. But at the same time, I know I cannot live without these people, so I cannot have them leave or abandon me either because I am this fragile. I would have been totally smashed into smithereens if this really happens to me.

To gain a friend is to embrace the possibility that they would hurt me over and over again for the days to come, but the pain of losing a friend is a torment far worse.

As a person who has been brought up deprived of real relationships, attention and self - value, I really cannot blame them for my depression. I hunger, yet I cannot expect them to fill me, and I cannot have them leave me either. I really do not want to open up anymore stories of my past right here. What I am typing down now is painful enough for me for now.

I am really tired and sleepy right now, but I know well that I cannot stop here yet. Now is not the time, though it is already 3.20 in the morning. I am really sapped of strength, but at the same time, I am restless. I must go on. I cannot afford to stop. At least not now…

But for most of you, I hope you have learned something about me here which you have not known before. And by this point if there is anyone of you who are feeling guilty because of anything which you have done to me in the past, just swallow it down and forget it. I am not a debt collector, and I definitely did not write all this just to shoot you all down. Again, I never expected you to do anything after reading this, and I only want to pour everything out. I am also obviously not trying to manipulate anyone here so please do not feel threatened or scared, or angry or anything relevant. I have received before such a feedback from someone, and I really do not like to receive another feedback such like that again - mainly because that it was not my intention to do so, and also because that the feedback has also reminded me of something from my past which I have been trying to forget. I JUST WANT TO POUR OUT~! NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES! Am I clear here???

Boy, am I tired right now… Frustration and further depression is another matter. Looks like I better rest, despite the fact that I really do not like to leave my writing hanging like this… But again, this is just half the story. You still do not know what is actually going on beneath the surface.

To be continued…

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (19^th June 2009)

Chapter 1: Reshaping Life (A Writer's Version)

2009-06-19T02:08:00.000-07:00

From the way I see things, my life and my dreams coexist and entangle with each other. Life is to be maximized by putting our dreams into life motion.

As the useless dreams and illusions are shattered and smashed, I will live out what that is left of those that has value - so that my life will have value.

This is how it will be from now on, for this is the life this wind will embark from today onwards.

Seriously, if I really have the time to daydream useless things, I might as well spend the time instead on making dreams which has value into reality. Living out my dreams is definitely different and far much better than to live in my dreams. And besides, life is also much more fun this way.

A writer like me is not going to be discouraged because he is scrutinized by people who underestimate what impact writing can do to the world, nor he is going to stop writing just because people does not appreciate his work of expression. I am aware that most of the things which I write are rather introspective which concerns mostly on my self, but again, the power of choice is in my hands. If this is what I have chosen to write, this is what that shall be written. I have my reasons for doing things, and I have my reason whether to share them or not with you. This is how I will do things from now onwards, for this is the way I should be doing things right from the start.

My dream may be small compared to what most of you may be dreaming for in your lives, but I believe that my dreams are what I ought to be dreaming for, and I trust God to provide me everything else. I dream my dream knowing and trusting the gifts God has given me, and I am sure that this is what He wants me to do with it. Some people are entrusted with big jobs, while some people are given small works and errands. I am the one who I believe has been given the task to write. Yes, to write - and God has made me in a way that I will certainly find joy in the works He has given me.

I have seen with my own eyes how other people’s writings have made an impact on me, and I believe that I too will impact others through my own writing as well. Those who do not appreciate the art of writing, so be it. I do not care. But to those who do, and to those who have the ability to manipulate such art, pay attention to what I will write.

What is written on a piece of paper may seem to remain on paper, but a writer knows well that words can be contagious to the heart and soul.

I may not have money, I may not have power, and definitely I do no have these to shake the world with my own hands as certain people has done recently in history, but if I am given a chance to dream big… I will dream that one day, I will shake the world with my left hand alone, and I will boast that I could do it using neither money nor the power of this world. If I am to gain them later on in life, it will be through the gifts and talents which God has first given me. I may be nobody before the eyes of the world, but as long as I am underestimated, I have the upper hand. I just need to polish up to really make a difference.

I may not be one of those writers who are vanguards in the battlefield. I may not have the writing charisma nor the inspiration, but I believe that my writing is still of some use, and as little as my talents can me, it is not ought to be wasted. I might become one of those who lead and make the first impact someday - God willing; but for now, I just want to believe that whatever little I can contribute to God and His Kingdom, I will contribute because everything counts. Big or small is just a whole different matter.

And when I say big or small contributions, I am not just talking about writing. Whether it is your tithes and offerings, your servings in your church or Christian fellowship, or anything else which you have given to God in helping to build up His Kingdom down to a small glass of cold water, it counts. No one is to comment or judge another based on what he or she has chose to contribute to the Kingdom but God Himself. Give what God wants you to give, do not care a damn about anything else because this is just between you and God - all other meddlers keep away! Personally, I really find it very sickening to see people compare things - especially on things which we are not supposed and do not have the relevance or the right to do so. I hate how the world has corrupted people to turn to its corrupted ways. I hate to see this happening around me.

It is really not us to determine whether someone has not given enough or given what God has told him or her to give. Let God be the judge! It is really not us to force people to give all they have as offerings, and it is not for us to criticize either when we see people not putting anything in the offering bag. I am really angry seeing how much of these negative influences has been circulating around as I watch people either boasting in pride for how much they could contribute, or feeling degraded and incompetent because they could not contribute as much as everyone else have expected him to do so.

This is totally rubbish!

I always believe that the bricks that are used to build God’s Kingdom are not just made of money alone. I never believe that it is such a way, as much as men see it as so thanks to their materialistic senses. I am aware that I have nothing good in me, but God recognized me as the same as everyone else and He accepts everything I gave on behalf of His Kingdom, knowing that this is what He wants me to do with the things He entrusted me with. Isn’t that alone is enough? It is the same for everyone. Don’t you dare give me any more excuses so that you could continue to judge others on their personal affairs with God. Again, meddlers are supposed to be off limits but there are just so many nosy people out there who do not understand human language. Idiots.

Again, what I have may be nothing much, but the question is not about how much I am willing to give, but it is whether I am giving what I am ought to give before God and not men. I may just be a writer, and I know I could not contribute as much as others can contribute, but God accepts my work just the same as everyone else - because I know that even though my load may be lighter and different compared to others, my load that is given to me is still my load, and that I have delivered it all the way to my master just the same way everyone does it. That is the only things I need to care about, and leave the rest to God whom I trust.

Just as a hammer does its work by hitting down the nails, so will a screwdriver does its work by driving down the screws. Different work, but work is still work.

Both are just the same, and God knows that even better.

And if my work is to write for God, it is the same for a multi - millionaire who is given the work to donate his wealth for God. Big or small does not really matter. What matters, is that we do the work we are given and we complete it.

…Looks like my work is almost done. My dream to inspire and make an impact through my writing is set. My promise that I will write and be remembered for beautiful and graceful poetry will always be remembered. Now, I would like to bring up another question. How about you? Are you going to live up your dreams; or do you even have one?

I believe that my dream and the task which God has given me is the same, though I am aware that it may be a whole different case for you; but still, it is always good for our lives to be driven by something and to be given a purpose. Think and reflect about this before the new semester begins. Best, ask God for the answers you seek. He is the One who first assigned us to live on this planet and to be given reason to live anyway. Ask Him! What God and His wisdom are for if you do not seek from Him?

But as for me, my work has begun. Time to break down the disillusionment and start working live in reality. God’s work will never end until He says so.

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (17^th June 2009)

Introduction: Dreams to Shatter

2009-06-19T02:01:00.000-07:00

From my eyes, a part of my own life is but a dream.

I lived a portion of my life each day like the way I lived in my dreams, so every morning when I woke up from my slumber… I lost a portion of yesterday - as I wake up from one dream into another.

Such is the life of one who is stuck in the middle of the current, but too reluctant to get out of the dilemma. What patheticism. This word may not be found in the dictionary, but this the word I will use. Let me be clear with you that if you are going to read anything here… you will be reading what I want you to read at my own terms, not yours.

Welcome to my world, a world which I myself sometimes do not understand - maybe because I keep losing a portion of my understanding of it every time I wake up from my slumber. Again, a part of my life is a dream, and I will lose it every time I wake up the day after.

This is very weird, even to me, but this is what I am experiencing each passing day. Often I wondered… do other people experience what I have been going through in my life? If they do not, then why am I the only one who is going through this? But I do know one truth:

I rather dwell in my dreams and imaginations that rather to live out my life in this world.

Am I being too artistic here? I do not think so. I still feel that I still have a sense for practicality, and thinking back, I began to agree with myself that it is actually my practical attitude which has lead me to this state of life.

What other form of escapism from this world would be better than this? I do not need drugs, I do not need computer games, nor do I have any need to waste money to get anything to crave on - though I still sometimes find it convenient for others to “make” the dreams for us before I dwell into it, though I myself too must realize that what others made for us might not be the way we want it to be.

Imaginations as everyone know, is free, and best of all… it is ours to create, ours to have, and ours to keep and dwell in. That is what that makes our own imaginations contagious to respective selves, and when it is contagious, it is addictive.

Dreams and imaginations is said to be the ignition towards creation in reality. Human inventions are always originated first as a dream or an imagination within the mental realm of their inventors. But when I look around at the world today, I have began to see that as the world are getting more and more corrupted each passing day, our dreams and imaginations are also getting distorted because the world itself has subconsciously shaped our way of thinking - and the way and purpose of why we dream and imagine things. And from that, comes the escapism syndrome which I now realize I am suffering from now.

Most of you by now should have realized that to live such a life is really pathetic, but guess what? I am pathetic, and people who think that they are pathetic live pathetic lives. Everything about me is pathetic, and it has always been that way. I am a reject today because this is how I am raised to be: either I am rejected without being given even a single consideration, or people just could not figure out how to accept me. I know that most of those culprits who did this to me do not know what they are doing - and deep inside I myself know that I have already long forgiven them. But for those who either did it on purpose for this purpose, those who did very terrible harm to me whether they did it deliberately or not, and those who did it only because they only care about themselves, what they feel and what they think and not a damn about me (and especially to those people who have done all these three different kinds of shit to me), give me one bloody reason why I should even be thinking of you pigs.

For those who have seen before this dark side of me, and have told me how scary I am when I am in this state of mind, let me be clear to you that I have tried and I am still trying my best to handle myself. I am still human, and I cannot help but filling myself with hatred whenever I look at myself full of scars done by inhumane humans. I am a victim of this paradoxical world, and my enemy is hypocrisy (and from the way I see it, my battle has always been a losing one).

But friends - especially my brothers and sisters, be rest assured for that is one of the many reasons why I turn to and am now saved by Christ; and that I definitely will not think of killing anyone or myself (or try to invent a mass destructive weapon to annihilate the whole world). I find these actions plain dumb, even for myself. I am not that stupid, though I realize that I myself have given you a reason to worry about me, if you are right now.

Now going back to my topic, I will not ask you to put on my shoe and try to understand me - because as I read what I myself have typed down so far, I can already tell myself that I can never expect all those who reads this will be willing understand me or what I am trying to say here. I dare to say that most of you will automatically correct, judge, and criticize me before I could even explain. Some would even accuse me right now in my face that I am just giving myself excuses to continue dreaming and to continue to live my life as pathetic as I wanted it to be. And for these people, I can only tell you this: stop reading right this instance because you are not the person I am typing this out for - for I can only say nothing apart from that until you have tasted what I have tasted, you will never want to understand what I wrote here.

But the bottom line is: For me, life in reality sucks. Seriously, I do not see anything good in my life that does not come from God. It is all from Him and apart from those, the rest are nothing but shit (What can I say? The world is a fallen world).

Yes, God is the only one I can rely on right now, and if I in any way choose to go against Him, I can frankly tell you that my life will be temporarily screwed until I totally mend the relationship - and when I say screwed, I mean my words. I do not know how I could have ended up relying on Him so much, but one thing’s for sure… I need Him, and He is the only One who is standing in between my sanity and my inner bestial instinct telling me to start roaring, grab the nearest machete I can get hold on and swing it to end another person’s life. In other words, if there is one person I can thank for keeping me sane after going through what I have gone through, He would be God (or should I say three people…?).

I am very clear with all those things that are taught to me: Love your neighbour, but again… I am human with my own imperfections. Do not expect me to simply love my enemies just like that especially after all the pain and hurt they have caused me, with some done without even a single regret by some of these rascals. Just like Jacob, I have my own struggles, and I definitely have my own things to wrestle on. Don’t you dare judge me with unrealistic expectations. I am a human, and I deserve to be looked at as a human! I am mine to decide, I am mine to lead, and I am mine to live; and if there is anything above me and is given the right to govern over my life, that would be God alone.

I have learned and realized that I am now a Christian not because that I admit that I am good or holy, but it is because of otherwise. It is because that I am pathetic, good - for - nothing… that I have now surrendered myself to Christ. I seek His mending because I dare to admit and I dare to show that I am broken and needed mending. You may not look up to me nor you will ever give me the respect I need again after reading this, but I am not ashamed of myself and of what I lacked, because this is why I am who I am today, and this is why I can experience God’s grace, love and forgiveness in my life. God is all I needed. I do not need any extra unemphatic idiots to ruin my life and my relationship with God, and obviously I do not need comments, criticisms and suggestions from these numbskulls either.

Boy, I am feeling sleepy right now. It’s already 3am in the morning, but I know I must finish this before going to bed later. I do not want to risk missing a portion of what I wanted to type down later on when I wake up. But I do not think I have anything else to type down either. In fact, I already lost the purpose of why I wanted to type this out in the first place. Typing this out will not change my life. Typing this out will not change the hearts of those who have hurt me. Typing this out will definitely not help me to do anything at all. But at least through typing this out, I get to gain an insight of how my life has been so far, and giving me a good opportunity to think about the certain things which I have overlooked in my life since the past few years when I first began “dreaming”.

Are dreams really that worth living in? Is it really worth to dream and imagine myself flying over the blue yonder, when I can try to soar in the life I am living in right now? I am the wind that blows in the night, and I am the breeze that blows during sunrise - and this is who I really want to be. Looks like I already found the answer, but obviously the answer alone would be useless if no work is involved on my part. For those who understood what I am trying to tell you, by now you would know that I will need your constant prayer to move on and to continue growing in Christ. For those who still do not understand, again - this is not for you to read. Get lost!

Dreams provide an escape from the harsh reality I am living it, but how long will I run away? Now is the time for me to determine the answer. Time is here to start working: To shatter my daydreams, and to rebuild my life as a whole… Life is never easy to live, but I believe that God has allowed me to live so far for a reason - and the reason will definitely be good. I trust Him, though it is mainly because that I have to. There is no other way.

I really cannot wait to know that the sun has risen, though I know that I would still be sleeping by the time it really does. The new day is ahead of me - a brand new exciting day…

The wind passes by~

L’Chaim.

WILSON KHOR WOO HAN (17^th June 2009)